Talker99

David Timly, from Fredrick, Ohio, started his first WordPress blog today with hopes of big readership brought in by his witty commentary.

Sadly, no one cared.

“I just don’t know why they aren’t reading my stuff.” David told us by phone, “I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a good writer, it’s not professional or anything but…..my wife says it’s good.”

The rest of the Internet disagrees and the stats showcase this fact, much to Davids dismay.

His blog, which is filled with pictures of his family, some random poetry he wrote while in college and some off-putting commentary about his local grocery store (complete with bad Indian puns and a semi amusing anecdote on his hatred of chex mix), is not the literary masterpiece he believes it to be.

Only time will tell if Davids blog succeeds, but if it does, I probably won’t tell you about it.

Makers of Tylenol hold press conference to “clear the air”

The makers of the number one headache remedy on the market, Tylenol, held a press conference today so they might “clear the air” about how helpful their headache pill actually is for the millions of people who buy it on a regular basis.

“Not helpful at all,” according to the spokesman for the company, adding, “We would even go so far as to say that it may actually be responsible for tension headaches these last few years, especially for residents of Maryland, though there have been no conclusive tests done to actually prove this, but it probably has.”

When pressed to explain how Tylenol works and what its active ingredients were the spokesman had this to say,

“Chalk, lots of chalk. Also, if I’m not mistaken, tree bark, beaver secretions, the number 9, ten percent Ibuprofen and Crayola Crayon Signiture White Edition…..oh, and science.

He did add one positive note to Tylenol and its makers, telling reporters how proud he was to be making prescription strength Tylenol 3, “It really is the shit, isn’t it? Those people who thought it up are gods among men in my opinion. You got pain? Take a T3. You got arthritis? Take a mutha fuckin T3! You got a party to get to? Pop a T-to-tha-3 and feel as good as you can be.”

He then spun around, did the splits and ran out the room.

More as it updates.

After years of searching, local man finds God

For Mike Ferrel, his personal search for God has been a journey filled with many emotional ups and downs.

For years he has been on a spiritual mission to become closer to the lord in both mind and body. He has searched throughout thousands of churches, synagogues and christian based summer camps but never found the connection he was looking for.

Yesterday Mike Ferrel finally found his Lord and Savior……he lives at 1354 Beechnut Avenue in Orlando, Florida, apartment 1264.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Mike told us by phone, “I’m a little let down. I mean, for like, twenty some odd years I’ve been looking for God and this is where I find him? In some shit apartments in fucking Orlando?! Jesus Christ man! He works at Disney World for Christs sake!”

God, who could not be reached for comment, is in fact working at Disney World. He runs the Its a small world ride where his official title is Head Technician and creator of the known universe.

We talked to his supervisor, Park manager Tammie Darson, who had this to say, “Oh yes, God is a wonderful worker, always on time and very clean in appearance. The only complaint we have ever had on him is that he does seem to think he’s always right about how the ride animations should look because he’s the “Creator”….(Sighs) but otherwise he’s a wonderful person. I do wish he would shave that beard though.”

More as it develops

Talker99 Looks Ahead: Halloween

Due to the overwhelming viewer response to the Talker99 Looks Back series, we at Talker99 thought that it might be enjoyable for you(the reader) to read one of the companion pieces to Looks Back, imaginatively titled: LooksAhead. We would like to remind you that the Looks Ahead series that you(the reader) are about to read is still in beta testing. What this means is that it is an untested and unfinished product and Talker99 is not responsible nor liable for anything that may come from its use. Proceed with care and caution. Thank you.

October 31st has long been more than just another day, it has also been Halloween.

All Hallows Eve

Witches night

The End of October

Fat Tuesday

These are just some of the many names the dark night has been called(also known as Batman). Why is it so important and why should you care?

What kind of retched history can this so called “Halloween” have and, more importantly, why does it involve candy?

Well kiddies, sit back and I shall tell you the horrifying history of Halloween(actually, I’m not going to tell you a whole history, more like some random facts. They will be about Halloween though, not necessarily horrifying but Halloween none-the-less)

Halloween was started in the year 1972(the year of the Lord)

Candy, which has long been an instrument of the Devil(on account of it being so tasty) was chosen to represent Halloween over the Devils other instrument, the Flute.

The idea to actually give children the candy was decided after finding that no one knew what to do with all the candy they had brought.

George Clooney is on record as being the first trick- or- treater(he dressed as a ghost).

The first recorded Bob for Apples game was at George and Marcy’s 1983 Key Party(invitation only) in Tampa Bay, Florida. The term Bob for Apples took on a decidedly different meaning there, and it was during the month of August.

Brad Pitts birthday falls on Halloween(though he changed it once he became a star).

The song the Monster Mash was in fact a graveyard smash.

