Talker99

Kerri Potts, age thirteen, contemplates her next move. Usually on a day like today, Kerri would avoid the cafeteria at her school in Rockport, New Hampshire and just walk straight to class, the problem she finds herself in though……

is that she really wants a bananna.

She sits silently for a moment, looks towards me and then the door….. Suddenly she springs forward, does a front handspring through the cafeteria doors, twists to the right, shakes her hips, backwards somersault, cartwheel, cartwheel again, ariel walkover(quite impressive), split leap, back handstand, flip and bow. She then grabs a bananna, turns, cartwheel, roundoff, split leap, splits and bow to no one then runs out the door. It was amazing and frightening all at once.

Everyone in the cafeteria then went back to talking as if nothing happened. My look of shock caught the attention of two girls who asked me why I looked the way I did. After stating that I had never seen someone with Gymnastics in everyday life they giggled and said,”just wait, her lunchtime show was always better”.

Young Kerri is not alone in her inspiring grief. She is just one of many who are currently diagnosed with Gymnastics, a neurological muscle disease that affects 1 out of 50 Americans.

With just a small donation of mere pennies a day, you can be young Kerris savior. Every donation goes right towards the study and, hopefully, cure that can end this debilitating muscle toning disease.

Wont it feel good to know that you were a part of the cure.

Kerri is counting on you….

North Koreans to unveil Death Ray

North Korea is planning to unveil it’s “hush hush, super top secret Proton Death Ray by mid-March, maybe mid-June” of next year, Kim Jong-un (The Jongster as he’s known in most circles) said by phone Tuesday night.

“We are planning to give those Iranians and their Super Sonic Mind Control Force Field a definite run for their money. And look out Russia, with your Weather Doppler Windy Shonisticia, you ain’t got nothing on us. Soon we will rule the world because we now have Death Ray.”

I then asked who was speaking and he said Kimmy Jong from North Korea. I told him I thought he might have dialed the wrong number. He then asked if he had called 512-456-9372? I replied “no, this was 9732.”

There was a brief silence, some heavy breathing, a muffled “shit” and then he hung up the phone.

Fraggle infestation reaches new heights

With the recent claim of Fraggle infestations being found in Baltimore, Tampa and Houston, health officials are warning people to be aware of their surroundings so they don’t become a bigger problem than they already are.

recent image from a home infested with Fraggles. The homeowner walked in and snapped this late at night after she heard a noise coming from the kitchen.

“Fraggles may look cute but they can get out of hand real fast. Before you know it you’ve got a whole gaggle of Fraggles living with you and that’s when the problems arise.” says Irrkin pest control officer Nick Hammond who talked with us by phone.

“See, Fraggles aren’t necessarily the problem. Sometimes they can be territorial but I’ve never heard of one harming anyone.

No, the problem lies in the fact that where there are Fraggles there are Doozers as well. That’s when you got issues. A Fraggle is easily exterminated but a Doozer….thats’ a whole ‘nother issue.”

Doozers doing what they do, building a potential deathtrap.

As was the case of Amelia Ranhurst of Baltimore. She was found dead last week after becoming trapped under Doozer construction that had been built while she slept. The sugary, crystallized structure they built around her filled the whole bedroom. It took rescue workers three hours to work through it and get to the body.

“Just make sure you check your clothing before you go home.” Nick added, “Fraggles are known to cling to jackets and pant legs. Just double check and you should be fine. If you travel for the holidays, remember to check all suit cases and baggage before returning, especially if you travel abroad. The bottom line is to just be aware and you should be fine.”

Reviewable

For a limited time only you can become the person you were born to be….

Hey there, let me ask you a question…. How often do you find yourself on the world wide web? Daily? Hourly?

Now, with a show of hands how many of you find yourself reading sites just like this one while online?

Wow, that’s a lot of hands….

Last question…. During all that time and after viewing all those sites, how many would rate those sites worthy of a return visit?

