Chapter 32: How to love the Homeless

As we learned in Chapter 16, the Homeless are not an easy people to get along with, let alone love, but through hard work and dedication we can begin to understand, maybe even, respect, this ancient and dirty people.

“To understand the Homeless you have to think like the Homeless.” So says Steven Wu, Professor of Homelessness at the Museum of Natural History and Science in Scranton, PA,. “The Homeless are a very sheltered people, which is ironic considering the fact that they lack shelter.

They are a very diverse group of individuals as well, filled with a wide variety of layers, both in clothing and cultural.”

continues on page 798

Florida golfer attacked by aliens

Jim Keen(72) of the Villages, a retirement community located in Florida, was golfing at the Villa Lake Golf course yesterday when he was unexpectedly attacked by Aliens.

Jack Reeds, who is Jim’s friend of twenty two years, was there at the time of the attack, he was kind enough to talk to us and tell us exactly what prompted such an act of aggression by beings from another world,

“We were just about to reach the eighth hole when it happened.

I was walking over to my clubs and Jim was washing his balls.

He always does that before each tee off….washing his balls just gets Jim all fired up and ready to play(chuckles).

Anyway, Jim steps up to tee off when all the sudden there’s this humming sound coming from all around us.

The hum seemed to grow louder and louder and louder till it was right on top of us, I swear I almost had a heart attack……I thought I was back in Korea, thats how loud it was!

. Well, Jim starts looking around and ducking for cover….all of a sudden the sky grows dark.

I look up and there is this huge space ship just hovering right above us. It’s just blocking out the sun, covering everything around us. It was huge, I mean…..just fucking huge! Words can’t describe it!

Jim starts screaming out…. He starts rambling how he was right. How he knew the Aliens were real and he didn’t just imagine them.

He tells me that they’ve been visiting him for about a week, taking him into their craft and looking him over.

Nothing sexual he says, more like a doctor telling you to turn and cough….he thought he might just have been dreaming so he didn’t tell anybody… so he wouldn’t sound crazy.

I tell ya brother, I felt like I was crazy.

Seeing that ship just sitting there made me think I had lost it(laughs). Anyways, all of a sudden, these two small grey creature like things just materialize right in front of us.

They stand there a moment, kinda scanning the surroundings, making sure it’s safe I guess….

Two minutes pass and they start walking over to Jim. I was feeling scared and proud all at once.

Scared because I was looking at little grey bug eyed creatures from space and proud cause this was going to change the world and my best friend was the acting ambassador to Earth…..

Well, they get maybe a foot away from Jim and it gets all quiet.

They are all just staring at each other, waiting to see who would move first. You could feel the tension in the air…..It got a little creepy honestly…. then all of the sudden one of the aliens starts talking gibberish to the other.

Nanoo nanoo type shit.

The little one points at Jim and the bigger one kinda nods his head up and down…..then they both go right over to Jim and kick him in the balls!

Jim cries out this low pitched whine and falls to the ground….kinda wheezing out….Well I guess that was the opening the aliens needed cuz they just started wailing on the poor bastard.

What was worse was that they really seemed to get into it. Kinda letting out these squeals of joy as they kicked.

This goes on for a few more seconds and then the little one puts his foot on Jim’s cheek and kinda stamps down like he’s putting out a cigarette …….and then they just disappeared, voom, gone.

It was the strangest shit I ever saw.

After that I just couldn’t play no more golf so I picked up Jim and took him to the hospital. His pride was pretty well shot for the rest of the day.”

Mr. Keen was treated for a mild concussion and fractured wrist. Police are said to be investigating

Almost fight leads to man saying Dude way to much

For Clifton, Nebraska resident, Carey Flinch, fighting is not something he does well.

So when he got into an argument last night at the local 24 hour Mexican restaurant in his town, he did everything in his power to not make it escalate, leaving some to question whether or not they really know who Carey is at all.

“All I know is Carey was talking to some girl he met when this big dude comes out of nowhere and starts yelling that he’s talking to his woman.” RobGrason told us by phone this morning, he’s Carey’s best friend and an eyewitness to the events, “Carey was caught off guard and just starts yelling YOU DONT WANT THIS DUDE! You dont want this Dude! You Don’t dude! Dude! Dude! and then just books it outside.

