Recent Cattle mutilations blamed on Critters

At least 14 cattle have been found dead in Brazoria, Texas with dozens more unaccounted for.

Police are at a loss as to what may be responsible but we at Tàlker99 believe we know whom the culprit may very well be…..

Last month, Leonardo DiCaprio was in Brazoria scouting locations for his next film, the sequel to What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, titled, What Ate Gilbert Grape.

Unreported by the local news media and fanzines that follow Leo around, four of his Critters got loose while he was out dining in Cognito(a Spanish restaurant).

You may or may not remember that Leo was in a little film titled Critters 3.

Mysteriously, four Critters disappeared from the set the day Leo left and when calls were placed to his home, they were always met with an annoying wrong number notification.

We did some digging and uncovered this shocking photo that speaks for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

. Now we don’t want to raise the alarm here but it’s been a long day already and really this is all we got for you to read. Honestly, I’m surprised you made it this far into this story. I would have left when I read the word Critters.

To each his own I guess. See you tomorrow.

Oh, and call your mom. She misses you.

Dr. Emmet Brown finally arrested after decades long search

Dr Emmet Brown arrived home yesterday from the year 1955, after disappearing in a futuristic looking 1985 Delorean of the past.

The happiness friends and family felt after seeing the long thought dead scientist was short-lived though.

Approximately ten minutes after his arrival, police stormed in with a warrant and arrested him for the suspected murder of Marty Mcfly.

Mcfly, whose disappearance in the late 80’s has long been a subject of debate, was featured in a season three episode of Unsolved mysteries.

Despite numerous leads, no one was ever charged.

Did Dr. Brown kill Marty Mcfly? That was the question on everyones mind after the two were last seen talking late one night around the town clock tower.

Some said that Dr Brown was an eccentric scientist with a taste for young boys. Others said that it was not Doc Brown at all and police should look toward Marty’s mother for answers in his disappearance.

In 1955 Lorraine Mcfly(her last name was Baines at the time) had a torrid affair with someone named Calvin Klein(no relation to the fashion guru) at around the time of her high school prom.

Friends of Lorraine often told her how much her son Marty looked like Calvin and would joke about who the actual father was.

How much of what they were saying was based in truth though? That is the question everyone is asking after news broke that the doctor had returned .

More importantly, that’s the question police have been asking since the disappearance of young Marty in the 80’s.
Now though, with todays capture of Dr. Brown, might the police finally have the evidence they need to convict?

Considering he has long since been the only person of interest in this decades long cold case, many are hopeful to finally get answers to questions most thought would never be fully explained.

More as it develops.

Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the website) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.

Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you’ve known ever been the victim of an Otter crime?

For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork filed by police.

Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t believe an Otter lives anywhere around them.

Don’t Otters need to live around water?

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

What kind of crimes is an Otter capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and many more we didn’t mention.

But we will mention now: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce….all crimes perpetrated by an Otter.

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Scientists say a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within a week

Scientists announced today that a comet will strike the World of Warcraft within three or four days, dramatically changing the surface of its terrain.

The comet, nicknamed Ol’ Glory by the Warcraft Astronomer who found it(BizKilla345), will probably strike somewhere in the Broken Isles area, causing massive tsunamis and Worldcraft wide devastation.

As news of the impending doom spread around the online world, violence quickly erupted, causing at least twenty thousand confirmed fake deaths in the unreal communities of the false world.

Looting, riots and annoying lags of internet connections are just a few of the problems that the families of the World of Warcraft have been going through since hearing of the mile wide comet. Underneath it all there have been stories of compassion as well.

We heard from SmiteUall33, who told us of a man who has given away all of his Warcraft possessions to those affected by the violence. Sadly though, his kindness was taken advantage of by some rouge Ironforge Dwarves who killed him while he prayed with a Blood Elf.

No plans have been made yet for evacuation though many are hoping that the World of Warcraft players will soon realize that it is only a game and get back to their real, everyday lives.

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

.

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Monkey writes masterpiece

You’ve heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece.

The book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life.

The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who, as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when poachers kidnap him.

