Algebra

Talker99 looks to the Future right Now: A special report about Tomorrow Today

Posted on by Talker99

The Future.

Can you see it? Eleven words from now I’m going to say the word cool.

Cool, right?

You my friend were just told the Future. How did I do it? What else can I see? Easy now young fella’, all in do time, because the Future is all around us.

The Future is right Now…….

Or is it? Some people say that in order to understand the Future we must first look at the sins of the past.

How exactly does one look at the past in order to understand the Future and what does any of that have to do with the Now?

That my friends is for you to decide.

Everyone is granted a Future of their own making but your past actions can compromise your Now which in turn can destroy your Future.

Your Tomorrow can easily be affected by your Yesterday and your Today was probably foreseen by a Gypsy.

What does this all mean?

Simple, I was bored and decided to write.

(quick note from the editor(Talker99)….It’s late, I’m tired. All said and done it’s a damn fine piece of writing….)

Local teacher loves making fun of stereo types

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Chicago, IL

Ronald Fisher loves making fun of his students stereo types.

He’ll do it straight to their face even. More so if he gets to do it during the Algebra class he teaches at Mary Hill High in the historic Chicago district of Englewood.

“Oh its all in good fun.” Fischer told us by phone, “I guess there is a deeper message if you really want to find one, but it’s still in good fun.

Ill tell all the students that Whites are simply the best around, no question. Of course, that statement is inevitably always argued against by my students who like Blacks.

I always win the discussion after I stand the the two side by side(Whites and Blacks) and get my kids to listen to each one.

They are shocked when they find that they can hear and understand every word coming from the Whites but just hear a jumbled mess coming from the Blacks.

Im just trying to show my students why Whites are the best choice at the end of the day.”

“I don’t care if you’re having to choose a component, bookshelf, portable, handheld, auto or marine stereo, Whites Electronics are always the best choice for both the price and quality. My students don’t understand any of this when ever they go shopping for a new type of stereo, its all about bass to them, which, admittedly, Blacks stereos are the best for that aspect… But that’s about it(chuckles)…. I guess Sony is pretty good as well, but never Kenwood.”

School officials are said to be investigating the matter but are unsure why

Lost Article : The Interview

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Here is an article we found that was never published. It was written right before our previous website, Talker96`s Page of Awesome, was bought by the makers of Cat Fancy(though at the time I did not own a cat). While this article is a bit dated it is still a very informative read. Thank you.

The recent hack attacks on Sony Entertainment by the GOP(Guardians of Peace) have many thinking that the hacks were perpetrated by the North Koreans in retaliation for the Seth Rogen, James Franco comedy “The Interview”.

Set to be released this Christmas, the film involves Seth and James being recruited by the C.I.A to assassinate the leader of North Korea, a plot which might not be to humorous to the real leader, Kim Jong-un.

We sat with Mr. Choon-see Lee, a North Korean defector who escaped last week and is now safely living in Seoul, who talked with us about what Kim Jong-un may be thinking in regards to the film. “Oh yes, he’s pretty pissed…wink, wink…….Down with America and all that shit he usually is saying…..wink……..

Of course he’s not pissed silly, he’s just glad to be included at the party.

Sure, he’s got to be all like, “Stupid Franco and Rogen, they suck.” But to the people who know him, the people of North Korea, he’s as giddy as a school girl who just got asked to the prom.

Kim Jong-un on a horse during the nations annual Western Day festivities.

Kim Jong-un on a horse during the nations annual Western Day festivities.

Also he loved the movie “This is the End”. Swear to God, he can quote almost every line and often did so on the Peoples Republic Nightly Broadcast. It was pretty funny shit when he did, but kinda confusing too because we were not allowed to see that movie…..or any movie for that matter.

So we really didn’t know what he was talking about when he would start acting like it was the end of the world, a lot of people panicked even and killed their whole family, it was pretty fucked up. Anyway…..yeah……

But seriously, he’s cool with “The Interview”. He’s gotta act all butt hurt by it but deep down he’s just happy to be noticed.”

More as it develops.

Kim Jong-un looks out at some birds that he thought were pretty.

Kim Jong-un looks out at some birds that he thought were pretty.

Dr. Emmet Brown finally arrested after decades long search

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Dr Emmet Brown arrived home yesterday from the year 1955, after disappearing in a futuristic looking 1985 Delorean of the past.

The happiness friends and family felt after seeing the long thought dead scientist was short-lived though.

Approximately ten minutes after his arrival, police stormed in with a warrant and arrested him for the suspected murder of Marty Mcfly.

Mcfly, whose disappearance in the late 80’s has long been a subject of debate, was featured in a season three episode of Unsolved mysteries.

Despite numerous leads, no one was ever charged.

Did Dr. Brown kill Marty Mcfly? That was the question on everyones mind after the two were last seen talking late one night around the town clock tower.

