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Florida golfer attacked by aliens

Posted on by Talker99

Jim Keen(72) of the Villages, a retirement community located in Florida, was golfing at the Villa Lake Golf course yesterday when he was unexpectedly attacked by Aliens.

Jack Reeds, who is Jim’s friend of twenty two years, was there at the time of the attack, he was kind enough to talk to us and tell us exactly what prompted such an act of aggression by beings from another world,

“We were just about to reach the eighth hole when it happened.

I was walking over to my clubs and Jim was washing his balls.

He always does that before each tee off….washing his balls just gets Jim all fired up and ready to play(chuckles).

Anyway, Jim steps up to tee off when all the sudden there’s this humming sound coming from all around us.

The hum seemed to grow louder and louder and louder till it was right on top of us, I swear I almost had a heart attack……I thought I was back in Korea, thats how loud it was!

. Well, Jim starts looking around and ducking for cover….all of a sudden the sky grows dark.

I look up and there is this huge space ship just hovering right above us. It’s just blocking out the sun, covering everything around us. It was huge, I mean…..just fucking huge! Words can’t describe it!

Jim starts screaming out…. He starts rambling how he was right. How he knew the Aliens were real and he didn’t just imagine them.

He tells me that they’ve been visiting him for about a week, taking him into their craft and looking him over.

Nothing sexual he says, more like a doctor telling you to turn and cough….he thought he might just have been dreaming so he didn’t tell anybody… so he wouldn’t sound crazy.

I tell ya brother, I felt like I was crazy.

Seeing that ship just sitting there made me think I had lost it(laughs). Anyways, all of a sudden, these two small grey creature like things just materialize right in front of us.

They stand there a moment, kinda scanning the surroundings, making sure it’s safe I guess….

Two minutes pass and they start walking over to Jim. I was feeling scared and proud all at once.

Scared because I was looking at little grey bug eyed creatures from space and proud cause this was going to change the world and my best friend was the acting ambassador to Earth…..

Well, they get maybe a foot away from Jim and it gets all quiet.

They are all just staring at each other, waiting to see who would move first. You could feel the tension in the air…..It got a little creepy honestly…. then all of the sudden one of the aliens starts talking gibberish to the other.

Nanoo nanoo type shit.

The little one points at Jim and the bigger one kinda nods his head up and down…..then they both go right over to Jim and kick him in the balls!

Jim cries out this low pitched whine and falls to the ground….kinda wheezing out….Well I guess that was the opening the aliens needed cuz they just started wailing on the poor bastard.

What was worse was that they really seemed to get into it. Kinda letting out these squeals of joy as they kicked.

This goes on for a few more seconds and then the little one puts his foot on Jim’s cheek and kinda stamps down like he’s putting out a cigarette …….and then they just disappeared, voom, gone.

It was the strangest shit I ever saw.

After that I just couldn’t play no more golf so I picked up Jim and took him to the hospital. His pride was pretty well shot for the rest of the day.”

Mr. Keen was treated for a mild concussion and fractured wrist. Police are said to be investigating

Man stops Charging Grizzly

Posted on by Talker99

While camping at the Happy Place campgrounds in Barrow Falls, Alaska, Harold Harkins (of Beaverton, MN) managed to stop a charging, very pissed off Grizzly bear that was attacking. His act of bravery is what saved the rest of Larry and Laura Hartnets vacation.

Larry Hartnet, a Target manager from Butte, Montana, talked to us by phone, “Well, see me and the wife were wanting to go on the all inclusive bear tour during our trip. We paid for it and it’s all the wife could talk about on the way up here.

Just nonstop yapping about how she(begins to mimic his wife laura in a annoying, high pitched voice) just can’t wait to see the bears. Oooooo, the bears are gonna be so pretty and majestic. Do you think we’ll see a bear? What if we can’t see a bear? Bear. Bear. Bear…. (stops imitating)

I swear to Christ it was all I freakin’ heard,

Anyways, we get there and the first night, no bears.

The second night, no freakin’ bears.