By the expressions on your faces I would say not very many(laughter).

What if I told you that you could have saved hours, days or even weeks of your time? If only there was a system in place to warn you about those awful sites….

What would that be worth to you?

That’s right, a lot…..

(leans in close, gets real quiet) What if I told you that YOU can be that person….YOU can be that hero that I know is lurking inside you!

If you like judging people…. If you live to criticize….. If YOU have shit to say….

Then please make Talker99 your place to say it…..

Your feedback on the current state of Talker99 is greatly appreciated.

What works? What doesn’t? What would you like to see in the future?

Knowledge is half the battle…..

My first review i ever gave was on Talker99. Shortly after writing it I was cast as the lead in High School Musical for the Disney channel. That one review changed my life. Thanks Talker99.

Zac Efron, Vanity Fair, 2015

Posh spice holding a picture of Talker99

Talker99 Breaking News: Outbreak of Saturday Night Fever in midwest, death toll rising

At least 17 people in Chicago, IL have been stricken with the deadly Saturday Night Fever virus and more are expected before the night is through.

The C. D. C. Is asking that if you have symptoms related to the virus that you seek medical attention as a precaution.

James Slovack of the C. D. C had this to say, “We are trying to stop this before it gets worse, so if you are even showimg moderate symptoms, please seek medical help. This is a fast moving virus that kills, on average, 60 percent of those that contract it, with the other 40 percent unable to gain proper use of their motor skills. We need to stop this before it gets worse. ”

The virus, first discovered in the late 1970s after a midnight screening of the film its named after, seemed to destroy all it came in contact with.

The Ohio town where the first outbreak occured lost 38 percent of its population within a weeks time. The ones who survived were never the same, leaving many placed in 24 hour total care facilities.

The virus, spreads visually and quickly takes over the part of the brain that controls muscle movement. Within 2 hours of catching it the legs begin to move in a rhythmic sway. Within four hours, the hips and arms swing, lifting in unison to the legs. After 3 days of constant perpetual motion the body just collapses in exhaustion and the patient dies.

The virus is closely related to the Jungle Fever virus that broke out in the late 80s. Scientists had thought they had eradicated jungle fever until two teenagers caught the film that it had stemmed from late one night on TBS.

Luckily only four people came up sick but the C. D. C warns it could happen again.

More as it develops.

Recent study shows kids today have it way better than kids fifty years ago

A recent study from M.I.T. shows that children today have fewer restrictions, far less chores and way cooler toys than children 50 years ago.

These factors and many more like them have made scientists conclude that they have it way better than kids their age fifty years ago.

Mike Stizer, one of the scientists that was involved in the study had this to say, “Kids today have it so much easier than when I was a kid. I was born an raised in the sixties, I had chores, a bedtime, schoolwork piled a mile high and manners for the adults around me. Kids today have none of these. They have Playstations, freedom to run the streets due to busy, workaholic or drug addicted parents, school teachers that fear them or the system they work for due to political correctness and they have absolutely no manners whatsoever. This one kid we talked to thought manners was a guy that played for the Braves, so besides the fact that they have it better, they are also idiots.”

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn’t have texts

Ted, another scientist involved with the study and who only goes by the name of Ted, had this to say, “Kids today have the coolest shit. Kids fifty years ago had shit.”
Read the full report in the newest issue of Forbes magazine

North Carolina resident says it`s just another Manic Monday

Charlie Wallace, a Liberty Tax accountant in Fort Bliss, North Carolina, told reporters today that, “it’s just another manic Monday.”

He then added that he, “wished it was Sunday because that’s (his) fun day, (his) doesn’t have to run day.”

Following the announcement, Mr Wallace quietly went back to work at his desk.

More as it develops.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Dying man vows to come back from his grave for vengeance. Family still waiting

For Jacob Little, being killed in a bar fight was not what he had planned to do last Saturday night.

Plans change though.

