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Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the website) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.

Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you’ve known ever been the victim of an Otter crime?

For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork filed by police.

Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t believe an Otter lives anywhere around them.

Don’t Otters need to live around water?

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

What kind of crimes is an Otter capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and many more we didn’t mention.

But we will mention now: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce….all crimes perpetrated by an Otter.

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Talker99 looks back: Is it time for those decorations to come out of the closet?

Posted on July 12 by Talker99

Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween…Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(if you’re not into him then the C can stand for “Christmas Story”,they play it for 24 hours on TBS, they know funny).

Its also a time for flashy decorations and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members.

It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? Talker99 is here to help.

While I may not “hang my stockings with care” or do the “monster mash” like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, I at least know a good “Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip” when I see one. So I put together this handy reference guide simply because I care.

Are you noticing how chilly it’s getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call “Ol Man Winter” (or “Jack Frost” to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it’s starting to feel like Winter. Brrrrr, better get those clothes out because it’s cold out!

So what’s the point? I’ll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don’t care if you’re Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good.

The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it’s time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly.

Next, what month is it? Here’s a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say?

There you go.

Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call “repressed memories” or, in layman terms, nostalgia.

It’s a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up then chances are it’s time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your “electric reindeer”(it’s an 80’s dance and a penis reference).

Happy Holidays.

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on July 9 by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo

Posted on July 3 by Talker99

The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity, died yesterday at the age of 43. Sadly, he was the last of his species as well.

The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties. It was soon realized that any hope to save the species was impossible after the total number recorded came to just 18 known adults living in the wild.

Conservationists rushed to support but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was then placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh.

When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter. After much hype and publicity, it finally opened in the spring of 96.

Upon arriving, Lion-O lazily looked out of his carrier and onto his new home, he then turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep.

Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction.

Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal.

Thundercats. Ho!

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

Posted on June 30 by Talker99

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Posted on June 28 by Talker99

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Posted on June 28 by Talker99

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

Posted on June 27 by Talker99

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

Egypt arrested

Posted on June 27 by Talker99

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

Posted on June 27 by Talker99

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his running mate, Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination. Thankfully though, his plan has never been realized.

Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country, well, everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn, told us by phone, “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results.

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

Local man swears his girlfriend is not a Bitch

Posted on June 23 by Talker99

Regardless of how Megan Reed may act, Ryan Barber, her boyfriend of four months, swears up and down that, “she really isn’t a bitch”.

Friends of Ryan would disagree though.

The conflict started after Ryan was set up on a date with Megan by a co-worker. Immediately the two hit it off and started seeing each other exclusively, much to the despair of everyone else in Ryans life.

We talked to Bryan Barber, Ryan’s brother, who told us just how much a bitch Megan really is, “she’s pretty much a Mega-bitch.”

Devon Montgomery, Ryan’s best friend of six years, had this to say, “You know when people talk about someone being bitchy and that they are walking around acting like their shit don’t stink? Well, and this is really creepy, her shit literally does not stink. I mean, I know it’s weird but her shit smells more like vanilla.

If that doesn’t tell you something then I don’t know what will.”

Megan could not be reached for comment.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

Posted on June 22 by Talker99

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

New post on womans blog

Posted on June 11 by Talker99

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress.com, came back today in full force after a week long vacation with her husband and two kids.

So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Posted on June 9 by Talker99

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store.

At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the men’s fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen-year-old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra-large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come out of hiding because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the food court but ultimately stuck around due to the amazing savings taking place at the Macy’s one day sale.

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Posted on September 25, 2022 by Talker99

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.

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