Uncategorized

Local teacher loves making fun of stereo types

Posted on by Talker99

Chicago, IL

Ronald Fisher loves making fun of his students stereo types.

He’ll do it straight to their face even. More so if he gets to do it during the Algebra class he teaches at Mary Hill High in the historic Chicago district of Englewood.

“Oh its all in good fun.” Fischer told us by phone, “I guess there is a deeper message if you really want to find one, but it’s still in good fun.

Ill tell all the students that Whites are simply the best around, no question. Of course, that statement is inevitably always argued against by my students who like Blacks.

I always win the discussion after I stand the the two side by side(Whites and Blacks) and get my kids to listen to each one.

They are shocked when they find that they can hear and understand every word coming from the Whites but just hear a jumbled mess coming from the Blacks.

Im just trying to show my students why Whites are the best choice at the end of the day.”

“I don’t care if you’re having to choose a component, bookshelf, portable, handheld, auto or marine stereo, Whites Electronics are always the best choice for both the price and quality. My students don’t understand any of this when ever they go shopping for a new type of stereo, its all about bass to them, which, admittedly, Blacks stereos are the best for that aspect… But that’s about it(chuckles)…. I guess Sony is pretty good as well, but never Kenwood.”

School officials are said to be investigating the matter but are unsure why

Talker99 Public Service Announcment: Otter Awareness week

Posted on by Talker99

The following is a Public Service Announcement from your friends at Talker99.

Talker99 does not have any connection to the service we are about to announce, nor does he endorse the announcement of any particular service to the general public. Talker99(the website) is a service to you, the public readership, and all unsolicited announcements are simply a part of public required service. Thank you.

Don’t forget that it’s National Otter Awareness Week for the next three days!

Have you or someone you’ve known ever been the victim of an Otter crime?

For millions of Americans the answer is a resounding “yes”.

Unreported Otter crimes account for less than one percent of all violent crimes reported, yet they’re responsible for over twenty percent of the paperwork filed by police.

Many people don’t even realize that they’ve been victimized by an Otter because they don’t believe an Otter lives anywhere around them.

Don’t Otters need to live around water?

FACT: The average family has an Otter living within half a mile of their residence, and a quarter-mile of their workplace.

What kind of crimes is an Otter capable of producing?

Fact: Otters are behind this centuries most notorious and violent crimes.

Gang Violence

Murder

Store Retail Theft

Breast Cancer

Housing Market Crash

The DaVinci Code

France

Craigslist scams

All of these were Otter related crimes, and many more we didn’t mention.

But we will mention now: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace, Netflix price change, Rain when it’s supposed to be sunny, your parents divorce….all crimes perpetrated by an Otter.

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out of it and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

otters asking for gas money after saying they ran out and became stranded. Typical Otter scam

So the next time you see an Otter, please be aware.

Talker99 Flashback: S.S. Poseidon capsizes during New Years festivities

Posted on by Talker99

Reports are sketchy but according to Drudge Report the luxury liner S.S. Poseidon capsized when a rouge wave crashed into it during the nights New Years Eve festivities.

We are unsure if there are any survivors but it is feared that all on board are lost.

More as it comes in.

Photo of some of the passengers who were on board. The New Years party was to be a 70's themed event.

Photo of some of the passengers who were on board. The New Years party was to be a 70’s themed event.

This is a new post(now in color!)

Posted on by Talker99

This is a completely new post.

How can you actually tell its a new post and not some rehash of a previous post?

Simple….it says the word “New” in the title sentence.

Considering the word “New” is costing us about 14,000$ (in order to publish words such as “New” to you, (the reader), we,(the Publishers), must submit all articles for verification and processing through the Plagiarism and Copyright Commission U.S. Division(P.C.C.U.S.D) as stated in the Internet Guidelines Article 5.7.

The cost of doing this can be quite expensive seeing as they charge per word, this is why the internet is littered with nothing but headlines and short snappy posts made up of less than 500 words) we are not going to be wasting money on something that was already written within this website.