Well, the guy just follows, as does everyone in the bar cuz it looks like we’re gonna see a fight.

We all get out there and there’s Carey, yelling Dude, DUDE, I’ll kick your ass DUDE…. over and over…….

Eventually, the guy just gave up, out of boredom I think, and just goes back inside.

I went over to Carey cuz he was upset and visibly shaking, like, all over….

all he was saying was Dude, I showed him, that dude didn’t want none. Dude needs to……. It was fucking embarrassing, I took Carey home and told him to sleep it off. To be honest….I don’t know what the fuck to think.”

More as it develops.

Dora the explorer missing

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to check in after their hike up Green Mountain.

Despite Green Mountain being known as difficult terrain, Dora and Boots were both accomplished outdoorsman who(between the two) had logged over 500 hours up and down it’s trails.

According to sources, they had left in the early morning in hope of finding a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her hike.

No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case.

As are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there.

One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper.

The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth.

More as it updates.

Trix Rabbit arrested

The Trix cereal rabbit was arrested after an investigation into reports that the rabbit had been performing sexual acts with minors for bowls of cereal proved true.

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The rabbit, who released a statement following the arrest, had this to say,

“I’m just glad that it’s all out in the open. Did you people not ever pay attention? The kids were saying, Tricks are for Kids!

I have a problem, I can admit this. I will seek help following my judgment. Thank you”

No word yet from the Trix cereal makers.

Feral Cow

Deep in the foothills of Texas there lives a creature that, since being discovered only thirty two years ago, has been photographed just four times in it’s natural environment.

It is so stealth-like in it’s habits that scientists still have no clue as to where it goes every year during the months of November through January, speculating that its strange disappearance could either be a “mating season rite or a winter hibernation like move”.

I am talking of course about the North American Forest Bovine, or what some like to call, the Feral Cow.

The Feral Cow had long been considered a superstitious rumor that was thought up by the hill people of North Travis county, Texas but it’s discovery by Dr. Reginald Christian thirty two years ago, (who found a lost calf wondering alone in the woods), is still considered one of the greatest large animal findings in recorded history.

At the time, it was believed that all of North America had been discovered and the thought of a large cow(sometimes reaching a weight of 1500 lbs and a height of 6ft hoof to head) living, sometimes within a mile of a major metropolitan city, was unimaginable.

“What we have here is proof of the impossible.” Fred Joplin of the San Diego Zoo, where he is the current head of the reptile house(we could not reach anyone else) told us by phone, “What this finding did is give hope and precedence to all those that searched for things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. It gave them reason to keep looking because, just like Bigfoot, the Feral Cow was just a local legend for that area, something scary parents told their kids to keep them indoors at night. Once it was proven that it existed, that there actually was a giant cow out there in the hills….well, why not Bigfoot as well?”

The Feral Cow itself is not that much different from the normal dairy cow that you and I know, save for two distinct differences.

While a dairy cow has short, fine hair spread around its body, the Feral has long hair that resembles a Mountain Yak in fluff and color. And while the farm cow is really not that intelligent in it’s day to day reasoning skills, The Feral is an extremely intelligent creature, able to calculate situations it encounters with complex reasoning and in some well documented cases, a grasp of basic mathematics.

Also, another difference in the two is the Feral Cow is a carnivore, eating only meat, and has evolved over time into a formidable killing machine.

Over the years many people have disappeared while hiking in the woods of west Texas, many of these disappearances can be linked to the Feral Cow.

“Don’t let that dumb cow look fool you, they’ll tear you limb from limb and feast on your blood.” So says John Kilmer, a Lake Jackson, Texas resident who lost his wife and child to a rouge Feral Cow that terrorized the town for more than a decade. “People go out camping and think to themselves it won’t happen to them, no one ever sees the Cows, so they should be okay. Well I’m hear to tell you, it happens, the Cows happen. You come across one, you run like hell. They may look sweet and cuddly, they want you to think this, lull you in some, make you all comfortable….then Bam! The cow pounces, those cute eyes turn blood red and the last thing you hear is that horrible, horrible Moo…… the most evil moo there ever was.”

