Woman receives late night wrong number

Brenda Moore, a resident of Huxley, Iowa, was awoken last night at 2 A.M. to the sound of her phone ringing.

When she finally picked it up she found herself speaking to Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lived many ages before there were men.

The call, which lasted all of thirty seconds, was a simple dialing error on the part of Cthulhu(pronounced Kt-tol-ulhu), who was looking for a number ending with 364 but had mistakenly dialed 643 instead.

We talked to Brenda about the call and she told us that The Great Old One who is a monster the size of a mountain, “were nothing but nice, and once they realized their mistake were full of apologies.” She then added, “It was the exact opposite of what I thought Cthulhu would be like, especially since he has a heart that is the darkness and which has always been…. Plus I had no idea he would be British.”

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

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