Other notable celebs with Halloween births are: Mary Kate Olsen, Tiger Woods, Frank Stallone, The Devil, Will Ferrell, Richard Simmons, Balthazar Getty, Adult film legend Tera Patrick, Marky Mark, the cast of Greys Anatomy, Bill Clinton, the voice of the Kool aid man, Ted Danson and the dog from Beethoven.

Happy Halloween.

Trix Rabbit arrested

The Trix cereal rabbit was arrested after an investigation into reports that the rabbit had been performing sexual acts with minors for bowls of cereal proved true.

The rabbit, who released a statement following the arrest, had this to say,

“I’m just glad that it’s all out in the open. Did you people not ever pay attention? The kids were saying, Tricks are for Kids!

I have a problem, I can admit this. I will seek help following my judgment. Thank you”

No word yet from the Trix cereal makers.

Scientists say a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within a week

Posted on July 13 by Talker99

Scientists announced today that a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within three or four days, dramatically changing the surface of its terrain.

The comet, nicknamed Ol’ Glory by the Warcraft Astronomer who found it(BizKilla345), will probably strike somewhere in the Broken Isles area, causing massive tsunamis and Worldcraft wide devastation.

As news of the impending doom spread around the online world, violence quickly erupted, causing at least twenty thousand confirmed fake deaths in the unreal communities of the false world.

Looting, riots and annoying lags of internet connections are just a few of the problems that the families of the World of Warcraft have been going through since hearing of the mile wide comet. Underneath it all there have been stories of compassion as well.

We heard from SmiteUall33, who told us of a man who has given away all of his Warcraft possessions to those affected by the violence. Sadly though, his kindness was taken advantage of by some rouge Ironforge Dwarves who killed him while he prayed with a Blood Elf.

No plans have been made yet for evacuation though many are hoping that the World of Warcraft players will soon realize that it is only a game and get back to their real, everyday lives.

Talker99 Classic Retro Rewind : Next attack coming soon

Posted on July 13 by Talker99

Today on classic retro rewind we are taking you waaaayyy back to when the people were panicked, the conspiracies were in abundance and the world seemed flipped upside down…. We are talking of course about the year 2001, directly after 9/11. The article you are about to read is one published three months after that horrible day. If I’m not mistaken this is my third post I ever published. We admit that its dated for sure and the thoughts and beliefs may be a little insensitive but its still kinda funny… Sign of the times is all we can say.

All of Washington D.C. is abuzz with news that Al qaeda, the Islamic terrorist sect, is planning something big for their next attack, but how big? Talker99 sat down with Al queda member Zemar Dunis, who runs the East New Jersey Islamic Cherry Hill Gang, a non-profit cure for cancer group in Blight, New Jersey and he filled us in on whats in store.

“What the word on the Muslim street is saying is that the next bombing will be tha bomb!

Oh yes, my fellow qaeda guys are most definitely going to attack……Attack your senses, so your mind will be blown!

First, there will be a huge parade through the streets, where the many Muslim men will preach about Allah and his wisdom. Following behind the men will be their women, dressed in their best veils and looking all the more sexy as they walk through the streets covered head to toe with their heads ducked low and their mouths shut.

After the parade there will be punch and pie in the “Infidel Tent”, a kind of, meet a Muslim type setting, where the men will teach and praise Allah and his wisdom. For that the women will be at home where they belong.

Then the fun begins as two of Al qaedas best magicians come to teach of the dangers and evil that black magic will bring you as their show starts with basic parlor tricks but then turns into a den of evil, which consequently turns into a beheading of one of the Magicians.

Do not worry though, it is a fun time for the kiddies. Also, be sure to go if not to see the Black Magic fools lovely assistants, you’ll feel the heat as they help whenever called for and then stand in their corners with their mouths shut and their heads down low.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already reserved a seat for when it happens.”

More as it updates.

Feral Cow

Posted on July 13 by Talker99

Deep in the foothills of Texas there lives a creature that, since being discovered only thirty two years ago, has been photographed just four times in it’s natural environment.

It is so stealth-like in it’s habits that scientists still have no clue as to where it goes every year during the months of November through January, speculating that its strange disappearance could either be a “mating season rite or a winter hibernation like move”.

I am talking of course about the North American Forest Bovine, or what some like to call, the Feral Cow.

The Feral Cow had long been considered a superstitious rumor that was thought up by the hill people of North Travis county, Texas but it’s discovery by Dr. Reginald Christian thirty two years ago, (who found a lost calf wondering alone in the woods), is still considered one of the greatest large animal findings in recorded history.

At the time, it was believed that all of North America had been discovered and the thought of a large cow(sometimes reaching a weight of 1500 lbs and a height of 6ft hoof to head) living, sometimes within a mile of a major metropolitan city, was unimaginable.