The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, a rag tag group of activists attack the campground in hopes of freeing the animals held there . The freedom is shortlived though and the activists substitute one prison to the form of another, in the guise of an animal sanctuary.

Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to love and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime next month.

Confused man thinks someone called his name

For Tempe, Arizona resident Jerrod Ward, walking to and from work every day is more than just his way of saying that he’s trying to live “Green”, it’s also his favorite part of the day.

“Well, my favorite two parts of the day.” Jerrod told us by phone last Tuesday night, “See, cause I walk to work and then back home after I get off…….so, it’s my favorite “two” parts of the day.”

He then laughs and asks if I get the humor in what he said…..

(silence)

But last Monday night his walk home was interrupted for a few Earth shattering moments by a belief that someone called out his name, sending him into a confused state of looking around and wondering who it was.

Police are said to be investigating more important matters.

Bible 2 announced

Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo

The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity, died yesterday at the age of 43. Sadly, he was the last of his species as well.

The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties. It was soon realized that any hope to save the species was impossible after the total number recorded came to just 18 known adults living in the wild.

Conservationists rushed to support but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was then placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh.

When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter. After much hype and publicity, it finally opened in the spring of 96.

Upon arriving, Lion-O lazily looked out of his carrier and onto his new home, he then turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep.

Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction.

Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal.

Thundercats. Ho!

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Recent study shows kids today have it way better than kids fifty years ago

A recent study from M.I.T. shows that children today have fewer restrictions, far less chores and way cooler toys than children 50 years ago.

These factors and many more like them have made scientists conclude that they have it way better than kids their age fifty years ago.

Mike Stizer, one of the scientists that was involved in the study had this to say, “Kids today have it so much easier than when I was a kid. I was born an raised in the sixties, I had chores, a bedtime, schoolwork piled a mile high and manners for the adults around me. Kids today have none of these. They have Playstations, freedom to run the streets due to busy, workaholic or drug addicted parents, school teachers that fear them or the system they work for due to political correctness and they have absolutely no manners whatsoever. This one kid we talked to thought manners was a guy that played for the Braves, so besides the fact that they have it better, they are also idiots.”

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn't have texts

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn’t have texts

Ted, another scientist involved with the study and who only goes by the name of Ted, had this to say, “Kids today have the coolest shit. Kids fifty years ago had shit.”
Read the full report in the newest issue of Forbes magazine

Gary Busey finds cure for Colon Cancer

In a moment of inspiration, actor Gary Busey, star of such films as “The Buddy Holly Story”,”Lethal Weapon” and “Under Siege”, discovered a cure for colon cancer while working out of his basement yesterday in his Malibu, California home.

The medical community is in stunned silence.

“I don’t know,” Gary Busey told us by telephone, “I was sitting there, looking at my feet, I got a bad ingrown toenail, watching “The Hunger” with Susan Surandon, she is an amazing actress isn’t she? “White Palace” is an amazing film ain’t it? James Spader is in it too.

You ever seen that show he was on? That lawyer show? It was good. William Shatner was in it.(very long pause, seems to be thinking) Captain Kirk! That’s amazing. Do you think there are aliens here now? I do. They’re everywhere. So I’m sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet, when it hits me! Bam!(get’s right into phone, breathing heavy, yells) I got it! And I rush down to the basement, where my cancer rats are, and mix my potion of science up and…. Bam! Cure for cancer.”

The full medical report on his findings will be released tomorrow.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Commented

Hey! Do you like to comment?

If you’re like most people on the web today, you comment on some of the posts you come across but not all.

FACT: 90% of all blog posts are not comment worthy but people still comment(most common reason-guilt). What this does is elevate the unexciting blog into”look-at-me” status, leading them to write even more sub-par posts and a strange belief that they have fans

FACT: According to Wired Magazine, “over 62% of all blogs written today are done by drug cartels, human traffickers, party planners, black market organ harvesters and terrorists(Muslim and Canadian).” So remember, when you comment on a blog it’s a pretty good chance you’re helping make heroin.