According to the police report, Jacob had gone to the Coach Bar in East Philadelphia to celebrate his second cousins third marriage to his sisters God-mother.

Friends and family say that in reality, the marriage was just an excuse for Jacob to go out

“The second we walked into tha Coach, Jacob sees his ex Michelle.” Frank Lippson, Jacobs best friend, told us by phone last Sunday, “Ands we all knows that Jacob didn’t need to be anywhere nears Michelle.

They had broken up not even thirty six hours before when Michelle told him she had tha crotch warts (genital) and it was probably best if she let him know.

But tha fuckin thing is, see, they had already been going at it for three months. One time even dirty dancin on my moms dining room table. I tell ya what, I never have looked at that table the same, even more so since learnin of her vag pox.

I mean, my god damned grammy eats at that table. So yeah, Michelles a bitch.

Well, Jacob says it’s all cool and that he ain’t gonna start no shit, he just wants to celebrate the beauty of the marriage. Ten minutes later, fuckin Michelle has edged her way next to our table with her date, some Filipino dude……

Where she found a Filipino living in our neighborhood I swear, I’ll never know, but she did and they were both makin all loud an warty not two feet from us.

Finally, Jackie boy had had enough and said that he wanted to get the fuck out of there before he did something that he’d regret. Well the Filipino from East Philly overhears Jacob and takes it as a threat.

He was drunk already on account that he was a little guy who couldn’t handle his liqueur. Well, he gets all up in Jacobs face, yelling about how Jacob better watch his mouth or he might find himself all cut up.

None of us took the threat seriously because a knife threat in Philly is a dime a dozen. One time my mother told me I better straightin up in church or she’d cut me, I think I was like eight years old or somethin.

Anyways, Jacob laughs it off and pushes the Filipino dude out of the way using just a finger. That seriously pissed off the little guy and he goes all ninja on us.

He starts wailing around saying he knows shit and how to hurt us real bad. We all laughed and start walking when the little fucker pulls out a fucking knife the size of his fuckin leg and just tears into Jacob.

There was blood everywhere and we were all just stunned like we were seeing a circus trick. I think I snapped first and pulled the guy off but by then it was to late, Jackie boy was dying……

Lemme tell ya man, he was pissed about it.

Somehow, while we were all lookin after my bro, the little ninja bolted away from us and flew out the door. That little fucks still gone, no idea where he’s hiding…..

Well when Jacob found that out, it just pissed him off even more. As he laid there dying with his last breath he screamed out, “as God is my witness, I am going to come back from the dead and kill that little fucker! Even if it takes me all night, I will figure out how to do it! I’ll rise up, get a clean shirt and pants and then spend the rest of the day lookin for that bastard”.

I tell you what, I don’t think there was a person in that bar that didn’t believe he might just do it, he was that pissed.”

As of this posting, Jacobs funeral is set for Wednesday at the Grey Lagoon Cemetery. Services begin at 10 a.m

Shocking allegations detailing years of abuse involving the Pound Puppies

Posted on June 29 by Talker99

The owners of Violet Vanderfeller(a Greyhound/Shar Pei mix) have come forth today with allegations of abuse and mistreatment involving the City Pound workers and the animals they were responsible for.

“Our poor Violet was beaten so badly that when we finally got her back she could barely walk.” said Susan Hoffendorfer, Violets owner and friend, who talked to us by phone.”It was a horrible, horrible experience for our dog and I hope that they all go to jail for a very long time.”

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

To add insult to injury, a police report has surfaced from two years ago that shows this isn’t the first time the pound has come under fire.

According to the report, police were called by a woman claiming she had found three dogs that were living at the pound and they were roaming the streets of her neighborhood.

All were badly malnourished and beaten. The report goes on to say that the pound puppies were named Cooler(Beagle/Bloodhound mix), Nose Marie(Boxer/Bloodhound) and Howler(Pug/Jack Russel) and seemed to have been looking for something in the neighborhood, though it’s not clear what it was.

