Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

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“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

Local man swears his girlfriend is not a Bitch

Regardless of how Megan Reed may act, Ryan Barber, her boyfriend of four months, swears up and down that, “she really isn’t a bitch”.

Friends of Ryan would disagree though.

The conflict started after Ryan was set up on a date with Megan by a co-worker. Immediately the two hit it off and started seeing each other exclusively, much to the despair of everyone else in Ryans life.

We talked to Bryan Barber, Ryan’s brother, who told us just how much a bitch Megan really is, “she’s pretty much a Mega-bitch.”

Devon Montgomery, Ryan’s best friend of six years, had this to say, “You know when people talk about someone being bitchy and that they are walking around acting like their shit don’t stink? Well, and this is really creepy, her shit literally does not stink. I mean, I know it’s weird but her shit smells more like vanilla.

If that doesn’t tell you something then I don’t know what will.”

Megan could not be reached for comment.

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store.

At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the men’s fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen-year-old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra-large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come out of hiding because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the food court but ultimately stuck around due to the amazing savings taking place at the Macy’s one day sale.