satire

Commented

Posted on by Talker99

Hey! Do you like to comment?

If you’re like most people on the web today, you comment on some of the posts you come across but not all.

FACT: 90% of all blog posts are not comment worthy but people still comment(most common reason-guilt). What this does is elevate the unexciting blog into”look-at-me” status, leading them to write even more sub-par posts and a strange belief that they have fans

FACT: According to Wired Magazine, “over 62% of all blogs written today are done by drug cartels, human traffickers, party planners, black market organ harvesters and terrorists(Muslim and Canadian).” So remember, when you comment on a blog it’s a pretty good chance you’re helping make heroin.

FACT: In 1984, three blogs were convicted to life in prison for the murder of Joshua Nim. The murder, which was accurately depicted on a season three episode of Murder She Wrote, involved the blogs attacking and killing Josh after he had left some vulgar remarks following their most recent post.

It’s dangerous out there so why comment in uncharted territories when you can comment here stress free?

SOLUTION:Make Talker99 your place for any comment needs.

We know how hard it is to give your true opinion and sometimes a comment can go misread, so whatever the occasion, however the topic and whomever you’d like to comment about, Talker99 is your new place to have your comment stay.

“Whenever I need to make a comment I don’t leave it on some other guys website that I don’t know jackshit about, I leave it on Talker99.. I trust Talker99 and I know that they have my family’s safety in mind, you really can’t put a price on that.” – Micheal Douglas, star of the hit film Basic Instinct.

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

Posted on by Talker99

A young girls tea party ended in violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously mauled the girl and her mother as they sat and talked.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia Richards(age 8) and her mother had just finished some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she did this she asked Grumpy Bear(who was sitting in the clothes hamper) if he would like to join the festivities.

Suddenly and without warning, Grumpy Bear jumped up from the hamper and attacked.

Alicia and her mother were both rushed to St. Jude’s where they are both in critical condition.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children.

Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he isn’t surprised by the bears actions, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing. No matter how adorable they are or magical they seem. Plus, this was Grumpy…. Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? His name says it all if you ask me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

Posted on by Talker99

Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Exclusive: Talker99 Interview

Posted on by Talker99

Seeing as how this is a new season of Talker99(following the sudden cancellation of the website last year by the Powers That Be(namely Me), it was soon decided that Talker99 should be brought back after an online petition was formed on Facebook.

Nearly 6000 signatures and four lawyer meetings later we are now finally ready to start the new season….the one you are currently reading) we thought it only fitting to start off with an interview with our Editor and Chief, Talker99(formally Talker96)

As we sat down with Talker99(in an undisclosed location deep within his home) we talked endlessly about the current state of things on the website(that you are currently on)what really happened between him and Jennifer Aniston and what he thinks is the actual proper way to pronounce the word “anticipation”.

It was a fun night filled with merriment, tears and delicious cheese bread supplied by Red Lobster(sponsor).

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- So……another season?

Talker99- Looks that way.

Talker99- Cool.

Talker99- Cool.

(edited for time)