More is hoped to be learned about the cow in the coming months when an expedition is launched that hopes to study the Animal in it’s natural environment. This being the third research study in as many years, the first two disappearing, both within a week of their launch, and have yet to be heard from .

More as it develops.

Pokemon

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon is more than just a children’s card game and multi-million dollar money making animated series, it is a highly sophisticated, multinational governmental cover-up involving dozens of countries throughout the world, all of which are after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us, “some of the nations that are involved are most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over fifty Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror that was started in the early 2000’s was actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and weaponize all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation.

Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami that took over a hundred thousand lives.”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix. He then ran back to his bedroom and shut the door.

Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown.

I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

More as it develops

Woman starts Blog

Karen Hendricks started her blog today, http://www.CrazyTodaySaneTomorrow.wordpress.com and she promises you’re going to love it.

According to the press release, Karen, (a mother of two living in South Carolina and newly single following her divorce), decided to start the blog so she could vent her “frustrations and funstations” that her day to day life brings.

She also is hoping to fill it with weekly posts about blogging.

Topics like “how to blog”, “how not to blog”, “how to get more followers”, “what to write about on your blog”, “the importance of the like button”, and “why you should comment on others blogs”.

She will also talk a lot about “stats” and “getting your name out there so the public can find you”.

Lastly, she will be filling it with every poem she has ever written.

These will be randomly placed throughout the week when she can not figure anything else out to write, adding, “they will show the true me. Who I am both before and after the divorce. I can promise you it will be an emotional roller coaster that shows my inner workings. I’m kind of nervous because of how personal my poetry is….”

It will be the most exciting thing you’ve read until the next blog you read.

Elvis Presley found alive but excitement is short lived

Fans of Elvis Presley were both excited and saddened today as news of The King, who was thought to have died in 1977, had been found alive inside a Louisville, Kentucky mall.

The news of Elvis’s apparent resurrection was short lived when approximately fifteen minutes later he was pronounced dead after suffering a stroke.

The mystery behind the death of Elvis has long been a topic of much debate, but had mostly died out in the recent years on account that most thought it was a stupid topic.

Jerry Cantro, who runs the website http://www.Elvisiseverywhere.org, a website devoted to Elvis sightings and Elvis memorabilia, had this to say, “I told you Elvis was alive. None of you believed me when I said I saw Elvis back in 1983. He was at the Grand Rapids, Michigan movie theater walking into the Jaws 3-D screening. I told you so. You all just laughed, only Weekly world News believed me………screw you people.”

The couple that spotted him in the mall, Jonathan and Judy Hogan from Clearwaters, Florida, would not talk to us directly but released a statement to the press saying that they are very saddened by the sudden loss of an American icon and when they spotted him buying a Cushioned Sleep Mask in the Brookstone store, he looked well and not in any way unhealthy.

He will be missed again.

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Washington D.C.,

President Trump spoke this past Tuesday about how close we came to losing the Earth realm during the 2015 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters.

It’s a millennial old battle where the final outcome decides the losing realmes fate.

In order to successfully win though, the invading realm must win ten straight competitions so, usually, we have had nothing to worry about.

In 2015 we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and prized fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.

After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger.

Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, (which was to take place over three days in Outworld), got off to a rocky start when Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list.

While getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport she fell and broke her ankle.

A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when a blood test showed positive for both cocaine and steroids.

The future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened. In an event that will rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history….. Liu Kang beat them all.

He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for. Betting circles around the world placed him last and untested.

It was probably this status that helped him win.

The night of the final fight, (it’s been reported), Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome. He had started drinking heavily throughout the day and was seen passed out some two hours before the fight.

At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began….. three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious.

After taking a beating for the first two minutes and almost having the towel thrown in by his trainer, Liu stood up and showed the world his gravity defying signiture move, the flying bicycle kick.

As soon as he landed those rapid kicks to Goros chest it was all over. He then knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, shot three fireballs at him and ended with an amazing finishing move that caused Goros head to explode and arms rip completely off.

Our world, at least for now, was saved.