The current owners of the pound could not be reached for comment.

More as it develops.

Costly Project Gadget shut down due to loss of funding

Posted on June 29 by Talker99

The long running and costly Gadget Project has finally been shut down after an in depth review of the cities finances.

The newly elected mayor did as promised on his campaign and took a metaphoric ax to his first day, cutting the massive overspending that plagued our city

First to the block was Inspector Gadget.

The forty million dollar project was created ten years ago as this cities answer to Detroit’s successful Robocop campaign.

After many false starts and millions in spending, the Gadget Project finally unveiled its creation, Inspector Gadget.

The Inspector, like Robocop before him, was a half man, half robot multi tool that never seemed to function as promised. Most days he would just be seen hovering over the city with his helicopter blade gadget in constant motion.

Over the course of his time in the police force he had just one arrest, but even that was dismissed due to lack of evidence.

The most vocal about wanting the Gadget Project shut down was Dr. Claw of the M. A. D. Organization, whom the Inspector had tormented since its start.

You may remember when Dr. Claw successfully sued the city for millions in damages after the Inspector blew up one of his labs.

Dr. Claw gave a statement following todays announcement of the shut down, here is a brief snippet of what was said.

“For years the Gadget Project has been an embarrassment to this great city. Untold amounts in damages, lawsuits and far to much pain and suffering caused by this mechanical monstrosity. Let us now move past this blight and grow stronger for our future and our community. Thank you”

Promotional art for the unveiling of the Gadget Project

More as it develops.

Recent survey shows public disagreement

A recent survey conducted by CNN found that twelve out of thirty people completely agreed while eight out of thirty were in complete disagreement.

These numbers are slightly up from last year which saw only ten in agreement.

Down from the previous year were the six out of thirty who were unsure compared to the staggering fourteen out of thirty from 2018.

Experts who were involved in the survey told us that the amount of unsure people from the prior year was due to the lack of public awareness to the survey.

According to the findings, most in the general public had at least some knowledge or education leading up to the survey and this was reflected in the results.

Unexplained though were the reasons behind the three out of thirty who did not care and the one out of thirty who just wrote the word “boobs” on every answer line in the survey.

More as it updates.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Special Words from the I.R.S.

This was scheduled for a month ago but never posted. Conspiracy? Yes, we think so……

The following is a Public Service announcement from your friends at Talker99. This announcement to the general public is in no way affiliated with Talker99 and is brought to you only as a service as per our requirements to the WCC for licensing as stated in its rules and regulations, article 6b. For a complete list of the World Wide Webs rules and regulations for community standards, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 3786 W Houston st., New York, New York 17310.

Its tax time again and we would like to remind you that families with four or more children will always have the option of not paying. The I.R.S. recognizes your sacrifice to sanity and peace of mind, though we will also let you know that you will not be entitled to a refund either.

For those of you with more than four children, we would like to remind you that four is the maximum amount you are allowed to claim.

If you have more than four, may we suggest that you rent out the other kids to families in need of a bigger refund.

We are not saying that they keep your kids, just that they file them as dependents on their tax return. By doing this you are not only earning a little extra income for your family but you will get the peace of mind that can only come from helping out those in need, and, it’s a nice little tax right off at the same time next year.

So please, lend a kid at Tax time.

Brought to you by your friends at the Internal Revenue Service.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

A young girls tea party ended in violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously mauled the girl and her mother as they sat and talked.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia Richards(age 8) and her mother had just finished some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she did this she asked Grumpy Bear(who was sitting in the clothes hamper) if he would like to join the festivities.

Suddenly and without warning, Grumpy Bear jumped up from the hamper and attacked.

Alicia and her mother were both rushed to St. Jude’s where they are both in critical condition.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children.

Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he isn’t surprised by the bears actions, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing. No matter how adorable they are or magical they seem. Plus, this was Grumpy…. Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? His name says it all if you ask me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

World Population Update

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 9 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election