“What we have here is proof of the impossible.” Fred Joplin of the San Diego Zoo, where he is the current head of the reptile house(we could not reach anyone else) told us by phone, “What this finding did is give hope and precedence to all those that searched for things like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. It gave them reason to keep looking because, just like Bigfoot, the Feral Cow was just a local legend for that area, something scary parents told their kids to keep them indoors at night. Once it was proven that it existed, that there actually was a giant cow out there in the hills….well, why not Bigfoot as well?”

The Feral Cow itself is not that much different from the normal dairy cow that you and I know, save for two distinct differences.

While a dairy cow has short, fine hair spread around its body, the Feral has long hair that resembles a Mountain Yak in fluff and color. And while the farm cow is really not that intelligent in it’s day to day reasoning skills, The Feral is an extremely intelligent creature, able to calculate situations it encounters with complex reasoning and in some well documented cases, a grasp of basic mathematics.

Also, another difference in the two is the Feral Cow is a carnivore, eating only meat, and has evolved over time into a formidable killing machine.

Over the years many people have disappeared while hiking in the woods of west Texas, many of these disappearances can be linked to the Feral Cow.

“Don’t let that dumb cow look fool you, they’ll tear you limb from limb and feast on your blood.” So says John Kilmer, a Lake Jackson, Texas resident who lost his wife and child to a rouge Feral Cow that terrorized the town for more than a decade. “People go out camping and think to themselves it won’t happen to them, no one ever sees the Cows, so they should be okay. Well I’m hear to tell you, it happens, the Cows happen. You come across one, you run like hell. They may look sweet and cuddly, they want you to think this, lull you in some, make you all comfortable….then Bam! The cow pounces, those cute eyes turn blood red and the last thing you hear is that horrible, horrible Moo…… the most evil moo there ever was.”

More is hoped to be learned about the cow in the coming months when an expedition is launched that hopes to study the Animal in it’s natural environment. This being the third research study in as many years, the first two disappearing, both within a week of their launch, and have yet to be heard from .

More as it develops.

Caillou placed in foster care after police arrest parents for child abuse

Posted on July 12 by Talker99

Caillou coming from court

Shocking allegations of child abuse and fraud have surfaced today during the pretrial for the couple known only as Mother and Father, who for years claimed that their four year old son Caillou was sick and special needs.

The couple was arrested at their home on Pine Street last April on suspicion of child endangerment but once the police started digging they found a rabbit hole that went deeper than they could have ever imagined.

Caillou was the subject of a popular reality show that showcased his perseverance and sunny outlook in his day to day activities despite his severe learning capabilities and his ongoing battle with cancer.

Or so the public was lead to believe.

According to court records the parents completely fabricated every aspect of Caillou’s life. They then used his pain to their advantage. Vacations, multi night sex parties and drug fueled weekends that would find Caillou at home alone to fend for himself.

Dr. Rob Garath, a psychologist (the only one to return our calls) had this to say, “at first glance it looks like a basic case of Munchausen syndrome but on further investigation I’m not so sure. I believe this was done solely for monetary purposes on the parents part. Its pretty fucked up”.

Caillou has been quiet on the whole ordeal since the arrest. His grandparents are trying to gain custody of the boy and his grandmother is still his soccer coach every Tuesday evening. They are to make a statement in court next week.

More as it updates.

Talker99 Editorial

Posted on July 12 by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking).

The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone.

They in no way represent the thoughts and feelings of the writers at Talker99(namely me, Talker99).

After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed. This is completely normal and should not be looked upon as anything other than what it actually is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.

That was a poorly written post a few days ago.

I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it without editing it.

My thoughts on stories about midgets have always been the same, that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t) short and sexy.

What I mean is, that they should be whimsical and full of magic…… anything else and they just become a dwarf.

Yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it.

Here’s the thing…. that is way to much work.

It is so much easier to create than to decreate(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing, swang, swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey? I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize.

It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.

Wait…what?

Talker99 looks back: Is it time for those decorations to come out of the closet?

Posted on July 12 by Talker99

Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween…Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(if you’re not into him then the C can stand for “Christmas Story”,they play it for 24 hours on TBS, they know funny).

Its also a time for flashy decorations and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members.

It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? Talker99 is here to help.

While I may not “hang my stockings with care” or do the “monster mash” like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, I at least know a good “Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip” when I see one. So I put together this handy reference guide simply because I care.

Are you noticing how chilly it’s getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call “Ol Man Winter” (or “Jack Frost” to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it’s starting to feel like Winter. Brrrrr, better get those clothes out because it’s cold out!

So what’s the point? I’ll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don’t care if you’re Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good.

The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it’s time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly.