President Trump honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

Alcoholic nation of Poland complains Stereotypes are offensive

The crime-ridden, alcoholic nation of Poland went before NATO today complaining that stereotypes about their communistic land are hurting its economy, namely the tourist portion.

When the anti-Semitic speaker of Poland had finished he was met with a small amount of applause and some light finger snapping from the hippie loving, pot smoking liberal representatives of Nato(Sean Penn was there).

Reps for the Asian portions of the world and the people who are clearly smarter than everyone(especially where math is concerned) gave Poland its full support in getting rid of stereotypes, adding “We very, very excited to support Poland in stereotype problem. We know all to well stereotyping, it bad, bad thing. Ching chow.” He then drove off and wrecked his car into the building across the street.

America is apparently on the fence when it comes to certain views on stereotypes. President Trump, himself a rich, white Republican who hates minorities and womens rights, sent a message to the leader of Poland after his speech, saying, “We support your speech. As you know, my nation is filled with dumb blondes, stupid jocks, slutty cheerleaders, rich white guys, drunk Irish, inbred hillbillies, hairy, bomb wearing middle eastern guys, trailer park trash, smarty pants, game playing Asians and more Mexican illegals than I can shake a stick at. What I’m saying is, stereotypes have no place in our society so we stand with you in eradicating those types of views from the face of the Earth.” ,

The wild animal roaming, dirt road nation of Poland also got support from the racist nation of South Africa, the big nosed French, the no sense of humor Nazi loving Germany and the really bad dancing white guy in the corner.

More as it develops.

China bans Chinese Food

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters, mostly in rural areas, had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, we are always looking for ways to improve .

Anyway, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy.

Because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Everything we eat is Chinese food because it’s China!

But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing but Chinese food and that’s not right.

Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more. When the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have that as an option because there’s not an Olive Garden anywhere in China!

Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s an Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of. Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been heard and we are officially banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s what’s going down.

For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

Help Wanted

Do you have a love for the outdoors and a desire to change the world into a better place?

Do you have compassion, patience and the ability to teach without lecturing?

And finally, do you want to show the value of nature and be a positive influence to it’s upkeep?

If you answered yes to any of these questions than you just may be the person were looking for at Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience.

Currently we are looking to fill our Camp Counselor positions for the summer months.

We offer competitive pay and great health benefits for the right candidates.

Sporting a new, 24 hour a day security and surveillance system that covers the entire perimeter of the campground, you can feel safe and secure throughout your stay with us.

The lake has been completely cleaned of all debris and has had all traces of the past events that took place around it removed.

If for any reason during your employment you must venture out of the camp ground, you can feel secure due to the armed guard that patrols the camp.

You’ll gain confidence after attending the self defence and survival seminar that is required of all new hires.

All in all, Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience is a great place to work and learn for all involved.

Your safety is what matters most.

We look forward to hearing from you.

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

Reminder: 48 hours until Opposite Day

With less than 48 hours to go until the start of the annual Opposite Day, city officials are working overtime to secure all banking institutions and government buildings for a smooth return to normalcy after the event.

For those not wishing to partake on Opposite day festivities, you are being reminded to stay indoors and secure all points of entry to your home.

Protests have been springing up all over the nation this past week asking for an end to Opposite Day but they have fallen on deaf ears.

The protesters, who have been dubbed, Oppositioners, are calling for every city to have a silent vigil an hour before the start of O. D. so as to remember those that lost their lives in last years festivities.

Critics of the Oppositioners are being very vocal about how foolhardy of an idea this is on account that it gives people a very limited amount of time to get home and prepare.

As a safety reminder, Opposite Day takes place over a 24 hour period and allows all involved to do the exact opposite of their regular behavior, even murder.

Be safe, be aware, be Vigilante.

Bible 2 announced

Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Parents of Kevin McCallister deemed unfit, children placed in foster care

Kate and Peter McCallister appeared before the judge today in hope of a positive resolution to all that their family has been through in recent months.

Sadly though, the judge sided with the states prosecutor and deemed the McCallisters unfit as parents, placing the children in foster care .

You may remember the story of young Kevin McCallister, who, at the age of eight was left home alone on Christmas while his family vacationed in France.