I thought my wife was gonna bust she was actin’ so upset. Well, I get wind of another bear tour that drives a group of us up into the mountain, puts some dead animal or fish out in the open and waits there till one comes walkin’.

It was freakin’ perfect! Anything to get her trap from freakin’ talkin’ bout those dumb ass bears!

So I tell the wife about it and we drive up to where the tour is supposed to leave. Trouble was we get there exactly ten minutes too late! The freakin’ tour thingy already left! Thats when the water works came…..oh Jesus, I swear I wanted a bear to show just so it could eat her, she was crying so much.

Suddenly I hear a “pssst, pssst”, coming from behind me. I turn around and it’s a freakin’ aww inspiring-like Grizzly Bear! Totally brown and bear-like and he’s just looking me dead in the eye, kinda mean muggin’ me….. Then I see that he’s trying to call me over, kinda wavin’ at me with his big bear paws. It was freakin’ crazy!

So I walk up and he starts askin’ if we want to see the bears….and that he can show us more bears if we want. Then he starts to explain the deals he has and the prices. We haggled a few minutes and me an the wife decided on package number 1, which involved us following him up to his place.

Once there we would be allowed to sit and watch him in his natural environment. Total package was for about $150. A little pricey but well worth it to get the wife to shut up.

So we follow the fucker up into the hills for about ten minutes and all is fine. Suddenly he just stops and turns to me and says he wants the money up front.

Well, I ain’t sure if this bear is on the level so I say I’ll pay half now, half after. I mean, I don’t know this bear, he could just take off if he gets the money and then where would I be? Up shit creek, thats where!

I could tell though that the bear wasn’t having it and he starts to get all pissy. His attitude just rubbed me wrong and we start to argue.

This goes on for a few minutes and then he starts to just walk away, throwing his paws up as he does. As he gets past me I just snap like a twig and I tell him to fuck off.

He suddenly stops dead in his tracks and the whole forest, well, it just gets weirdly quiet. Then he turns around, looks me square in the eyes and says, “what the fuck did you just say?”

I looked right back and said, “F. U. C. K. Y. O. U…..does a bear spell in the woods? No? Well let me read it for you…” I then stuck up both middle fingers and yelled, “FUCK YOU!”

The shit pretty much hit the fan at this point.

He starts screaming at me, calling me every name he can think of. Thats when my wife just starts crying, real loud, heaving sobs, but amazingly, she is snappin’ pictures the entire time.

I decided to be the bigger man and say fuck it and walk away but he grabs my shoulder and tells me I owe him 50 bucks. I tell him that all I owe him is a black eye and lucky for him I don’t feel like collecting.

Thats when he pushes me.

So I stamp my foot into the ground and pushed back.

Then he started to growl.

At this point I realize that he was a bear….. a big ass, mean, giant Grizzly bear and I was pretty much fucked.

Suddenly I see this guy, Harold, coming up from the trail. Like a knight to my damsel in distress, he saw what was about to go down and he jumps in to stop it. I guess the bear didn’t see him cuz he still swiped down trying to hit me….(starts to cry) but he hits Harold instead.

It killed him instantly.

Seconds later some Rangers show up and just start shooting the bear. My wife, who is still taking pics, pushes me down to the ground and saved my ass.

She took two shots in the ass and will be off her feet a few weeks, thats what I’m dealing with now, which sucks.

More as it updates.

This is a new post(now in color!)

Posted on by Talker99

This is a completely new post.

How can you actually tell its a new post and not some rehash of a previous post?

Simple….it says the word “New” in the title sentence.

Considering the word “New” is costing us about 14,000$ (in order to publish words such as “New” to you, (the reader), we,(the Publishers), must submit all articles for verification and processing through the Plagiarism and Copyright Commission U.S. Division(P.C.C.U.S.D) as stated in the Internet Guidelines Article 5.7.

The cost of doing this can be quite expensive seeing as they charge per word, this is why the internet is littered with nothing but headlines and short snappy posts made up of less than 500 words) we are not going to be wasting money on something that was already written within this website.

That my friends is how you know that what you are currently reading is New.