Some said that Dr Brown was an eccentric scientist with a taste for young boys. Others said that it was not Doc Brown at all and police should look toward Marty’s mother for answers in his disappearance.

In 1955 Lorraine Mcfly(her last name was Baines at the time) had a torrid affair with someone named Calvin Klein(no relation to the fashion guru) at around the time of her high school prom.

Friends of Lorraine often told her how much her son Marty looked like Calvin and would joke about who the actual father was.

How much of what they were saying was based in truth though? That is the question everyone is asking after news broke that the doctor had returned .

More importantly, that’s the question police have been asking since the disappearance of young Marty in the 80’s.
Now though, with todays capture of Dr. Brown, might the police finally have the evidence they need to convict?

Considering he has long since been the only person of interest in this decades long cold case, many are hopeful to finally get answers to questions most thought would never be fully explained.

More as it develops.

Confused man thinks someone called his name

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For Tempe, Arizona resident Jerrod Ward, walking to and from work every day is more than just his way of saying that he’s trying to live “Green”, it’s also his favorite part of the day.

“Well, my favorite two parts of the day.” Jerrod told us by phone last Tuesday night, “See, cause I walk to work and then back home after I get off…….so, it’s my favorite “two” parts of the day.”

He then laughs and asks if I get the humor in what he said…..

(silence)

But last Monday night his walk home was interrupted for a few Earth shattering moments by a belief that someone called out his name, sending him into a confused state of looking around and wondering who it was.

Police are said to be investigating more important matters.

Bible 2 announced

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Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Penguins study

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Scientists studying the mating habits of Penguins in Antarctica announced today that, contrary to popular belief, Penguins are not in any way gay.

But they may be a little bit curious.

Ronald Herrington, who was in charge of the study (funded by the popular Gay and Lesbian lifestyle magazine, Out), talked to us by phone and gave us more details,

“We were out there for about three months, during the height of Penguin mating season, and we viewed, give or take, about thirty thousand penguins coupling.

After awhile the female will lay an egg, take one look at it and decide that she really has no idea what she got herself into.

Either she thinks that she’s too young to be a mother or she still has some wild oats to sow, whatever it is, she gets the hell out of there toots sweet and leaves sole custody to the male.

Now, imagine, you’re a male penguin and you’ve just been handed an egg with your son or daughter growing inside it. You’re confused, scared and your heart has been shattered.

I ask you, what would you do in this situation?

Well, in the case of the Arctic Penguin, they turn to their best friend, who, ironically, has had the exact same thing happen to them.

To make matters worse, the ex girlfriend left them during the coldest, harshest part of the winter.

So there they are, cold, depressed and panicked because, honestly, what do they know about raising a child?

So they go to the only place a male penguin can hang out and relax…. down at the ice reef.

Luckily, there are about 15000 other guys freaking out there also so it becomes like a giant self help meeting.

Now remember, it’s freakin freezing out there, so all these guys clump together for warmth. There you all are, a pathetic bunch huddled together to protect each other from the environment and self harm.

For three months this is all these guys do, bitch, cry and bond. During this time it’s only natural for these guys to…… experiment a little…..

Shit, I was here with four other guys for three months watching these birds. I was kinda in the same boat as they were.

I’m not saying we got all gay or anything but, Tommy, our helicopter pilot, sure did try enough times.

Eventually, all the female penguins come crying back, fatter and with a lot more fur. Some of the guys listen to their sob stories and take them back. Others not so much.

The ones that don’t take them back found, we think, that they were happiest with whichever guy they hooked up with.

They didn’t know they were gay, but now they sure as hell are more comfy because of it. It happened to Tommy, it sure does happen to penguins.

Many in the scientific community are disputing Mr. Herrington’s findings, saying that he’s an idiot

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

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While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Gary Busey finds cure for Colon Cancer

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In a moment of inspiration, actor Gary Busey, star of such films as “The Buddy Holly Story”,”Lethal Weapon” and “Under Siege”, discovered a cure for colon cancer while working out of his basement yesterday in his Malibu, California home.

The medical community is in stunned silence.

“I don’t know,” Gary Busey told us by telephone, “I was sitting there, looking at my feet, I got a bad ingrown toenail, watching “The Hunger” with Susan Surandon, she is an amazing actress isn’t she? “White Palace” is an amazing film ain’t it? James Spader is in it too.

You ever seen that show he was on? That lawyer show? It was good. William Shatner was in it.(very long pause, seems to be thinking) Captain Kirk! That’s amazing. Do you think there are aliens here now? I do. They’re everywhere. So I’m sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet, when it hits me! Bam!(get’s right into phone, breathing heavy, yells) I got it! And I rush down to the basement, where my cancer rats are, and mix my potion of science up and…. Bam! Cure for cancer.”

The full medical report on his findings will be released tomorrow.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

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According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

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Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

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An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.