On Christmas eve, a day before his mother flew back, Kevin’s home was burglarized by Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, who were already wanted for a series of burglaries throughout the city.

Over the course of the night the two tried repeatedly to get inside the McCallister home, only to be outwitted by the precocious 8 year old who had built a series of traps after learning of the thieves plans the day before.

Almost over night young Kevin became a media sensation and the public believed the parents story of “accidentally” leaving their youngest behind.

Then it happened again.

This time though he wasn’t left at home, he was left in New York City. To make matters worse the same two crooks that he helped put behind bars had just been released on parole and wanted their revenge.

Luckily, he outsmarted the crooks yet again and survived his time on the cold New York streets.

This time the public didn’t accept the parents excuse of their son being left behind accidentally and wanted justice for young Kevin.

An investigation was underway shortly after and the McCallisters, already deemed unfit by most of the public, faced an uphill battle to prove their innocence.

That is where we find the story today and, as expected, the court agrees with the public.

When asked what she thought of the ruling Kate McCallister only had this to say, “It was an Accident, I swear. I never would have just left my son. I love my son and have always been the best mother I could be.”

More as it updates.

Penguins study

Scientists studying the mating habits of Penguins in Antarctica announced today that, contrary to popular belief, Penguins are not in any way gay.

But they may be a little bit curious.

Ronald Herrington, who was in charge of the study (funded by the popular Gay and Lesbian lifestyle magazine, Out), talked to us by phone and gave us more details,

“We were out there for about three months, during the height of Penguin mating season, and we viewed, give or take, about thirty thousand penguins coupling.

After awhile the female will lay an egg, take one look at it and decide that she really has no idea what she got herself into.

Either she thinks that she’s too young to be a mother or she still has some wild oats to sow, whatever it is, she gets the hell out of there toots sweet and leaves sole custody to the male.

Now, imagine, you’re a male penguin and you’ve just been handed an egg with your son or daughter growing inside it. You’re confused, scared and your heart has been shattered.

I ask you, what would you do in this situation?

Well, in the case of the Arctic Penguin, they turn to their best friend, who, ironically, has had the exact same thing happen to them.

To make matters worse, the ex girlfriend left them during the coldest, harshest part of the winter.

So there they are, cold, depressed and panicked because, honestly, what do they know about raising a child?

So they go to the only place a male penguin can hang out and relax…. down at the ice reef.

Luckily, there are about 15000 other guys freaking out there also so it becomes like a giant self help meeting.

Now remember, it’s freakin freezing out there, so all these guys clump together for warmth. There you all are, a pathetic bunch huddled together to protect each other from the environment and self harm.

For three months this is all these guys do, bitch, cry and bond. During this time it’s only natural for these guys to…… experiment a little…..

Shit, I was here with four other guys for three months watching these birds. I was kinda in the same boat as they were.

I’m not saying we got all gay or anything but, Tommy, our helicopter pilot, sure did try enough times.

Eventually, all the female penguins come crying back, fatter and with a lot more fur. Some of the guys listen to their sob stories and take them back. Others not so much.

The ones that don’t take them back found, we think, that they were happiest with whichever guy they hooked up with.

They didn’t know they were gay, but now they sure as hell are more comfy because of it. It happened to Tommy, it sure does happen to penguins.

Many in the scientific community are disputing Mr. Herrington’s findings, saying that he’s an idiot

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

The Chickasaw Tribe, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for much of the imagery and lore about Native Americans.

They are also the creators of the Indian Burn,(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually even are.

It all began last month after Ancestry.com chose the tribe for their “Your History, Guaranteed” promotional campaign, which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years when it came to anyone’s history.

To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe. Since most tribes didn’t keep records it would certainly be an impressive feat if they succeeded.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made.

Not only was the challenge a success but Ancestry.com was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began.

The Chickasaws had always believed their origin area to have been somewhere in Southern Oklahoma…..They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land. It borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these villages named Chickasaw, would ” eventually have it’s villagers leave their land in hope of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”.

At least that’s what Ancestry.com found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding.

Read more in the newest edition of USA Todays article, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians.