Next, what month is it? Here’s a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say?

There you go.

Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call “repressed memories” or, in layman terms, nostalgia.

It’s a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up then chances are it’s time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your “electric reindeer”(it’s an 80’s dance and a penis reference).

Happy Holidays.

The amazing story of life on the trail of Bigfoot

Posted on July 11 by Talker99

For years cryptozoologist Mark Jacobs has been on the trail of Bigfoot.

Mark has been everywhere, from the Ozark Mountains to the Appalachian Trail, (even to a Macy’s One day sale) and all of it in the name of science.

Despite the questionable facts surrounding Bigfoot, Mark has always been a staunch believer. In his new book, “Finding my Footing”, he talks about how his belief led him through some pretty rocky slopes in his life.

From his fathers alcoholism to the crumbling of his marriage, Bigfoot saw him through it all.

Below is a brief snippet of the book which is being released next month from Bantammy Books.

We had been tracking the creature for three days.

I felt, though I was probably alone in this feeling, that we had never been closer to finding Bigfoot than we were at that moment.

The signs were everywhere. From the strange feeling of being watched, to all of our coffee being stolen the day before(I still don’t know why Bigfoot loves coffee but he obviously does, 14 field expeditions, 13 times our coffee gets stolen. The only time I bring tea, he stole all my clothes and left the tea.).

We were going to see him this time, I just knew it.

As we walked, every sound seemed to come alive and pop in my ear as if whatever was causing them was right there next to me. The sway of the trees in the wind….. the scurry of little forest animals……. the heavy, dull breathing of Carl(map expert), who had been struggling to keep pace since leaving that morning.

I hated that we always brought Carl. He always seemed to just slow things down and depress everyone. I’ve never seen someone so sweaty in all my life, but he makes a mean western omelet so we bring him.

Suddenly, Carl’s emergency phone started to vibrate. He answered and handed it to me. It was my mother calling to say that dad had passed in the night.

I was stunned.

I dropped the phone and cried right there. Amanda (tech expert), sensing that something wasn’t right, (I never cried on field expeditions) came over and lightly patted my back.

Robert(tracker), feeling awkward at seeing a grown man cry, yelled out that he heard something and ran away. It was the last we ever saw of him.

Kenshi(ninja) appeared from the shadows.

That night I sat around the campfire with my friends and we talked of my father. Each had their own story to tell, some funny, some sad.

As I sat and listened to them all I felt grateful to have such good friends at such a time in my life. All of us brought together under the one common goal of finding Bigfoot.

I know that Bigfoot felt bad for me too. In the morning after, upon leaving my tent I found a bundle of flowers. Badly clumped together and hastily arranged. They were placed at the foot of my tent so I would find them, and all of them had the same distinct smell of piss and shit and coffee that always goes hand in hand with Bigfoot.

When I picked them up I found a child’s birthday card that had obviously been out in the woods for quite some time. The words Happy Birthday had been scratched out from the front and inside something had tried to write something new, ” Soree fuur th luss”.

All I could do was hold the card and cry.

Finding my Footing is out next month at bookstores everywhere and will be available on Amazon.

Subscribers Remorse

Posted on July 10 by Talker99

sub·scrib·er

/səbˈskrībər/

noun

plural noun: subscribers

a person who receives a publication regularly by paying in advance.

Have you been the victim of a subscriber scam?

It’s a documented fact that at least 7 out of 10 people have fallen for the update by email scam that runs rampant throughout WordPress.

Have you given a like to a blog only to be bombarded week after week with endless “updates” from it’s creator that you have zero interest in reading?

We at Tàlker99 understand how difficult it can be navigating this thing called “the internet”, that’s why we created Blog lock with you in mind.

With Blog lock in place you’ll have all your subscriptions compiled into just one single subscription and never have to deal with the hassle of reading other websites.

Once you are fully subscribed to Tàlker99 all your News feeds, Work feeds and Porn will be sectioned off into one fully expandable website that gives you the freedom to enjoy the rest of your day(without the headache of endless web browsing).

Remember how you missed Grandma’s 75th birthday because you got stuck doing work stuff online? Had you had Tàlker99 you would have been there.

How bout the time you got stuck looking at step sibling porn and completely forgot to pick up your kids at school?

Wouldn’t have happened had you had Tàlker99(and your wife might still be with you).

Listen…..all I’m saying is you got to get it together bro. You’re a day away from losing your job and your kids blame you cuz of the divorce(they ain’t wrong). Get your shit together and subscribe to Tàlker99.

It’s better then living alone.

Tàlker99 vs. Dr Seuss part 2

Posted on July 10 by Talker99

At an abandoned old field

On the edge of town

Young Billy sat bored

With his face in a frown

Then he said to himself

In the grumpiest of words

“this town is so boring!”