Thank you

Scientists say a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within a week

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists announced today that a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within three or four days, dramatically changing the surface of its terrain.

The comet, nicknamed Ol’ Glory by the Warcraft Astronomer who found it(BizKilla345), will probably strike somewhere in the Broken Isles area, causing massive tsunamis and Worldcraft wide devastation.

As news of the impending doom spread around the online world, violence quickly erupted, causing at least twenty thousand confirmed fake deaths in the unreal communities of the false world.

Looting, riots and annoying lags of internet connections are just a few of the problems that the families of the World of Warcraft have been going through since hearing of the mile wide comet. Underneath it all there have been stories of compassion as well.

We heard from SmiteUall33, who told us of a man who has given away all of his Warcraft possessions to those affected by the violence. Sadly though, his kindness was taken advantage of by some rouge Ironforge Dwarves who killed him while he prayed with a Blood Elf.

No plans have been made yet for evacuation though many are hoping that the World of Warcraft players will soon realize that it is only a game and get back to their real, everyday lives.

Feral Cow

Posted on by Talker99

Deep in the foothills of Texas there lives a creature that, since being discovered only thirty two years ago, has been photographed just four times in it’s natural environment.

It is so stealth-like in it’s habits that scientists still have no clue as to where it goes every year during the months of November through January, speculating that its strange disappearance could either be a “mating season rite or a winter hibernation like move”.

I am talking of course about the North American Forest Bovine, or what some like to call, the Feral Cow.

The Feral Cow had long been considered a superstitious rumor that was thought up by the hill people of North Travis county, Texas but it’s discovery by Dr. Reginald Christian thirty two years ago, (who found a lost calf wondering alone in the woods), is still considered one of the greatest large animal findings in recorded history.

At the time, it was believed that all of North America had been discovered and the thought of a large cow(sometimes reaching a weight of 1500 lbs and a height of 6ft hoof to head) living, sometimes within a mile of a major metropolitan city, was unimaginable.

“What we have here is proof of the impossible.” Fred Joplin of the San Diego Zoo, where he is the current head of the reptile house(we could not reach anyone else) told us by phone, “What this finding did is give hope and precedence to all those that searched for things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. It gave them reason to keep looking because, just like Bigfoot, the Feral Cow was just a local legend for that area, something scary parents told their kids to keep them indoors at night. Once it was proven that it existed, that there actually was a giant cow out there in the hills….well, why not Bigfoot as well?”

The Feral Cow itself is not that much different from the normal dairy cow that you and I know, save for two distinct differences.

While a dairy cow has short, fine hair spread around its body, the Feral has long hair that resembles a Mountain Yak in fluff and color. And while the farm cow is really not that intelligent in it’s day to day reasoning skills, The Feral is an extremely intelligent creature, able to calculate situations it encounters with complex reasoning and in some well documented cases, a grasp of basic mathematics.

Also, another difference in the two is the Feral Cow is a carnivore, eating only meat, and has evolved over time into a formidable killing machine.

Over the years many people have disappeared while hiking in the woods of west Texas, many of these disappearances can be linked to the Feral Cow.

“Don’t let that dumb cow look fool you, they’ll tear you limb from limb and feast on your blood.” So says John Kilmer, a Lake Jackson, Texas resident who lost his wife and child to a rouge Feral Cow that terrorized the town for more than a decade. “People go out camping and think to themselves it won’t happen to them, no one ever sees the Cows, so they should be okay. Well I’m hear to tell you, it happens, the Cows happen. You come across one, you run like hell. They may look sweet and cuddly, they want you to think this, lull you in some, make you all comfortable….then Bam! The cow pounces, those cute eyes turn blood red and the last thing you hear is that horrible, horrible Moo…… the most evil moo there ever was.”

More is hoped to be learned about the cow in the coming months when an expedition is launched that hopes to study the Animal in it’s natural environment. This being the third research study in as many years, the first two disappearing, both within a week of their launch, and have yet to be heard from .

More as it develops.

Talker99 Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking).

The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone.