That my friends is how you know that what you are currently reading is New.

Thank you

Are you up to date? A Tàlker99 special report

Posted on by Talker99

Welcome to the update section of Talker99.

Today we will discuss any and all changes being made to the Talker99 format and/or layout. We do this update so that you, the viewer, can and will be informed of any and all changes that might normally catch you a bit off guard.

We know that change, both big and little, can sometimes be a little off putting or frightening. We are here to guide you through even the slightest change to your normal Talker99 reading experience.

Update: Nothing

We would like to remind you that Talker99 has a sister site titled 365poems.wordpress.com

In it he tries his hand at poetry so as to better understand the style.

Backstory: Talker99 has never really been a fan of poetry. He always thought of it as a very “look at me” style of writing and it always just rubbed him wrong.

As he grew older he became slightly wiser and realized one day that this was a very close minded way of thinking.

It was at that moment that he decided to try his hand at it and see what all the fuss was about.

He then dove in to all the poetry he could find, whatever it was, he read it. Finally, a year later, he was ready.

Now you can judge him like he has judged so many others before.

365poems.wordpress.com

Seriously poetic.

Man upset by lack of readers to his blog, may cancel

Posted on by Talker99

David Timly, from Fredrick, Ohio, started his first WordPress blog today with hopes of big readership brought in by his witty commentary.

Sadly, no one cared.

“I just don’t know why they aren’t reading my stuff.” David told us by phone, “I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a good writer, it’s not professional or anything but…..my wife says it’s good.”

The rest of the Internet disagrees and the stats showcase this fact, much to Davids dismay.

His blog, which is filled with pictures of his family, some random poetry he wrote while in college and some off-putting commentary about his local grocery store (complete with bad Indian puns and a semi amusing anecdote on his hatred of chex mix), is not the literary masterpiece he believes it to be.

Only time will tell if Davids blog succeeds, but if it does, I probably won’t tell you about it.

Caillou placed in foster care after police arrest parents for child abuse

Posted on by Talker99

Caillou coming from court

Shocking allegations of child abuse and fraud have surfaced today during the pretrial for the couple known only as Mother and Father, who for years claimed that their four year old son Caillou was sick and special needs.

The couple was arrested at their home on Pine Street last April on suspicion of child endangerment but once the police started digging they found a rabbit hole that went deeper than they could have ever imagined.

Caillou was the subject of a popular reality show that showcased his perseverance and sunny outlook in his day to day activities despite his severe learning capabilities and his ongoing battle with cancer.

Or so the public was lead to believe.

According to court records the parents completely fabricated every aspect of Caillou’s life. They then used his pain to their advantage. Vacations, multi night sex parties and drug fueled weekends that would find Caillou at home alone to fend for himself.

Dr. Rob Garath, a psychologist (the only one to return our calls) had this to say, “at first glance it looks like a basic case of Munchausen syndrome but on further investigation I’m not so sure. I believe this was done solely for monetary purposes on the parents part. Its pretty fucked up”.

Caillou has been quiet on the whole ordeal since the arrest. His grandparents are trying to gain custody of the boy and his grandmother is still his soccer coach every Tuesday evening. They are to make a statement in court next week.

More as it updates.

Subscribers Remorse

Posted on by Talker99

sub·scrib·er

/səbˈskrībər/

noun

plural noun: subscribers

  1. a person who receives a publication regularly by paying in advance.

Have you been the victim of a subscriber scam?

It’s a documented fact that at least 7 out of 10 people have fallen for the update by email scam that runs rampant throughout WordPress.

Have you given a like to a blog only to be bombarded week after week with endless “updates” from it’s creator that you have zero interest in reading?

We at Tàlker99 understand how difficult it can be navigating this thing called “the internet”, that’s why we created Blog lock with you in mind.

With Blog lock in place you’ll have all your subscriptions compiled into just one single subscription and never have to deal with the hassle of reading other websites.