“yes, this town is absurd!”

“there’s just nothing to do here!”

“no fun to be had!”

“I hate that I live here!”

“it just makes me so mad!”

All at once came a voice

From within the old field

Saying, “boy you just wait”

“till the fun gets revealed”

Then up from the grass

Came a man of short stock

He carried a cane

And jumped up on a rock

Then he said “young man!”

“just look at this place”

“all the fun to be had”

“in this glorious space!”

“I’m planning to open

And run a worlds fair.

With games and arcades

And nonstop fun everywhere

Right here you’ll buy tickets

Then enter into

The world’s first and only

Zoo that pets you

Here you’ll see all the creatures

That are brought from afar

Like the liontoad zimby

From the nation Japar

There will be Breasels, and Drexals

And fang toothed Buhstrakes

And the small shy Vantooth

Which can only eat cakes

Further into my fair

And you’ll see the first ride

The world’s tallest and fastest

Water spout slide

Ten thousand feet to the top

Quite the sight to behold

A marvel in making

Or so I’ve been told

Thirty minutes to walk up

Then a minute back down

Think of the joy

It’ll bring to this town

Over here in this part

Of this empty old field

Will be such a carousel

With secrets concealed

At first it goes slow

At a leisurely pace

Then faster it goes

You’ll feel your heart race

If rides aren’t your thing

There’s still plenty to do

Theres tons more to see

It’ll be up to you

The world’s greatest places

Will be at my fair

Each with their own tent

All made with great care

You’ll learn of great cultures

And rich histories

And of people and places

With lost mysteries

My world’s fair will be

The grandest of things

I can’t wait to see

All the joy that it brings

Then he said to the boy

Can you envision it there

So grand and majestic-

My amazing world’s fair

But Billy just turned

And started back home

No imagine to speak of

So he played on his phone

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on July 9 by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

The Lair of the Hairless Bear, We are all required

Posted on July 9 by Talker99

Detroit, Michigan

If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you may be going there…….

there can be only one reason: You are on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear.

At one point in each of our lives we are called by the Hairless Bear. We don’t know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and when it happens we will be judged.

If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father).

Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so do not worry.

When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted.

If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy. If it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days. If the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs.

Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and so it must be accepted.

If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi worms, it would be a smart decision to do as told.

A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada.

No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and so it must be accepted.

People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely).

No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted.

Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close.

Just remember he’s also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear.

Monkey writes masterpiece

Posted on July 9 by Talker99

You’ve heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece.

The book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life.

The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who, as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when poachers kidnap him.

The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, a rag tag group of activists attack the campground in hopes of freeing the animals held there . The freedom is shortlived though and the activists substitute one prison to the form of another, in the guise of an animal sanctuary.

Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to love and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime next month.

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Posted on July 8 by Talker99

Washington D.C.,

President Trump spoke this past Tuesday about how close we came to losing the Earth realm during the 2015 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters.

It’s a millennial old battle where the final outcome decides the losing realmes fate.

In order to successfully win though, the invading realm must win ten straight competitions so, usually, we have had nothing to worry about.

In 2015 we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and prized fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.

After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger.

Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, (which was to take place over three days in Outworld), got off to a rocky start when Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list.

While getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport she fell and broke her ankle.

A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when a blood test showed positive for both cocaine and steroids.

The future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened. In an event that will rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history….. Liu Kang beat them all.

He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for. Betting circles around the world placed him last and untested.

It was probably this status that helped him win.

The night of the final fight, (it’s been reported), Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome. He had started drinking heavily throughout the day and was seen passed out some two hours before the fight.

At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began….. three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious.

After taking a beating for the first two minutes and almost having the towel thrown in by his trainer, Liu stood up and showed the world his gravity defying signiture move, the flying bicycle kick.

As soon as he landed those rapid kicks to Goros chest it was all over. He then knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, shot three fireballs at him and ended with an amazing finishing move that caused Goros head to explode and arms rip completely off.

Our world, at least for now, was saved.

President Trump honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

Editorial

Posted on July 8 by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99. It in no way represents the thoughts or feelings of the staff at Talker99, just the editor….. which is the person writing the editorial…..

There’s been a lot of talk recently about scientific studies involving Dark Matter. The talks usually consist of people asking if it actually exists, how much of it is really out there and what, if anything, does it mean in regards to the creation of the known universe.

Considering I know very little about the known universe I decided to go furniture shopping.

And I must say, I really like that red couch.

Seriously, it’s a great couch. I’m not going to get it though, if I did I’d have to repaint and we all know how that will go(Talker99 tries to paint, issue 17, May 1999). I do though have a picture below for all you fans of fine furniture.