North Koreans to unveil Death Ray

North Korea is planning to unveil it’s “hush hush, super top secret Proton Death Ray by mid-March, maybe mid-June” of next year, Kim Jong-un (The Jongster as he’s known in most circles) said by phone Tuesday night.

“We are planning to give those Iranians and their Super Sonic Mind Control Force Field a definite run for their money. And look out Russia, with your Weather Doppler Windy Shonisticia, you ain’t got nothing on us. Soon we will rule the world because we now have Death Ray.”

I then asked who was speaking and he said Kimmy Jong from North Korea. I told him I thought he might have dialed the wrong number. He then asked if he had called 512-456-9372? I replied “no, this was 9732.”

There was a brief silence, some heavy breathing, a muffled “shit” and then he hung up the phone.

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Talker99 Breaking News: Outbreak of Saturday Night Fever in midwest, death toll rising

At least 17 people in Chicago, IL have been stricken with the deadly Saturday Night Fever virus and more are expected before the night is through.

The C. D. C. Is asking that if you have symptoms related to the virus that you seek medical attention as a precaution.

James Slovack of the C. D. C had this to say, “We are trying to stop this before it gets worse, so if you are even showimg moderate symptoms, please seek medical help. This is a fast moving virus that kills, on average, 60 percent of those that contract it, with the other 40 percent unable to gain proper use of their motor skills. We need to stop this before it gets worse. ”

The virus, first discovered in the late 1970s after a midnight screening of the film its named after, seemed to destroy all it came in contact with.

The Ohio town where the first outbreak occured lost 38 percent of its population within a weeks time. The ones who survived were never the same, leaving many placed in 24 hour total care facilities.

The virus, spreads visually and quickly takes over the part of the brain that controls muscle movement. Within 2 hours of catching it the legs begin to move in a rhythmic sway. Within four hours, the hips and arms swing, lifting in unison to the legs. After 3 days of constant perpetual motion the body just collapses in exhaustion and the patient dies.

The virus is closely related to the Jungle Fever virus that broke out in the late 80s. Scientists had thought they had eradicated jungle fever until two teenagers caught the film that it had stemmed from late one night on TBS.

Luckily only four people came up sick but the C. D. C warns it could happen again.

More as it develops.

Gary Busey finds cure for Colon Cancer

In a moment of inspiration, actor Gary Busey, star of such films as “The Buddy Holly Story”,”Lethal Weapon” and “Under Siege”, discovered a cure for colon cancer while working out of his basement yesterday in his Malibu, California home.

The medical community is in stunned silence.

“I don’t know,” Gary Busey told us by telephone, “I was sitting there, looking at my feet, I got a bad ingrown toenail, watching “The Hunger” with Susan Surandon, she is an amazing actress isn’t she? “White Palace” is an amazing film ain’t it? James Spader is in it too.

You ever seen that show he was on? That lawyer show? It was good. William Shatner was in it.(very long pause, seems to be thinking) Captain Kirk! That’s amazing. Do you think there are aliens here now? I do. They’re everywhere. So I’m sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet, when it hits me! Bam!(get’s right into phone, breathing heavy, yells) I got it! And I rush down to the basement, where my cancer rats are, and mix my potion of science up and…. Bam! Cure for cancer.”

The full medical report on his findings will be released tomorrow.

Dying man vows to come back from his grave for vengeance. Family still waiting

For Jacob Little, being killed in a bar fight was not what he had planned to do last Saturday night.

Plans change though.

According to the police report, Jacob had gone to the Coach Bar in East Philadelphia to celebrate his second cousins third marriage to his sisters God-mother.

Friends and family say that in reality, the marriage was just an excuse for Jacob to go out

“The second we walked into tha Coach, Jacob sees his ex Michelle.” Frank Lippson, Jacobs best friend, told us by phone last Sunday, “Ands we all knows that Jacob didn’t need to be anywhere nears Michelle.

They had broken up not even thirty six hours before when Michelle told him she had tha crotch warts (genital) and it was probably best if she let him know.

But tha fuckin thing is, see, they had already been going at it for three months. One time even dirty dancin on my moms dining room table. I tell ya what, I never have looked at that table the same, even more so since learnin of her vag pox.