They in no way represent the thoughts and feelings of the writers at Talker99(namely me, Talker99).

After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed. This is completely normal and should not be looked upon as anything other than what it actually is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.

That was a poorly written post a few days ago.

I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it without editing it.

My thoughts on stories about midgets have always been the same, that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t) short and sexy.

What I mean is, that they should be whimsical and full of magic…… anything else and they just become a dwarf.

Yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it.

Here’s the thing…. that is way to much work.

It is so much easier to create than to decreate(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing, swang, swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey? I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize.

It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.

Wait…what?eItpPiy_bAHoqlyFo41-gw

Pokemon

Posted on by Talker99

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon is more than just a children’s card game and multi-million dollar money making animated series, it is a highly sophisticated, multinational governmental cover-up involving dozens of countries throughout the world, all of which are after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us, “some of the nations that are involved are most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over fifty Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror that was started in the early 2000’s was actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and weaponize all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation.

Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami that took over a hundred thousand lives.”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix. He then ran back to his bedroom and shut the door.

Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown.

I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

More as it develops

Tàlker99 vs. Dr Seuss part 2

Posted on by Talker99

At an abandoned old field

On the edge of town

Young Billy sat bored

With his face in a frown

Then he said to himself

In the grumpiest of words

“this town is so boring!”

“yes, this town is absurd!”

“there’s just nothing to do here!”

“no fun to be had!”

“I hate that I live here!”

“it just makes me so mad!”

All at once came a voice

From within the old field

Saying, “boy you just wait”

“till the fun gets revealed”

Then up from the grass

Came a man of short stock

He carried a cane

And jumped up on a rock

Then he said “young man!”

“just look at this place”

“all the fun to be had”

“in this glorious space!”

“I’m planning to open

And run a worlds fair.

With games and arcades

And nonstop fun everywhere

Right here you’ll buy tickets

Then enter into

The world’s first and only

Zoo that pets you

Here you’ll see all the creatures

That are brought from afar

Like the liontoad zimby

From the nation Japar

There will be Breasels, and Drexals

And fang toothed Buhstrakes

And the small shy Vantooth

Which can only eat cakes

Further into my fair

And you’ll see the first ride

The world’s tallest and fastest

Water spout slide

Ten thousand feet to the top

Quite the sight to behold

A marvel in making

Or so I’ve been told

Thirty minutes to walk up

Then a minute back down

Think of the joy

It’ll bring to this town

Over here in this part

Of this empty old field

Will be such a carousel

With secrets concealed

At first it goes slow

At a leisurely pace

Then faster it goes

You’ll feel your heart race

If rides aren’t your thing

There’s still plenty to do

Theres tons more to see

It’ll be up to you

The world’s greatest places

Will be at my  fair

Each with their own tent

All made with great care

You’ll learn of great cultures

And rich histories

And of people and places

With lost mysteries

My world’s fair will be

The grandest of things

I can’t wait to see

All the joy that it brings

Then he said to the boy

Can you envision it there

So grand and majestic-

My amazing world’s fair

But Billy just turned

And started back home

No imagine to speak of

So he played on his phone

The Lair of the Hairless Bear, We are all required

Posted on by Talker99

Detroit, Michigan

If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you may be going there…….

there can be only one reason: You are on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear.

At one point in each of our lives we are called by the Hairless Bear. We don’t know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and when it happens we will be judged.

If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father).

Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so do not worry.

When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted.

If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy. If it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days. If the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs.

Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and so it must be accepted.

If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi worms, it would be a smart decision to do as told.

A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada.

No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and so it must be accepted.

People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely).

No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted.

Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close.

Just remember he’s also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear.

Alcoholic nation of Poland complains Stereotypes are offensive

Posted on by Talker99

The crime-ridden, alcoholic nation of Poland went before NATO today complaining that stereotypes about their communistic land are hurting its economy, namely the tourist portion.

When the anti-Semitic speaker of Poland had finished he was met with a small amount of applause and some light finger snapping from the hippie loving, pot smoking liberal representatives of Nato(Sean Penn was there).