Talker99 removed the red couch photo due to copyright infringement(it was a fine photo though) Here now in its place, Puppies!

Help Wanted

Posted on July 6 by Talker99

Do you have a love for the outdoors and a desire to change the world into a better place?

Do you have compassion, patience and the ability to teach without lecturing?

And finally, do you want to show the value of nature and be a positive influence to it’s upkeep?

If you answered yes to any of these questions than you just may be the person were looking for at Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience.

Currently we are looking to fill our Camp Counselor positions for the summer months.

We offer competitive pay and great health benefits for the right candidates.

Sporting a new, 24 hour a day security and surveillance system that covers the entire perimeter of the campground, you can feel safe and secure throughout your stay with us.

The lake has been completely cleaned of all debris and has had all traces of the past events that took place around it removed.

If for any reason during your employment you must venture out of the camp ground, you can feel secure due to the armed guard that patrols the camp.

You’ll gain confidence after attending the self defence and survival seminar that is required of all new hires.

All in all, Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience is a great place to work and learn for all involved.

Your safety is what matters most.

We look forward to hearing from you.

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

Posted on July 6 by Talker99

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

Scientists agree that its Sunny

Posted on July 6 by Talker99

Birmingham, Al

At least five scientists in Birmingham have announced that it is indeed Sunny today.

This comes at a time when most of the scientists in the Birmingham community were at a loss as to why it wasn’t sunny, especially when it looked like it should be.

Matt Reeves, a scientist, talked to us by phone and told us what the mood was throughout his community, “Quite happy actually. I mean, the math was there and all signs showed that it was to be sunny…. but these last few days, well….they just left us with no sun. When it finally did come out it just proved that all our results from testing had in fact been correct, the sun was finally out.”

News as it updates.

International Thief Carmen Sandiego finally captured

One of the worlds most wanted criminals, Carmen Isabella Sandiego, has finally been caught after nearly thirty years on the run.

A joint effort between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the ACME Detective Agency is what made the arrest finally possible.

Sandiego was apprehended at LAX this morning while en route to a buyer for her latest heist, a rare Grecian Vase from the 12th century.

“For years we have sat and wondered, Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Well, today we know…. She is in jail.” Acme Detective, Sandy Dennis, (who was the lead investigator) , told reporters this morning, “Many times we were sure that we had cornered Mrs. Sandiego, but always failing one step behind and always left holding an empty hat……her empty hat.

Thanks to a tip by one of her ex-cohorts, Baron Grinnit, we were finally able to track her and arrest her.

She will be moved to an undisclosed location while awaiting trial.”

More as events unfold

The only known photo of Carmen SanDiego

Famed Mystery Inc. Mascot accidently killed when company van backed over him

The face of the famous investigative firm, Mystery Inc. ,was killed today when one of its employees accidently backed over him while driving the company van.

Scooby Doo, a four year old, brown Great Dane, had been with the team since it’s inception and seemed to have really enjoyed the attention it brought.

Mystery Inc. became famous for their ability to sniff out fraudulent, supposed haunted attractions such as the case that gave them international fame, the case of the cursed cruise.

That well known investigation saw the team take on a haunted cruise liner.

The ship had been losing money due to lack of tourists and rumors had spread claiming the ship was being haunted by a giant, demonic owl creature.

The Mystery Inc team was able to prove that the haunting was a ruse brought on by a bitter ex employee.

Old Mike Mcready had a long standing grudge against the ship since being fired the summer before. He was sentenced to six years for his involvement.

After that the team shot to fame and fortune. Scooby Doo became so popular even that at one point he was receiving 20,000 letters from fans a day.

He even got his own dog treats named Scooby Snacks which are sold on most store shelves still today

A statement was released by the team this morning, in it they talked about what this means for the company and what the future holds.

“Scooby Doo was, above all else, a good dog. Many of the high profile cases we’ve worked would never have been solved had it not been for a careless mistake made by Scooby. We are all going to take time to deal with this sudden loss and hope to come out stronger because of it. We request that you respect our privacy during this time. Thank you. ”

Scooby Doo(pictured in back left) sitting in the very van that would eventually kill him

Reminder: 48 hours until Opposite Day

With less than 48 hours to go until the start of the annual Opposite Day, city officials are working overtime to secure all banking institutions and government buildings for a smooth return to normalcy after the event.

For those not wishing to partake on Opposite day festivities, you are being reminded to stay indoors and secure all points of entry to your home.

Protests have been springing up all over the nation this past week asking for an end to Opposite Day but they have fallen on deaf ears.

The protesters, who have been dubbed, Oppositioners, are calling for every city to have a silent vigil an hour before the start of O. D. so as to remember those that lost their lives in last years festivities.

Critics of the Oppositioners are being very vocal about how foolhardy of an idea this is on account that it gives people a very limited amount of time to get home and prepare.