I mean, my god damned grammy eats at that table. So yeah, Michelles a bitch.

Well, Jacob says it’s all cool and that he ain’t gonna start no shit, he just wants to celebrate the beauty of the marriage. Ten minutes later, fuckin Michelle has edged her way next to our table with her date, some Filipino dude……

Where she found a Filipino living in our neighborhood I swear, I’ll never know, but she did and they were both makin all loud an warty not two feet from us.

Finally, Jackie boy had had enough and said that he wanted to get the fuck out of there before he did something that he’d regret. Well the Filipino from East Philly overhears Jacob and takes it as a threat.

He was drunk already on account that he was a little guy who couldn’t handle his liqueur. Well, he gets all up in Jacobs face, yelling about how Jacob better watch his mouth or he might find himself all cut up.

None of us took the threat seriously because a knife threat in Philly is a dime a dozen. One time my mother told me I better straightin up in church or she’d cut me, I think I was like eight years old or somethin.

Anyways, Jacob laughs it off and pushes the Filipino dude out of the way using just a finger. That seriously pissed off the little guy and he goes all ninja on us.

He starts wailing around saying he knows shit and how to hurt us real bad. We all laughed and start walking when the little fucker pulls out a fucking knife the size of his fuckin leg and just tears into Jacob.

There was blood everywhere and we were all just stunned like we were seeing a circus trick. I think I snapped first and pulled the guy off but by then it was to late, Jackie boy was dying……

Lemme tell ya man, he was pissed about it.

Somehow, while we were all lookin after my bro, the little ninja bolted away from us and flew out the door. That little fucks still gone, no idea where he’s hiding…..

Well when Jacob found that out, it just pissed him off even more. As he laid there dying with his last breath he screamed out, “as God is my witness, I am going to come back from the dead and kill that little fucker! Even if it takes me all night, I will figure out how to do it! I’ll rise up, get a clean shirt and pants and then spend the rest of the day lookin for that bastard”.

I tell you what, I don’t think there was a person in that bar that didn’t believe he might just do it, he was that pissed.”

As of this posting, Jacobs funeral is set for Wednesday at the Grey Lagoon Cemetery. Services begin at 10 a.m

Shocking allegations detailing years of abuse involving the Pound Puppies

The owners of Violet Vanderfeller(a Greyhound/Shar Pei mix) have come forth today with allegations of abuse and mistreatment involving the City Pound workers and the animals they were responsible for.

“Our poor Violet was beaten so badly that when we finally got her back she could barely walk.” said Susan Hoffendorfer, Violets owner and friend, who talked to us by phone.”It was a horrible, horrible experience for our dog and I hope that they all go to jail for a very long time.”

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

To add insult to injury, a police report has surfaced from two years ago that shows this isn’t the first time the pound has come under fire.

According to the report, police were called by a woman claiming she had found three dogs that were living at the pound and they were roaming the streets of her neighborhood.

All were badly malnourished and beaten. The report goes on to say that the pound puppies were named Cooler(Beagle/Bloodhound mix), Nose Marie(Boxer/Bloodhound) and Howler(Pug/Jack Russel) and seemed to have been looking for something in the neighborhood, though it’s not clear what it was.

The current owners of the pound could not be reached for comment.

More as it develops.

World Population Update

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 9 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

Exclusive: Talker99 Interview

Seeing as how this is a new season of Talker99(following the sudden cancellation of the website last year by the Powers That Be(namely Me), it was soon decided that Talker99 should be brought back after an online petition was formed on Facebook.

Nearly 6000 signatures and four lawyer meetings later we are now finally ready to start the new season….the one you are currently reading) we thought it only fitting to start off with an interview with our Editor and Chief, Talker99(formally Talker96)

As we sat down with Talker99(in an undisclosed location deep within his home) we talked endlessly about the current state of things on the website(that you are currently on)what really happened between him and Jennifer Aniston and what he thinks is the actual proper way to pronounce the word “anticipation”.

It was a fun night filled with merriment, tears and delicious cheese bread supplied by Red Lobster(sponsor).

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- So……another season?

Talker99- Looks that way.

Talker99- Cool.

Talker99- Cool.

(edited for time)