Reps for the Asian portions of the world and the people who are clearly smarter than everyone(especially where math is concerned) gave Poland its full support in getting rid of stereotypes, adding “We very, very excited to support Poland in stereotype problem. We know all to well stereotyping, it bad, bad thing. Ching chow.” He then drove off and wrecked his car into the building across the street.

America is apparently on the fence when it comes to certain views on stereotypes. President Trump, himself a rich, white Republican who hates minorities and womens rights, sent a message to the leader of Poland after his speech, saying, “We support your speech. As you know, my nation is filled with dumb blondes, stupid jocks, slutty cheerleaders, rich white guys, drunk Irish, inbred hillbillies, hairy, bomb wearing middle eastern guys, trailer park trash, smarty pants, game playing Asians and more Mexican illegals than I can shake a stick at. What I’m saying is, stereotypes have no place in our society so we stand with you in eradicating those types of views from the face of the Earth.” ,

The wild animal roaming, dirt road nation of Poland also got support from the racist nation of South Africa, the big nosed French, the no sense of humor Nazi loving Germany and the really bad dancing white guy in the corner.

More as it develops.

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

Posted on by Talker99

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

Bible 2 announced

Posted on by Talker99

Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Penguins study

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists studying the mating habits of Penguins in Antarctica announced today that, contrary to popular belief, Penguins are not in any way gay.

But they may be a little bit curious.

Ronald Herrington, who was in charge of the study (funded by the popular Gay and Lesbian lifestyle magazine, Out), talked to us by phone and gave us more details,

“We were out there for about three months, during the height of Penguin mating season, and we viewed, give or take, about thirty thousand penguins coupling.

After awhile the female will lay an egg, take one look at it and decide that she really has no idea what she got herself into.

Either she thinks that she’s too young to be a mother or she still has some wild oats to sow, whatever it is, she gets the hell out of there toots sweet and leaves sole custody to the male.

Now, imagine, you’re a male penguin and you’ve just been handed an egg with your son or daughter growing inside it. You’re confused, scared and your heart has been shattered.

I ask you, what would you do in this situation?

Well, in the case of the Arctic Penguin, they turn to their best friend, who, ironically, has had the exact same thing happen to them.

To make matters worse, the ex girlfriend left them during the coldest, harshest part of the winter.

So there they are, cold, depressed and panicked because, honestly, what do they know about raising a child?

So they go to the only place a male penguin can hang out and relax…. down at the ice reef.

Luckily, there are about 15000 other guys freaking out there also so it becomes like a giant self help meeting.

Now remember, it’s freakin freezing out there, so all these guys clump together for warmth. There you all are, a pathetic bunch huddled together to protect each other from the environment and self harm.

For three months this is all these guys do, bitch, cry and bond. During this time it’s only natural for these guys to…… experiment a little…..

Shit, I was here with four other guys for three months watching these birds. I was kinda in the same boat as they were.

I’m not saying we got all gay or anything but, Tommy, our helicopter pilot, sure did try enough times.

Eventually, all the female penguins come crying back, fatter and with a lot more fur. Some of the guys listen to their sob stories and take them back. Others not so much.

The ones that don’t take them back found, we think, that they were happiest with whichever guy they hooked up with.

They didn’t know they were gay, but now they sure as hell are more comfy because of it. It happened to Tommy, it sure does happen to penguins.

Many in the scientific community are disputing Mr. Herrington’s findings, saying that he’s an idiot

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

Posted on by Talker99

The Chickasaw Tribe, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for much of the imagery and lore about Native Americans.

They are also the creators of the Indian Burn,(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually even are.

It all began last month after Ancestry.com chose the tribe for their “Your History, Guaranteed” promotional campaign, which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years when it came to anyone’s history.

To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe. Since most tribes didn’t keep records it would certainly be an impressive feat if they succeeded.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made.

Not only was the challenge a success but Ancestry.com was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began.

The Chickasaws had always believed their origin area to have been somewhere in Southern Oklahoma…..They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land. It borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these villages named Chickasaw, would ” eventually have it’s villagers leave their land in hope of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”.