FACT: In 1984, three blogs were convicted to life in prison for the murder of Joshua Nim. The murder, which was accurately depicted on a season three episode of Murder She Wrote, involved the blogs attacking and killing Josh after he had left some vulgar remarks following their most recent post.

It’s dangerous out there so why comment in uncharted territories when you can comment here stress free?

SOLUTION:Make Talker99 your place for any comment needs.

We know how hard it is to give your true opinion and sometimes a comment can go misread, so whatever the occasion, however the topic and whomever you’d like to comment about, Talker99 is your new place to have your comment stay.

“Whenever I need to make a comment I don’t leave it on some other guys website that I don’t know jackshit about, I leave it on Talker99.. I trust Talker99 and I know that they have my family’s safety in mind, you really can’t put a price on that.” – Micheal Douglas, star of the hit film Basic Instinct.

Boy starts silent protest

Three year old Green Ridge, South Carolina resident Tommy Wilcox is in minute four of his silent protest which is currently underway inside his mothers Ford Mustang.

Tensions between Tommy and his mother came to a head only ten minutes earlier when he realized that they were headed someplace other than the playground.

When he inquired where they were driving to, he was told to “quiet down” and they “will be at the Grocery store in a few minutes.”

Thinking quickly, Tommy started his low pitch squeal and kick move that sometimes helped him get what he wanted, though, even he admits that it has actually been some time since it last worked.

Next he tried manipulation and annoyance.

With only a 20 percent success rate, it was a desperate and risky move that was quickly shot down by his mom in the form of a mean threat to spank him when they arrived at the store.

With his slide and swing chances dwindling by the second, Tommy realized that a silent protest would make his point heard, complete with an angry face just to drive it home.

When we arrived on the scene it seemed as Tommy was holding steady in his silence with no sign of breaking anytime soon.

We’ll keep you updated as the action unfolds.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Google Death Star to be operational by 2027

Google, the web powerhouse that defined internet search, announced today their plans to have a fully operational Death Star built by the year 2027.

The announcement comes days after the company told us about their new public DNS service, which makes it possible for the Web Empire to know exactly what you are doing at any given time(of course they technically already do on account of Google Analytics).

This and many other forms of web services Google provides gets them one step closer to squashing the small band of online users that boldly refuse to conform to all things Google, which the company refers to as the Rebel Alliance.

The Death Star, which Google is naming the “true Google Earth”, will be a moon size space station with the capabilities of bringing a larger base of online users by linking the planet to its own massive server, ultimately providing a faster internet experience for the users and increased traffic for the webmasters.

The space station will also be equipped with a planet destroying super-weapon, which the company is down playing, saying on its blog , “Even though we are calling the weapon the Planet Killer, that’s just its development stage name. In reality we’re putting the armament there for defense against rogue comets and life destroying asteroids, two things that, as far as we know at least, no one wants around. As we at Google get closer to the final building stage we’ll be having an online contest where users will be encouraged to send in what they think would be an appropriate title for our space station, it’s going to be very exciting.”

More as it develops.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

Local man swears his girlfriend is not a Bitch

Regardless of how Megan Reed may act, Ryan Barber, her boyfriend of four months, swears up and down that, “she really isn’t a bitch”.

Friends of Ryan would disagree though.

The conflict started after Ryan was set up on a date with Megan by a co-worker. Immediately the two hit it off and started seeing each other exclusively, much to the despair of everyone else in Ryans life.

We talked to Bryan Barber, Ryan’s brother, who told us just how much a bitch Megan really is, “she’s pretty much a Mega-bitch.”

Devon Montgomery, Ryan’s best friend of six years, had this to say, “You know when people talk about someone being bitchy and that they are walking around acting like their shit don’t stink? Well, and this is really creepy, her shit literally does not stink. I mean, I know it’s weird but her shit smells more like vanilla.

If that doesn’t tell you something then I don’t know what will.”

Megan could not be reached for comment.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

New post on womans blog

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress.com, came back today in full force after a week long vacation with her husband and two kids.

So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store.

At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the men’s fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen-year-old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra-large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come out of hiding because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the food court but ultimately stuck around due to the amazing savings taking place at the Macy’s one day sale.

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said  today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.