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Talker99 looks to the Future right Now: A special report about Tomorrow Today

Posted on by Talker99

The Future.

Can you see it? Eleven words from now I’m going to say the word cool.

Cool, right?

You my friend were just told the Future. How did I do it? What else can I see? Easy now young fella’, all in do time, because the Future is all around us.

The Future is right Now…….

Or is it? Some people say that in order to understand the Future we must first look at the sins of the past.

How exactly does one look at the past in order to understand the Future and what does any of that have to do with the Now?

That my friends is for you to decide.

Everyone is granted a Future of their own making but your past actions can compromise your Now which in turn can destroy your Future.

Your Tomorrow can easily be affected by your Yesterday and your Today was probably foreseen by a Gypsy.

What does this all mean?

Simple, I was bored and decided to write.

(quick note from the editor(Talker99)….It’s late, I’m tired. All said and done it’s a damn fine piece of writing….)

Recent Cattle mutilations blamed on Critters

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At least 14 cattle have been found dead in Brazoria, Texas with dozens more unaccounted for.

Police are at a loss as to what may be responsible but we at Tàlker99 believe we know whom the culprit may very well be…..

Last month, Leonardo DiCaprio was in Brazoria scouting locations for his next film, the sequel to What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, titled, What Ate Gilbert Grape.

Unreported by the local news media and fanzines that follow Leo around, four of his Critters got loose while he was out dining in Cognito(a Spanish restaurant).

You may or may not remember that Leo was in a little film titled Critters 3.

Mysteriously, four Critters disappeared from the set the day Leo left and when calls were placed to his home, they were always met with an annoying wrong number notification.

We did some digging and uncovered this shocking photo that speaks for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

Photo: Speaking for itself

. Now we don’t want to raise the alarm here but it’s been a long day already and really this is all we got for you to read. Honestly, I’m surprised you made it this far into this story. I would have left when I read the word Critters.

To each his own I guess. See you tomorrow.

Oh, and call your mom. She misses you.

Dr. Emmet Brown finally arrested after decades long search

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Dr Emmet Brown arrived home yesterday from the year 1955, after disappearing in a futuristic looking 1985 Delorean of the past.

The happiness friends and family felt after seeing the long thought dead scientist was short-lived though.

Approximately ten minutes after his arrival, police stormed in with a warrant and arrested him for the suspected murder of Marty Mcfly.

Mcfly, whose disappearance in the late 80’s has long been a subject of debate, was featured in a season three episode of Unsolved mysteries.

Despite numerous leads, no one was ever charged.

Did Dr. Brown kill Marty Mcfly? That was the question on everyones mind after the two were last seen talking late one night around the town clock tower.

Some said that Dr Brown was an eccentric scientist with a taste for young boys. Others said that it was not Doc Brown at all and police should look toward Marty’s mother for answers in his disappearance.

In 1955 Lorraine Mcfly(her last name was Baines at the time) had a torrid affair with someone named Calvin Klein(no relation to the fashion guru) at around the time of her high school prom.

Friends of Lorraine often told her how much her son Marty looked like Calvin and would joke about who the actual father was.

How much of what they were saying was based in truth though? That is the question everyone is asking after news broke that the doctor had returned .

More importantly, that’s the question police have been asking since the disappearance of young Marty in the 80’s.
Now though, with todays capture of Dr. Brown, might the police finally have the evidence they need to convict?

Considering he has long since been the only person of interest in this decades long cold case, many are hopeful to finally get answers to questions most thought would never be fully explained.

More as it develops.

Talker99 Classic Retro Rewind : Next attack coming soon

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Today on classic retro rewind we are taking you waaaayyy back to when the people were panicked, the conspiracies were in abundance and the world seemed flipped upside down…. We are talking of course about the year 2001, directly after 9/11. The article you are about to read is one published three months after that horrible day. If I’m not mistaken this is my third post I ever published. We admit that its dated for sure and the thoughts and beliefs may be a little insensitive but its still kinda funny… Sign of the times is all we can say.

All of Washington D.C. is abuzz with news that Al qaeda, the Islamic terrorist sect, is planning something big for their next attack, but how big? Talker99 sat down with Al queda member Zemar Dunis, who runs the East New Jersey Islamic Cherry Hill Gang, a non-profit cure for cancer group in Blight, New Jersey and he filled us in on whats in store.

“What the word on the Muslim street is saying is that the next bombing will be tha bomb!

Oh yes, my fellow qaeda guys are most definitely going to attack……Attack your senses, so your mind will be blown!

First, there will be a huge parade through the streets, where the many Muslim men will preach about Allah and his wisdom. Following behind the men will be their women, dressed in their best veils and looking all the more sexy as they walk through the streets covered head to toe with their heads ducked low and their mouths shut.

After the parade there will be punch and pie in the “Infidel Tent”, a kind of, meet a Muslim type setting, where the men will teach and praise Allah and his wisdom. For that the women will be at home where they belong.

Then the fun begins as two of Al qaedas best magicians come to teach of the dangers and evil that black magic will bring you as their show starts with basic parlor tricks but then turns into a den of evil, which consequently turns into a beheading of one of the Magicians.

Do not worry though, it is a fun time for the kiddies. Also, be sure to go if not to see the Black Magic fools lovely assistants, you’ll feel the heat as they help whenever called for and then stand in their corners with their mouths shut and their heads down low.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve already reserved a seat for when it happens.”

More as it updates.

Monkey writes masterpiece

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You’ve heard the old saying, “If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them will eventually produce a masterpiece.

Well, the wait is finally over.

Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece.

The book, titled “Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey”, is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop’s life.

The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who, as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when poachers kidnap him.

The night of Bash Bash’s arrival, a rag tag group of activists attack the campground in hopes of freeing the animals held there . The freedom is shortlived though and the activists substitute one prison to the form of another, in the guise of an animal sanctuary.

Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to love and be loved. The book takes place during the month’s following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after.

In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that “Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I’m sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars.”

The book is to be released sometime next month.

Bible 2 announced

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Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

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While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

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According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Special Words from the I.R.S.

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This was scheduled for a month ago but never posted. Conspiracy? Yes, we think so……

The following is a Public Service announcement from your friends at Talker99. This announcement to the general public is in no way affiliated with Talker99 and is brought to you only as a service as per our requirements to the WCC for licensing as stated in its rules and regulations, article 6b. For a complete list of the World Wide Webs rules and regulations for community standards, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 3786 W Houston st., New York, New York 17310.

Its tax time again and we would like to remind you that families with four or more children will always have the option of not paying. The I.R.S. recognizes your sacrifice to sanity and peace of mind, though we will also let you know that you will not be entitled to a refund either.

For those of you with more than four children, we would like to remind you that four is the maximum amount you are allowed to claim.

If you have more than four, may we suggest that you rent out the other kids to families in need of a bigger refund.

We are not saying that they keep your kids, just that they file them as dependents on their tax return. By doing this you are not only earning a little extra income for your family but you will get the peace of mind that can only come from helping out those in need, and, it’s a nice little tax right off at the same time next year.

So please, lend a kid at Tax time.

Brought to you by your friends at the Internal Revenue Service.

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

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Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.