As a safety reminder, Opposite Day takes place over a 24 hour period and allows all involved to do the exact opposite of their regular behavior, even murder.

Be safe, be aware, be Vigilante.

Woman receives late night wrong number

Brenda Moore, a resident of Huxley, Iowa, was awoken last night at 2 A.M. to the sound of her phone ringing.

When she finally picked it up she found herself speaking to Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lived many ages before there were men.

The call, which lasted all of thirty seconds, was a simple dialing error on the part of Cthulhu(pronounced Kt-tol-ulhu), who was looking for a number ending with 364 but had mistakenly dialed 643 instead.

We talked to Brenda about the call and she told us that The Great Old One who is a monster the size of a mountain, “were nothing but nice, and once they realized their mistake were full of apologies.” She then added, “It was the exact opposite of what I thought Cthulhu would be like, especially since he has a heart that is the darkness and which has always been…. Plus I had no idea he would be British.”

July 4th….the Worlds holiday

“Happy 4th of July”

It’s a saying said round the world and spoken in every language. From Bob in India to Carol in Nigeria, everyone coming together to celebrate our independence.

When the aliens first arrived back in July of 96, many had hoped that they came in peace. That hope was short lived when suddenly and without warning they attacked, killing millions and reducing whole cities to nothing but piles of rubble.

That was on July 2nd, 1996.

On July 3rd we took the fight to them.

Every nation around the world sent the best their country had to offer straight into the fire. It was one of the largest coordinated attacks ever attempted by the military but it became the single greatest Intel blunder the world had ever seen.

“We sent those fighter pilots to their graves that day and it never should have happened.” Rich Garcia, July fourth expert and historian explained,

“We sent them in there knowing full well we couldn’t beat the aliens. The alien tech was too advanced and our military was simply not able to handle the fight. At least that’s what was thought at the time.

Years later we found out through declassified documents that we knew exactly what the aliens had. The powers involved kept it quiet though and in doing so they murdered millions more.

One of the alien ships crashed in the forties and we had been reverse engineering their tech ever since. It was so top secret the military didn’t even know about it

Until it was too late.”

We still had one more weapon at our disposal but it’s impact would be at a great cost.

“No one in their right mind would ever consider to drop a nuclear weapon, especially not on our own soil….but that’s exactly what we did.” Shirley Draven, Independence historian told us by phone,

“At 9:15 p.m. July 3rd, we did the unthinkable and dropped a 40 ton warhead in the center of Houston, Texas……it’s just a wasteland now, uninhabitable until 2120.

And it had zero effect on the aliens…..just sad really.”

Continued on page 8.

Camp Crystal Lake to reopen next summer

Posted on July 4 by Talker99

Despite the number of unsolved murders that have taken place within the last 30 years, the owners of Camp Crystal Lake Summer Learning Adventure are vowing to “try one last time” and reopen to the public.

The camp has seen over 114 murders take place in and around its campground. The victims, mostly young camp counselors, are routinely picked off and killed one by one over the course of the two weeks that the camp is in use.

Throughout the many openings and revamps of the camp, there is usually only one counselor left alive, usually female, and they always claim to have killed the same masked man.

It must be noted that no trace of the murderer is usually found once the police do their investigation.

The one exception to this strange case is the one that started it all. The counselor, found alone in a rowboat on the lake, claimed that a woman was to blame for the murders.

When police went to the location of the supposed murderers body they found that the head had been removed and only a torso remained.

After a thorough search the head was never recovered and the case was left open.

Despite these setbacks the camp is set to open again next summer and they are making the claim that it will be a safer time for all involved.

Artist rendering of the masked killer of the campgrounds

More as it updates.

funny, humor, important, media, news, satire, talker99, truth, Uncategorized

Talker99 Special Report: Pegasus

Aside | Posted on July 4 by Talker99

As everyone knows, the Unicorn is a magical and majestic horse that will appear whenever they are most needed.

For years Unicorns have been appearing here and there, helping men and women in dire straights and (usually) leading them on the path that they are destined for.

As the old saying goes, “the only thing a Unicorn can’t help is your Herpes.”

But what about the Pegasus?

They are certainly a sight to behold and a definite animal of breathtaking beauty …..

But are they really all that magical?

The answer, sadly, is no they are not.

We talked to Dick Ying, who teaches a class at Ohio State which covers both the Unicorn and Pegasus and the lore that goes with them…. this is what he told us..

“I’m here to tell you now, the Pegasus is not, and never will be, magical.

Sure, a lot of people cried magic when a Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby(Fly By Night-1996), but it just flew over the other horses, nothing else.