Once you are fully subscribed to Tàlker99 all your News feeds, Work feeds and Porn will be sectioned off into one fully expandable website that gives you the freedom to enjoy the rest of your day(without the headache of endless web browsing).

Remember how you missed Grandma’s 75th birthday because you got stuck doing work stuff online? Had you had Tàlker99 you would have been there.

How bout the time you got stuck looking at step sibling porn and completely forgot to pick up your kids at school?

Wouldn’t have happened had you had Tàlker99(and your wife might still be with you).

Listen…..all I’m saying is you got to get it together bro. You’re a day away from losing your job and your kids blame you cuz of the divorce(they ain’t wrong). Get your shit together and subscribe to Tàlker99.

It’s better then living alone.

Tàlker99 vs. Dr Seuss part 2

Posted on by Talker99

At an abandoned old field

On the edge of town

Young Billy sat bored

With his face in a frown

Then he said to himself

In the grumpiest of words

“this town is so boring!”

“yes, this town is absurd!”

“there’s just nothing to do here!”

“no fun to be had!”

“I hate that I live here!”

“it just makes me so mad!”

All at once came a voice

From within the old field

Saying, “boy you just wait”

“till the fun gets revealed”

Then up from the grass

Came a man of short stock

He carried a cane

And jumped up on a rock

Then he said “young man!”

“just look at this place”

“all the fun to be had”

“in this glorious space!”

“I’m planning to open

And run a worlds fair.

With games and arcades

And nonstop fun everywhere

Right here you’ll buy tickets

Then enter into

The world’s first and only

Zoo that pets you

Here you’ll see all the creatures

That are brought from afar

Like the liontoad zimby

From the nation Japar

There will be Breasels, and Drexals

And fang toothed Buhstrakes

And the small shy Vantooth

Which can only eat cakes

Further into my fair

And you’ll see the first ride

The world’s tallest and fastest

Water spout slide

Ten thousand feet to the top

Quite the sight to behold

A marvel in making

Or so I’ve been told

Thirty minutes to walk up

Then a minute back down

Think of the joy

It’ll bring to this town

Over here in this part

Of this empty old field

Will be such a carousel

With secrets concealed

At first it goes slow

At a leisurely pace

Then faster it goes

You’ll feel your heart race

If rides aren’t your thing

There’s still plenty to do

Theres tons more to see

It’ll be up to you

The world’s greatest places

Will be at my  fair

Each with their own tent

All made with great care

You’ll learn of great cultures

And rich histories

And of people and places

With lost mysteries

My world’s fair will be

The grandest of things

I can’t wait to see

All the joy that it brings

Then he said to the boy

Can you envision it there

So grand and majestic-

My amazing world’s fair

But Billy just turned

And started back home

No imagine to speak of

So he played on his phone

The Lair of the Hairless Bear, We are all required

Posted on by Talker99

Detroit, Michigan

If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you may be going there…….

there can be only one reason: You are on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear.

At one point in each of our lives we are called by the Hairless Bear. We don’t know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and when it happens we will be judged.

If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father).

Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so do not worry.

When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted.

If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy. If it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days. If the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs.

Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and so it must be accepted.

If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi worms, it would be a smart decision to do as told.

A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada.

No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and so it must be accepted.

People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely).

No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted.

Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close.

Just remember he’s also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear.

Help Wanted

Posted on by Talker99

Do you have a love for the outdoors and a desire to change the world into a better place?

Do you have compassion, patience and the ability to teach without lecturing?

And finally, do you want to show the value of nature and be a positive influence to it’s upkeep?

If you answered yes to any of these questions than you just may be the person were looking for at Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience.

Currently we are looking to fill our Camp Counselor positions for the summer months.

We offer competitive pay and great health benefits for the right candidates.

Sporting a new, 24 hour a day security and surveillance system that covers the entire perimeter of the campground, you can feel safe and secure throughout your stay with us.

The lake has been completely cleaned of all debris and has had all traces of the past events that took place around it removed.

If for any reason during your employment you must venture out of the camp ground, you can feel secure due to the armed guard that patrols the camp.

You’ll gain confidence after attending the self defence and survival seminar that is required of all new hires.

All in all, Camp Crystal Lake Summer Fun Learning Experience is a great place to work and learn for all involved.

Your safety is what matters most.

We look forward to hearing from you.

International Thief Carmen Sandiego finally captured

Posted on by Talker99

One of the worlds most wanted criminals, Carmen Isabella Sandiego, has finally been caught after nearly thirty years on the run.

A joint effort between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the ACME Detective Agency is what made the arrest finally possible.

Sandiego was apprehended at LAX this morning while en route to a buyer for her latest heist, a rare Grecian Vase from the 12th century.

“For years we have sat and wondered, Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Well, today we know…. She is in jail.” Acme Detective, Sandy Dennis, (who was the lead investigator) , told reporters this morning, “Many times we were sure that we had cornered Mrs. Sandiego, but always failing one step behind and always left holding an empty hat……her empty hat.

Thanks to a tip by one of her ex-cohorts, Baron Grinnit, we were finally able to track her and arrest her.

She will be moved to an undisclosed location while awaiting trial.”

More as events unfold

The only known photo of Carmen SanDiego

The only known photo of Carmen SanDiego

Famed Mystery Inc. Mascot accidently killed when company van backed over him

Posted on by Talker99

The face of the famous investigative firm, Mystery Inc. ,was killed today when one of its employees accidently backed over him while driving the company van.

Scooby Doo, a four year old, brown Great Dane, had been with the team since it’s inception and seemed to have really enjoyed the attention it brought.

Mystery Inc. became famous for their ability to sniff out fraudulent, supposed haunted attractions such as the case that gave them international fame, the case of the cursed cruise.

That well known investigation saw the team take on a haunted cruise liner.

The ship had been losing money due to lack of tourists and rumors had spread claiming the ship was being haunted by a giant, demonic owl creature.

The Mystery Inc team was able to prove that the haunting was a ruse brought on by a bitter ex employee.

Old Mike Mcready had a long standing grudge against the ship since being fired the summer before. He was sentenced to six years for his involvement.

After that the team shot to fame and fortune. Scooby Doo became so popular even that at one point he was receiving 20,000 letters from fans a day.

He even got his own dog treats named Scooby Snacks which are sold on most store shelves still today

A statement was released by the team this morning, in it they talked about what this means for the company and what the future holds.

“Scooby Doo was, above all else, a good dog. Many of the high profile cases we’ve worked would never have been solved had it not been for a careless mistake made by Scooby. We are all going to take time to deal with this sudden loss and hope to come out stronger because of it. We request that you respect our privacy during this time. Thank you. ”

Scooby Doo(pictured in back left) sitting in the very van that would eventually kill him

July 4th….the Worlds holiday

Posted on by Talker99

“Happy 4th of July”

It’s a saying said round the world and spoken in every language. From Bob in India to Carol in Nigeria, everyone coming together to celebrate our independence.

When the aliens first arrived back in July of 96, many had hoped that they came in peace. That hope was short lived when suddenly and without warning they attacked, killing millions and reducing whole cities to nothing but piles of rubble.

That was on July 2nd, 1996.

On July 3rd we took the fight to them.

Every nation around the world sent the best their country had to offer straight into the fire. It was one of the largest coordinated attacks ever attempted by the military but it became the single greatest Intel blunder the world had ever seen.

“We sent those fighter pilots to their graves that day and it never should have happened.” Rich Garcia, July fourth expert and historian explained,

“We sent them in there knowing full well we couldn’t beat the aliens. The alien tech was too advanced and our military was simply not able to handle the fight. At least that’s what was thought at the time.

Years later we found out through declassified documents that we knew exactly what the aliens had. The powers involved kept it quiet though and in doing so they murdered millions more.

One of the alien ships crashed in the forties and we had been reverse engineering their tech ever since. It was so top secret the military didn’t even know about it

Until it was too late.”

We still had one more weapon at our disposal but it’s impact would be at a great cost.

“No one in their right mind would ever consider to drop a nuclear weapon, especially not on our own soil….but that’s exactly what we did.” Shirley Draven, Independence historian told us by phone,

“At 9:15 p.m. July 3rd, we did the unthinkable and dropped a 40 ton warhead in the center of Houston, Texas……it’s just a wasteland now, uninhabitable until 2120.

And it had zero effect on the aliens…..just sad really.”

Continued on page 8.

Camp Crystal Lake to reopen next summer

Posted on by Talker99

Despite the number of unsolved murders that have taken place within the last 30 years, the owners of Camp Crystal Lake Summer Learning Adventure are vowing to “try one last time” and reopen to the public.

The camp has seen over 114 murders take place in and around its campground. The victims, mostly young camp counselors, are routinely picked off and killed one by one over the course of the two weeks that the camp is in use.

Throughout the many openings and revamps of the camp, there is usually only one counselor left alive, usually female, and they always claim to have killed the same masked man.

It must be noted that no trace of the murderer is usually found once the police do their investigation.

The one exception to this strange case is the one that started it all. The counselor, found alone in a rowboat on the lake, claimed that a woman was to blame for the murders.

When police went to the location of the supposed murderers body they found that the head had been removed and only a torso remained.

After a thorough search the head was never recovered and the case was left open.

Despite these setbacks the camp is set to open again next summer and they are making the claim that it will be a safer time for all involved.

Artist rendering of the masked killer of the campgrounds

More as it updates.

funny, humor, important, media, news, satire, talker99, truth, Uncategorized

Talker99 Special Report: Pegasus

Aside | Posted on by Talker99

As everyone knows, the Unicorn is a magical and majestic horse that will appear whenever they are most needed.

For years Unicorns have been appearing here and there, helping men and women in dire straights and (usually) leading them on the path that they are destined for.

As the old saying goes, “the only thing a Unicorn can’t help is your Herpes.”

But what about the Pegasus?

They are certainly a sight to behold and a definite animal of breathtaking beauty …..

But are they really all that magical?

The answer, sadly, is no they are not.

We talked to Dick Ying, who teaches a class at Ohio State which covers both the Unicorn and Pegasus and the lore that goes with them…. this is what he told us..

“I’m here to tell you now, the Pegasus is not, and never will be, magical.

Sure, a lot of people cried magic when a Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby(Fly By Night-1996), but it just flew over the other horses, nothing else.

It’s not like it cast a spell, which would have been magic. Pegasus can’t even talk like a Unicorn. They are very limited in mental reasoning which is why they were put on the endangered list this past year.

Think about all the windows pegasus have flown into in just a five year time frame. Everyone knows at least one person who has been killed or injured by a pegasus stupidly crashing through a window.

Remember Dubai? All those people killed after that palomino pegasus flew through the top floor hotel restaurant and ignited a gas line…. Horrible. ”

_fantasy_schwarzer-Pegassus

“Fly By Night” 1996 Kentucky Derby Champ

Parents of Kevin McCallister deemed unfit, children placed in foster care

Posted on by Talker99

Kate and Peter McCallister appeared before the judge today in hope of a positive resolution to all that their family has been through in recent months.

Sadly though, the judge sided with the states prosecutor and deemed the McCallisters unfit as parents, placing the children in foster care .

You may remember the story of young Kevin McCallister, who, at the age of eight was left home alone on Christmas while his family vacationed in France.

On Christmas eve, a day before his mother flew back, Kevin’s home was burglarized by Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, who were already wanted for a series of burglaries throughout the city.

Over the course of the night the two tried repeatedly to get inside the McCallister home, only to be outwitted by the precocious 8 year old who had built a series of traps after learning of the thieves plans the day before.

Almost over night young Kevin became a media sensation and the public believed the parents story of “accidentally” leaving their youngest behind.

Then it happened again.

This time though he wasn’t left at home, he was left in New York City. To make matters worse the same two crooks that he helped put behind bars had just been released on parole and wanted their revenge.

Luckily, he outsmarted the crooks yet again and survived his time on the cold New York streets.

This time the public didn’t accept the parents excuse of their son being left behind accidentally and wanted justice for young Kevin.

An investigation was underway shortly after and the McCallisters, already deemed unfit by most of the public, faced an uphill battle to prove their innocence.

That is where we find the story today and, as expected, the court agrees with the public.

When asked what she thought of the ruling Kate McCallister only had this to say, “It was an Accident, I swear. I never would have just left my son. I love my son and have always been the best mother I could be.”

More as it updates.

The Little p Ranch, a bit of Hollywood History

Posted on by Talker99

Have you ever wondered where movie midgets come from?

Did you watch the Wizard of Oz and ask yourself how they got so many Dwarves in the same place, especially considering how territorial a Dwarf can be.

If you answered yes to these questions and still find yourself asking many more, then come on down to the Little p Ranch, located outside of Red Lake, Texas.

Little p has been the growth spot for Hollywoods Little Person, Dwarf, Midget or Elf that has been put on film within the last seventy-five years.

Snuggled deep in a West Texas valley, the Little p is a simple, family owned ranch that specializes in Midget cultivation and farming.

We talked to Mitch Greenberg, the owner of Little p, and he told us a bit of the ranches amazing history, “My family started this place back in 1934, back when midget farming was a relatively new idea. My great, great grandfather somehow got the contract for the Wizard of Oz shoot and the ranch was the chief trainer and supplier of dozens of type of little people throughout the filming. Judy Garland said in an interview that she kept some of the dwarves for herself when filming was wrapped and that had it not been for a well trained Shepard’s Dwarf that she worked with then she probably would have had a nervous breakdown.

Shortly thereafter we got contracts with every major studio in Hollywood and the rest is history.

Here at the ranch we grow over sixty types of little person, from the Siberian Dwadeldwarf to the rare and extremely beautiful Morocco Midget, which only grows for one week a year in June. There are other midget farms out there but none have the kind of little people we have.

Plus, the other farms sell their midgets for lab testing, we are a strictly no kill farm. A lot of people don’t understand how smart little people truly are, I couldn’t bare to see them sold if I knew they were being dissected in a high school biology class, like the Japanese do.”

If you’d like to see a little bit of Hollywood history, come down to the Little p Ranch. They’ve got group tour rates and interactive games for the kiddies. Also, if you’re seeking to adopt a little Person they do that too. For only 25 dollars you can take home a rescued Midget or Dwarf. All the proceeds go back into the shelter and helps fight the cruel sport of Midget throwing, which is practiced in most countries

Woman writes new blog about looking for love

Posted on by Talker99

WordPressers are all abuzz over the news that a Blog written by Miranda High of Rockport, SD, will be the 50,000th WordPress site involving a woman looking for love in a major metropolitan area.

The Blog, titled “NoSexintheCityYet.wordpress.com” (itself the winner of the 4,683rd blog to use the Sex in the City type title in its header), will be, according to its author, “a humor filled journey of self discovery and love by a woman so O.C.D-ish and neurotic that men would be crazy not to want her(at least that’s what my mother says) . ”

“There will be old poems from high school, lots of complaining about how other women are against her and plenty of stories about how the guy I’m crushing on at work never notices me. Check it out.”

The Blog is scheduled to start posting tonight at around 7:15- 7:30ish

1 out of 50 people are living with Gymnastics: a Talker99 Special Report

Posted on by Talker99

Kerri Potts, age thirteen, contemplates her next move. Usually on a day like today, Kerri would avoid the cafeteria at her school in Rockport, New Hampshire and just walk straight to class, the problem she finds herself in though……

is that she really wants a bananna.

She sits silently for a moment, looks towards me and then the door….. Suddenly she springs forward, does a front handspring through the cafeteria doors, twists to the right, shakes her hips, backwards somersault, cartwheel, cartwheel again, ariel walkover(quite impressive), split leap, back handstand, flip and bow. She then grabs a bananna, turns, cartwheel, roundoff, split leap, splits and bow to no one then runs out the door. It was amazing and frightening all at once.

Everyone in the cafeteria then went back to talking as if nothing happened. My look of shock caught the attention of two girls who asked me why I looked the way I did. After stating that I had never seen someone with Gymnastics in everyday life they giggled and said,”just wait, her lunchtime show was always better”.

Young Kerri is not alone in her inspiring grief. She is just one of many who are currently diagnosed with Gymnastics, a neurological muscle disease that affects 1 out of 50 Americans.

With just a small donation of mere pennies a day, you can be young Kerris savior. Every donation goes right towards the study and, hopefully, cure that can end this debilitating muscle toning disease.

Wont it feel good to know that you were a part of the cure.

Kerri is counting on you….

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

Posted on by Talker99

While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Shocking allegations detailing years of abuse involving the Pound Puppies

Posted on by Talker99

The owners of Violet Vanderfeller(a Greyhound/Shar Pei mix) have come forth today with allegations of abuse and mistreatment involving the City Pound workers and the animals they were responsible for.

“Our poor Violet was beaten so badly that when we finally got her back she could barely walk.” said Susan Hoffendorfer, Violets owner and friend, who talked to us by phone.”It was a horrible, horrible experience for our dog and I hope that they all go to jail for a very long time.”

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

To add insult to injury, a police report has surfaced from two years ago that shows this isn’t the first time the pound has come under fire.

According to the report, police were called by a woman claiming she had found three dogs that were living at the pound and they were roaming the streets of her neighborhood.

All were badly malnourished and beaten. The report goes on to say that the pound puppies were named Cooler(Beagle/Bloodhound mix), Nose Marie(Boxer/Bloodhound) and Howler(Pug/Jack Russel) and seemed to have been looking for something in the neighborhood, though it’s not clear what it was.

The current owners of the pound could not be reached for comment.

More as it develops.

Civil War reenactment leaves 36 dead and the South in charge

Posted on by Talker99

Swinton, Virginia

The Battle of Bucksdrop Ridge has long been remembered as a turning point in the Civil war.

The battle took place on April 2nd, 1862 and is known as the “place where the South started its fall” due to the significant amount of casualties the Confederates took(estimated 12000 dead and wounded).

It was this battle that bred the start of the Northern command Ulysses S. Grants well known legend.

Every year as a show of respect to those lost in this great war the town of Swinton holds its annual reenactment. It is a fun time for both the casual observer and the hardened civil war buff….and the outcome is always the same….

Until today.

We regret to inform that todays reenactment, though hard fought by all involved, was not won by the North.

Reports are still coming in but we do know that at least 36 are dead and the Southern Confederacy has taken control of the hill.

They were last seen marching north towards the Capitol and had begun to split into two camps.

Civil war reenactors from at least three states have started securing their boarders, though at presstime we are unsure which Grant reenactor will be in charge.

We will update as it develops.

Costly Project Gadget shut down due to loss of funding

Posted on by Talker99

The long running and costly Gadget Project has finally been shut down after an in depth review of the cities finances.

The newly elected mayor did as promised on his campaign and took a metaphoric ax to his first day, cutting the massive overspending that plagued our city

First to the block was Inspector Gadget.

The forty million dollar project was created ten years ago as this cities answer to Detroit’s successful Robocop campaign.

After many false starts and millions in spending, the Gadget Project finally unveiled its creation, Inspector Gadget.

The Inspector, like Robocop before him, was a half man, half robot multi tool that never seemed to function as promised. Most days he would just be seen hovering over the city with his helicopter blade gadget in constant motion.

Over the course of his time in the police force he had just one arrest, but even that was dismissed due to lack of evidence.

The most vocal about wanting the Gadget Project shut down was Dr. Claw of the M. A. D. Organization, whom the Inspector had tormented since its start.

You may remember when Dr. Claw successfully sued the city for millions in damages after the Inspector blew up one of his labs.

Dr. Claw gave a statement following todays announcement of the shut down, here is a brief snippet of what was said.

“For years the Gadget Project has been an embarrassment to this great city. Untold amounts in damages, lawsuits and far to much pain and suffering caused by this mechanical monstrosity. Let us now move past this blight and grow stronger for our future and our community. Thank you”

Promotional art for the unveiling of the Gadget Project

More as it develops.

Where is Talker99 contest winner announcment!

Posted on by Talker99

A special thank you to all the readers who entered our “Where in the World is Talker99” Contest, which sent hundreds of you across thousands of miles in search of our elusive editor and chief, Talker99.

Most followed the clues we gave to his whereabouts and came extremely close to finding him but since this is a contest there can be only one true winner, that winner is……..

Samantha Ryan of Dillon, Mass

She successfully found Talker99 standing in front of the GE Building, which is home to NBC studios, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, New York.

Congratulations Samantha!

On a somber note, to the families of the ones we lost in Cairo, we truly are sorry for your loss but we never told you to go to Cairo.

Boy starts silent protest

Posted on by Talker99

Three year old Green Ridge, South Carolina resident Tommy Wilcox is in minute four of his silent protest which is currently underway inside his mothers Ford Mustang.

Tensions between Tommy and his mother came to a head only ten minutes earlier when he realized that they were headed someplace other than the playground.

When he inquired where they were driving to, he was told to “quiet down” and they “will be at the Grocery store in a few minutes.”

Thinking quickly, Tommy started his low pitch squeal and kick move that sometimes helped him get what he wanted, though, even he admits that it has actually been some time since it last worked.

Next he tried manipulation and annoyance.

With only a 20 percent success rate, it was a desperate and risky move that was quickly shot down by his mom in the form of a mean threat to spank him when they arrived at the store.

With his slide and swing chances dwindling by the second, Tommy realized that a silent protest would make his point heard, complete with an angry face just to drive it home.

When we arrived on the scene it seemed as Tommy was holding steady in his silence with no sign of breaking anytime soon.

We’ll keep you updated as the action unfolds.

Egypt arrested

Posted on by Talker99

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

Exclusive: Talker99 Interview

Posted on by Talker99

Seeing as how this is a new season of Talker99(following the sudden cancellation of the website last year by the Powers That Be(namely Me), it was soon decided that Talker99 should be brought back after an online petition was formed on Facebook.

Nearly 6000 signatures and four lawyer meetings later we are now finally ready to start the new season….the one you are currently reading) we thought it only fitting to start off with an interview with our Editor and Chief, Talker99(formally Talker96)

As we sat down with Talker99(in an undisclosed location deep within his home) we talked endlessly about the current state of things on the website(that you are currently on)what really happened between him and Jennifer Aniston and what he thinks is the actual proper way to pronounce the word “anticipation”.

It was a fun night filled with merriment, tears and delicious cheese bread supplied by Red Lobster(sponsor).

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- So……another season?

Talker99- Looks that way.

Talker99- Cool.

Talker99- Cool.

(edited for time)

New post on womans blog

Posted on by Talker99

Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress.com, came back today in full force after a week long vacation with her husband and two kids.

So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Fourteen year old girl can’t wait to leave home

Posted on by Talker99

Kendra Hearst, age fourteen, said  today that she “can’t freaking wait till (she’s) old enough to get the hell out of this stupid hillbilly town and away from idiots like you!”

The “you” that Kendra was referring to are her parents, Daryl and Samantha Hearst, and the town in question is Gypsy, Wyoming, population 22,000.

No word yet as to where Kendra might go but early reports are saying it might be Jeremy Kirkpatrick’s house.