At least that’s what Ancestry.com found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding.

Read more in the newest edition of USA Todays article, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians.

Dying man vows to come back from his grave for vengeance. Family still waiting

Posted on by Talker99

For Jacob Little, being killed in a bar fight was not what he had planned to do last Saturday night.

Plans change though.

According to the police report, Jacob had gone to the Coach Bar in East Philadelphia to celebrate his second cousins third marriage to his sisters God-mother.

Friends and family say that in reality, the marriage was just an excuse for Jacob to go out

“The second we walked into tha Coach, Jacob sees his ex Michelle.” Frank Lippson, Jacobs best friend, told us by phone last Sunday, “Ands we all knows that Jacob didn’t need to be anywhere nears Michelle.

They had broken up not even thirty six hours before when Michelle told him she had tha crotch warts (genital) and it was probably best if she let him know.

But tha fuckin thing is, see, they had already been going at it for three months. One time even dirty dancin on my moms dining room table. I tell ya what, I never have looked at that table the same, even more so since learnin of her vag pox.

I mean, my god damned grammy eats at that table. So yeah, Michelles a bitch.

Well, Jacob says it’s all cool and that he ain’t gonna start no shit, he just wants to celebrate the beauty of the marriage. Ten minutes later, fuckin Michelle has edged her way next to our table with her date, some Filipino dude……

Where she found a Filipino living in our neighborhood I swear, I’ll never know, but she did and they were both makin all loud an warty not two feet from us.

Finally, Jackie boy had had enough and said that he wanted to get the fuck out of there before he did something that he’d regret. Well the Filipino from East Philly overhears Jacob and takes it as a threat.

He was drunk already on account that he was a little guy who couldn’t handle his liqueur. Well, he gets all up in Jacobs face, yelling about how Jacob better watch his mouth or he might find himself all cut up.

None of us took the threat seriously because a knife threat in Philly is a dime a dozen. One time my mother told me I better straightin up in church or she’d cut me, I think I was like eight years old or somethin.

Anyways, Jacob laughs it off and pushes the Filipino dude out of the way using just a finger. That seriously pissed off the little guy and he goes all ninja on us.

He starts wailing around saying he knows shit and how to hurt us real bad. We all laughed and start walking when the little fucker pulls out a fucking knife the size of his fuckin leg and just tears into Jacob.

There was blood everywhere and we were all just stunned like we were seeing a circus trick. I think I snapped first and pulled the guy off but by then it was to late, Jackie boy was dying……

Lemme tell ya man, he was pissed about it.

Somehow, while we were all lookin after my bro, the little ninja bolted away from us and flew out the door. That little fucks still gone, no idea where he’s hiding…..

Well when Jacob found that out, it just pissed him off even more. As he laid there dying with his last breath he screamed out, “as God is my witness, I am going to come back from the dead and kill that little fucker! Even if it takes me all night, I will figure out how to do it! I’ll rise up, get a clean shirt and pants and then spend the rest of the day lookin for that bastard”.

I tell you what, I don’t think there was a person in that bar that didn’t believe he might just do it, he was that pissed.”

As of this posting, Jacobs funeral is set for Wednesday at the Grey Lagoon Cemetery. Services begin at 10 a.m

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Posted on by Talker99

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

Posted on by Talker99

Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

Posted on by Talker99

A young girls tea party ended in violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously mauled the girl and her mother as they sat and talked.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia Richards(age 8) and her mother had just finished some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she did this she asked Grumpy Bear(who was sitting in the clothes hamper) if he would like to join the festivities.

Suddenly and without warning, Grumpy Bear jumped up from the hamper and attacked.

Alicia and her mother were both rushed to St. Jude’s where they are both in critical condition.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children.

Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he isn’t surprised by the bears actions, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing. No matter how adorable they are or magical they seem. Plus, this was Grumpy…. Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? His name says it all if you ask me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

World Population Update

Posted on by Talker99

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 9 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

Posted on by Talker99

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.