behind the story

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

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“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Monkey writes masterpiece

Posted on by Talker99

You’ve heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece.

The book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life.

The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who, as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when poachers kidnap him.

The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, a rag tag group of activists attack the campground in hopes of freeing the animals held there . The freedom is shortlived though and the activists substitute one prison to the form of another, in the guise of an animal sanctuary.

Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to love and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime next month.

China bans Chinese Food

Posted on by Talker99

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters, mostly in rural areas, had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, we are always looking for ways to improve .

Anyway, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy.

Because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Everything we eat is Chinese food because it’s China!

But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing but Chinese food and that’s not right.

Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more. When the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have that as an option because there’s not an Olive Garden anywhere in China!

Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s an Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of. Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been heard and we are officially banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s what’s going down.

For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

Confused man thinks someone called his name

Posted on by Talker99

For Tempe, Arizona resident Jerrod Ward, walking to and from work every day is more than just his way of saying that he’s trying to live “Green”, it’s also his favorite part of the day.

“Well, my favorite two parts of the day.” Jerrod told us by phone last Tuesday night, “See, cause I walk to work and then back home after I get off…….so, it’s my favorite “two” parts of the day.”

He then laughs and asks if I get the humor in what he said…..

(silence)

But last Monday night his walk home was interrupted for a few Earth shattering moments by a belief that someone called out his name, sending him into a confused state of looking around and wondering who it was.

Police are said to be investigating more important matters.