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Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

Posted on by Talker99

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the website) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.

Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you’ve known ever been the victim of an Otter crime?

For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork filed by police.

Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t believe an Otter lives anywhere around them.

Don’t Otters need to live around water?

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

What kind of crimes is an Otter capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and many more we didn’t mention.

But we will mention now: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce….all crimes perpetrated by an Otter.

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Dora the explorer missing

Posted on by Talker99

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to check in after their hike up Green Mountain.

Despite Green Mountain being known as difficult terrain, Dora and Boots were both accomplished outdoorsman who(between the two) had logged over 500 hours up and down it’s trails.

According to sources, they had left in the early morning in hope of finding a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her hike.

No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case.

As are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there.

One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper.

The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth.

More as it updates.

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

.

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo

Posted on by Talker99

The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity, died yesterday at the age of 43. Sadly, he was the last of his species as well.

The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties. It was soon realized that any hope to save the species was impossible after the total number recorded came to just 18 known adults living in the wild.

Conservationists rushed to support but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was then placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh.

When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter. After much hype and publicity, it finally opened in the spring of 96.

Upon arriving, Lion-O lazily looked out of his carrier and onto his new home, he then turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep.

Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction.

Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal.

Thundercats. Ho!

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

Posted on by Talker99

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Posted on by Talker99

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Egypt arrested

Posted on by Talker99

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

Posted on by Talker99

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his running mate, Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination. Thankfully though, his plan has never been realized.

Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country, well, everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn, told us by phone, “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results.

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

Posted on by Talker99

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

New post on womans blog

Posted on by Talker99

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress.com, came back today in full force after a week long vacation with her husband and two kids.

So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Posted on by Talker99

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said  today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.