It’s not like it cast a spell, which would have been magic. Pegasus can’t even talk like a Unicorn. They are very limited in mental reasoning which is why they were put on the endangered list this past year.

Think about all the windows pegasus have flown into in just a five year time frame. Everyone knows at least one person who has been killed or injured by a pegasus stupidly crashing through a window.

Remember Dubai? All those people killed after that palomino pegasus flew through the top floor hotel restaurant and ignited a gas line…. Horrible. ”

“Fly By Night” 1996 Kentucky Derby Champ

Parents of Kevin McCallister deemed unfit, children placed in foster care

Kate and Peter McCallister appeared before the judge today in hope of a positive resolution to all that their family has been through in recent months.

Sadly though, the judge sided with the states prosecutor and deemed the McCallisters unfit as parents, placing the children in foster care .

You may remember the story of young Kevin McCallister, who, at the age of eight was left home alone on Christmas while his family vacationed in France.

On Christmas eve, a day before his mother flew back, Kevin’s home was burglarized by Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, who were already wanted for a series of burglaries throughout the city.

Over the course of the night the two tried repeatedly to get inside the McCallister home, only to be outwitted by the precocious 8 year old who had built a series of traps after learning of the thieves plans the day before.

Almost over night young Kevin became a media sensation and the public believed the parents story of “accidentally” leaving their youngest behind.

Then it happened again.

This time though he wasn’t left at home, he was left in New York City. To make matters worse the same two crooks that he helped put behind bars had just been released on parole and wanted their revenge.

Luckily, he outsmarted the crooks yet again and survived his time on the cold New York streets.

This time the public didn’t accept the parents excuse of their son being left behind accidentally and wanted justice for young Kevin.

An investigation was underway shortly after and the McCallisters, already deemed unfit by most of the public, faced an uphill battle to prove their innocence.

That is where we find the story today and, as expected, the court agrees with the public.

When asked what she thought of the ruling Kate McCallister only had this to say, “It was an Accident, I swear. I never would have just left my son. I love my son and have always been the best mother I could be.”

More as it updates.

The Little p Ranch, a bit of Hollywood History

Have you ever wondered where movie midgets come from?

Did you watch the Wizard of Oz and ask yourself how they got so many Dwarves in the same place, especially considering how territorial a Dwarf can be.

If you answered yes to these questions and still find yourself asking many more, then come on down to the Little p Ranch, located outside of Red Lake, Texas.

Little p has been the growth spot for Hollywoods Little Person, Dwarf, Midget or Elf that has been put on film within the last seventy-five years.

Snuggled deep in a West Texas valley, the Little p is a simple, family owned ranch that specializes in Midget cultivation and farming.

We talked to Mitch Greenberg, the owner of Little p, and he told us a bit of the ranches amazing history, “My family started this place back in 1934, back when midget farming was a relatively new idea. My great, great grandfather somehow got the contract for the Wizard of Oz shoot and the ranch was the chief trainer and supplier of dozens of type of little people throughout the filming. Judy Garland said in an interview that she kept some of the dwarves for herself when filming was wrapped and that had it not been for a well trained Shepard’s Dwarf that she worked with then she probably would have had a nervous breakdown.

Shortly thereafter we got contracts with every major studio in Hollywood and the rest is history.

Here at the ranch we grow over sixty types of little person, from the Siberian Dwadeldwarf to the rare and extremely beautiful Morocco Midget, which only grows for one week a year in June. There are other midget farms out there but none have the kind of little people we have.

Plus, the other farms sell their midgets for lab testing, we are a strictly no kill farm. A lot of people don’t understand how smart little people truly are, I couldn’t bare to see them sold if I knew they were being dissected in a high school biology class, like the Japanese do.”

If you’d like to see a little bit of Hollywood history, come down to the Little p Ranch. They’ve got group tour rates and interactive games for the kiddies. Also, if you’re seeking to adopt a little Person they do that too. For only 25 dollars you can take home a rescued Midget or Dwarf. All the proceeds go back into the shelter and helps fight the cruel sport of Midget throwing, which is practiced in most countries

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

Woman writes new blog about looking for love

WordPressers are all abuzz over the news that a Blog written by Miranda High of Rockport, SD, will be the 50,000th WordPress site involving a woman looking for love in a major metropolitan area.

The Blog, titled “NoSexintheCityYet.wordpress.com” (itself the winner of the 4,683rd blog to use the Sex in the City type title in its header), will be, according to its author, “a humor filled journey of self discovery and love by a woman so O.C.D-ish and neurotic that men would be crazy not to want her(at least that’s what my mother says) . ”

“There will be old poems from high school, lots of complaining about how other women are against her and plenty of stories about how the guy I’m crushing on at work never notices me. Check it out.”

The Blog is scheduled to start posting tonight at around 7:15- 7:30ish

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo