truth

Man from Nantucket arrested

Posted on by Talker99

Following the late night raid of the Orchid Sunrise massage parlor, Fred Hamilton of Nantucket, North Dakota, was arrested and charged with two counts of indecent exposure and one charge of resisting arrest.

Hamilton, you may remember, gained fame when a limerick written about him became popular in bars and pubs around the world.

As the popularity of the rhyme grew, Fred, (who at the time was a freshman at the local university), found himself propelled into a world of celebrity.

We recently unearthed a rare 1981 interview that Fred did with Rolling Stone magazine during the height of his popularity. In it he talks of how the limerick has affected his life and what has changed for him in terms of career, future goals and family. Below are portions of that interview.

Rolling stone– So I’ve got to ask….can you really suck it?

Hamilton– (laughs) Well, we certainly don’t pull any punches do we? To answer your question, yes, I can in fact, suck it. Would you like to see?

R.S.- No, no. That’s quite all right, maybe later.

H-Very well.

R.S.– Your friend Robert Wilson wrote this limerick about you because, as he puts it, it was the most extraordinary and sickening thing he had ever seen. Is there a story behind that.

H– I don’t know about a story, but one Saturday night at the dorm a bunch of us were drinking and trying to one up each other.

You know, like I can do a back flip or you can tie a cherry stem in your mouth, basic kid stuff just to impress. Well everyone gets done showing off and I hadn’t said anything the whole time. Robert looks over at me and asks me if I had anything to add. I looked up at everyone in the room and said, “Yeah. I can suck my own dick.”

R.S.- (laughing) Really? You were that blunt?

H– Pretty much. The room was silent for a few moments, but then everyone had to see me do it. So I did. The rest is history.

R.S.- Now your tale is told in every bar around the world.

H– Yeah, it’s funny isn’t it. I mean, I’m just a kid from Nantucket. No one ever thought I would be famous, but here I am talking to Rolling Stone magazine and dating Sally Field. Go figure.

R.S.- Yes, let’s talk about your relationships.

H– Here we go.(rolls his eyes)

R.S.- You are dating Sally Field, but your previous relationship with Kathleen Turner was rocky at best.

H– She’s a bitch, yes.

R.S.- She called you a violent, coke induced little man, saying you hit her on more than one occasion and that, as of late, your rampant drug use has left you limp and insecure. Are any of these allegations true?

H– Look, I was a different man back then. I had no idea what I was doing and probably made some shit choices, I’m human. There was only one time when I did get out of control, but I never hit her, I just shook her real hard and her head was banging against the wall. She could have stopped it from banging, but she didn’t. Who’s fault is that?

R.S.- Well……

H– Her fault, that’s who. Now, as for the limp dick thing, that’s just a flat out lie.

But according to sources, Hamilton would be haunted by drug use for years to come. Eventually he fell out of the limelight when, desperate for money, Hamilton signed on to star in a series of adult films showcasing his sole talent, but on the first day of filming he could not perform. Years of drug use had left him with severe erectile dysfunction. In 1988 he moved back to the town that made him famous, Nantucket, where he has lived since.

Even though he has pleaded not guilty to the charges, this arrest may be the nail in the coffin for Fred Hamilton, the man from Nantucket.

Man stops Charging Grizzly

Posted on by Talker99

While camping at the Happy Place campgrounds in Barrow Falls, Alaska, Harold Harkins (of Beaverton, MN) managed to stop a charging, very pissed off Grizzly bear that was attacking. His act of bravery is what saved the rest of Larry and Laura Hartnets vacation.

Larry Hartnet, a Target manager from Butte, Montana, talked to us by phone, “Well, see me and the wife were wanting to go on the all inclusive bear tour during our trip. We paid for it and it’s all the wife could talk about on the way up here.

Just nonstop yapping about how she(begins to mimic his wife laura in a annoying, high pitched voice) just can’t wait to see the bears. Oooooo, the bears are gonna be so pretty and majestic. Do you think we’ll see a bear? What if we can’t see a bear? Bear. Bear. Bear…. (stops imitating)

I swear to Christ it was all I freakin’ heard,

Anyways, we get there and the first night, no bears.

The second night, no freakin’ bears.

I thought my wife was gonna bust she was actin’ so upset. Well, I get wind of another bear tour that drives a group of us up into the mountain, puts some dead animal or fish out in the open and waits there till one comes walkin’.

It was freakin’ perfect! Anything to get her trap from freakin’ talkin’ bout those dumb ass bears!

So I tell the wife about it and we drive up to where the tour is supposed to leave. Trouble was we get there exactly ten minutes too late! The freakin’ tour thingy already left! Thats when the water works came…..oh Jesus, I swear I wanted a bear to show just so it could eat her, she was crying so much.

Suddenly I hear a “pssst, pssst”, coming from behind me. I turn around and it’s a freakin’ aww inspiring-like Grizzly Bear! Totally brown and bear-like and he’s just looking me dead in the eye, kinda mean muggin’ me….. Then I see that he’s trying to call me over, kinda wavin’ at me with his big bear paws. It was freakin’ crazy!

So I walk up and he starts askin’ if we want to see the bears….and that he can show us more bears if we want. Then he starts to explain the deals he has and the prices. We haggled a few minutes and me an the wife decided on package number 1, which involved us following him up to his place.

Once there we would be allowed to sit and watch him in his natural environment. Total package was for about $150. A little pricey but well worth it to get the wife to shut up.

So we follow the fucker up into the hills for about ten minutes and all is fine. Suddenly he just stops and turns to me and says he wants the money up front.

Well, I ain’t sure if this bear is on the level so I say I’ll pay half now, half after. I mean, I don’t know this bear, he could just take off if he gets the money and then where would I be? Up shit creek, thats where!

I could tell though that the bear wasn’t having it and he starts to get all pissy. His attitude just rubbed me wrong and we start to argue.

This goes on for a few minutes and then he starts to just walk away, throwing his paws up as he does. As he gets past me I just snap like a twig and I tell him to fuck off.

He suddenly stops dead in his tracks and the whole forest, well, it just gets weirdly quiet. Then he turns around, looks me square in the eyes and says, “what the fuck did you just say?”

I looked right back and said, “F. U. C. K. Y. O. U…..does a bear spell in the woods? No? Well let me read it for you…” I then stuck up both middle fingers and yelled, “FUCK YOU!”

The shit pretty much hit the fan at this point.

He starts screaming at me, calling me every name he can think of. Thats when my wife just starts crying, real loud, heaving sobs, but amazingly, she is snappin’ pictures the entire time.

I decided to be the bigger man and say fuck it and walk away but he grabs my shoulder and tells me I owe him 50 bucks. I tell him that all I owe him is a black eye and lucky for him I don’t feel like collecting.

Thats when he pushes me.

So I stamp my foot into the ground and pushed back.

Then he started to growl.

At this point I realize that he was a bear….. a big ass, mean, giant Grizzly bear and I was pretty much fucked.

Suddenly I see this guy, Harold, coming up from the trail. Like a knight to my damsel in distress, he saw what was about to go down and he jumps in to stop it. I guess the bear didn’t see him cuz he still swiped down trying to hit me….(starts to cry) but he hits Harold instead.

It killed him instantly.

Seconds later some Rangers show up and just start shooting the bear. My wife, who is still taking pics, pushes me down to the ground and saved my ass.

She took two shots in the ass and will be off her feet a few weeks, thats what I’m dealing with now, which sucks.

More as it updates.

Are you up to date? A Tàlker99 special report

Posted on by Talker99

Welcome to the update section of Talker99.

Today we will discuss any and all changes being made to the Talker99 format and/or layout. We do this update so that you, the viewer, can and will be informed of any and all changes that might normally catch you a bit off guard.

We know that change, both big and little, can sometimes be a little off putting or frightening. We are here to guide you through even the slightest change to your normal Talker99 reading experience.

Update: Nothing

We would like to remind you that Talker99 has a sister site titled 365poems.wordpress.com

In it he tries his hand at poetry so as to better understand the style.

Backstory: Talker99 has never really been a fan of poetry. He always thought of it as a very “look at me” style of writing and it always just rubbed him wrong.

As he grew older he became slightly wiser and realized one day that this was a very close minded way of thinking.

It was at that moment that he decided to try his hand at it and see what all the fuss was about.

He then dove in to all the poetry he could find, whatever it was, he read it. Finally, a year later, he was ready.

Now you can judge him like he has judged so many others before.

365poems.wordpress.com

Seriously poetic.

Man upset by lack of readers to his blog, may cancel

Posted on by Talker99

David Timly, from Fredrick, Ohio, started his first WordPress blog today with hopes of big readership brought in by his witty commentary.

Sadly, no one cared.

“I just don’t know why they aren’t reading my stuff.” David told us by phone, “I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a good writer, it’s not professional or anything but…..my wife says it’s good.”

The rest of the Internet disagrees and the stats showcase this fact, much to Davids dismay.

His blog, which is filled with pictures of his family, some random poetry he wrote while in college and some off-putting commentary about his local grocery store (complete with bad Indian puns and a semi amusing anecdote on his hatred of chex mix), is not the literary masterpiece he believes it to be.

Only time will tell if Davids blog succeeds, but if it does, I probably won’t tell you about it.

Caillou placed in foster care after police arrest parents for child abuse

Posted on by Talker99

Caillou coming from court

Shocking allegations of child abuse and fraud have surfaced today during the pretrial for the couple known only as Mother and Father, who for years claimed that their four year old son Caillou was sick and special needs.

The couple was arrested at their home on Pine Street last April on suspicion of child endangerment but once the police started digging they found a rabbit hole that went deeper than they could have ever imagined.

Caillou was the subject of a popular reality show that showcased his perseverance and sunny outlook in his day to day activities despite his severe learning capabilities and his ongoing battle with cancer.

Or so the public was lead to believe.

According to court records the parents completely fabricated every aspect of Caillou’s life. They then used his pain to their advantage. Vacations, multi night sex parties and drug fueled weekends that would find Caillou at home alone to fend for himself.

Dr. Rob Garath, a psychologist (the only one to return our calls) had this to say, “at first glance it looks like a basic case of Munchausen syndrome but on further investigation I’m not so sure. I believe this was done solely for monetary purposes on the parents part. Its pretty fucked up”.

Caillou has been quiet on the whole ordeal since the arrest. His grandparents are trying to gain custody of the boy and his grandmother is still his soccer coach every Tuesday evening. They are to make a statement in court next week.

More as it updates.

Talker99 Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking).

The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone.

They in no way represent the thoughts and feelings of the writers at Talker99(namely me, Talker99).

After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed. This is completely normal and should not be looked upon as anything other than what it actually is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.

That was a poorly written post a few days ago.

I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it without editing it.

My thoughts on stories about midgets have always been the same, that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t) short and sexy.

What I mean is, that they should be whimsical and full of magic…… anything else and they just become a dwarf.

Yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it.

Here’s the thing…. that is way to much work.

It is so much easier to create than to decreate(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing, swang, swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey? I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize.

It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.

Wait…what?eItpPiy_bAHoqlyFo41-gw

Pokemon

Posted on by Talker99

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon is more than just a children’s card game and multi-million dollar money making animated series, it is a highly sophisticated, multinational governmental cover-up involving dozens of countries throughout the world, all of which are after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us, “some of the nations that are involved are most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over fifty Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror that was started in the early 2000’s was actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and weaponize all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation.

Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami that took over a hundred thousand lives.”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix. He then ran back to his bedroom and shut the door.

Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown.

I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

More as it develops

Woman starts Blog

Posted on by Talker99

Karen Hendricks started her blog today, http://www.CrazyTodaySaneTomorrow.wordpress.com and she promises you’re going to love it.

According to the press release, Karen, (a mother of two living in South Carolina and newly single following her divorce), decided to start the blog so she could vent her “frustrations and funstations” that her day to day life brings.

She also is hoping to fill it with weekly posts about blogging.

Topics like “how to blog”, “how not to blog”, “how to get more followers”, “what to write about on your blog”, “the importance of the like button”, and “why you should comment on others blogs”.

She will also talk a lot about “stats” and “getting your name out there so the public can find you”.

Lastly, she will be filling it with every poem she has ever written.

These will be randomly placed throughout the week when she can not figure anything else out to write, adding, “they will show the true me. Who I am both before and after the divorce. I can promise you it will be an emotional roller coaster that shows my inner workings. I’m kind of nervous because of how personal my poetry is….”

It will be the most exciting thing you’ve read until the next blog you read.

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Posted on by Talker99

Washington D.C.,

President Trump spoke this past Tuesday about how close we came to losing the Earth realm during the 2015 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters.

It’s a millennial old battle where the final outcome decides the losing realmes fate.

In order to successfully win though, the invading realm must win ten straight competitions so, usually, we have had nothing to worry about.

In 2015 we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and prized fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.

After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger.

Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, (which was to take place over three days in Outworld), got off to a rocky start when Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list.

While getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport she fell and broke her ankle.

A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when a blood test showed positive for both cocaine and steroids.

The future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened. In an event that will rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history….. Liu Kang beat them all.

He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for. Betting circles around the world placed him last and untested.

It was probably this status that helped him win.

The night of the final fight, (it’s been reported), Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome. He had started drinking heavily throughout the day and was seen passed out some two hours before the fight.

At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began….. three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious.

After taking a beating for the first two minutes and almost having the towel thrown in by his trainer, Liu stood up and showed the world his gravity defying signiture move, the flying bicycle kick.

As soon as he landed those rapid kicks to Goros chest it was all over. He then knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, shot three fireballs at him and ended with an amazing finishing move that caused Goros head to explode and arms rip completely off.

Our world, at least for now, was saved.

President Trump honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99. It in no way represents the thoughts or feelings of the staff at Talker99, just the editor….. which is the person writing the editorial…..

There’s been a lot of talk recently about scientific studies involving Dark Matter. The talks usually consist of people asking if it actually exists, how much of it is really out there and what, if anything, does it mean in regards to the creation of the known universe.

Considering I know very little about the known universe I decided to go furniture shopping.

And I must say, I really like that red couch.

Seriously, it’s a great couch. I’m not going to get it though, if I did I’d have to repaint and we all know how that will go(Talker99 tries to paint, issue 17, May 1999). I do though have a picture below for all you fans of fine furniture.

Talker99 removed the red couch photo due to copyright infringement(it was a fine photo though) Here now in its place, Puppies!

Talker99 removed the red couch photo due to copyright infringement(it was a fine photo though) Here now in its place, Puppies!

China bans Chinese Food

Posted on by Talker99

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters, mostly in rural areas, had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, we are always looking for ways to improve .

Anyway, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy.

Because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Everything we eat is Chinese food because it’s China!

But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing but Chinese food and that’s not right.

Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more. When the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have that as an option because there’s not an Olive Garden anywhere in China!

Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s an Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of. Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been heard and we are officially banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s what’s going down.

For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

Posted on by Talker99

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

International Thief Carmen Sandiego finally captured

Posted on by Talker99

One of the worlds most wanted criminals, Carmen Isabella Sandiego, has finally been caught after nearly thirty years on the run.

A joint effort between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the ACME Detective Agency is what made the arrest finally possible.

Sandiego was apprehended at LAX this morning while en route to a buyer for her latest heist, a rare Grecian Vase from the 12th century.

“For years we have sat and wondered, Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Well, today we know…. She is in jail.” Acme Detective, Sandy Dennis, (who was the lead investigator) , told reporters this morning, “Many times we were sure that we had cornered Mrs. Sandiego, but always failing one step behind and always left holding an empty hat……her empty hat.

Thanks to a tip by one of her ex-cohorts, Baron Grinnit, we were finally able to track her and arrest her.

She will be moved to an undisclosed location while awaiting trial.”

More as events unfold

The only known photo of Carmen SanDiego

The only known photo of Carmen SanDiego

funny, humor, important, media, news, satire, talker99, truth, Uncategorized

Talker99 Special Report: Pegasus

Aside | Posted on by Talker99

As everyone knows, the Unicorn is a magical and majestic horse that will appear whenever they are most needed.

For years Unicorns have been appearing here and there, helping men and women in dire straights and (usually) leading them on the path that they are destined for.

As the old saying goes, “the only thing a Unicorn can’t help is your Herpes.”

But what about the Pegasus?

They are certainly a sight to behold and a definite animal of breathtaking beauty …..

But are they really all that magical?

The answer, sadly, is no they are not.

We talked to Dick Ying, who teaches a class at Ohio State which covers both the Unicorn and Pegasus and the lore that goes with them…. this is what he told us..

“I’m here to tell you now, the Pegasus is not, and never will be, magical.

Sure, a lot of people cried magic when a Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby(Fly By Night-1996), but it just flew over the other horses, nothing else.

It’s not like it cast a spell, which would have been magic. Pegasus can’t even talk like a Unicorn. They are very limited in mental reasoning which is why they were put on the endangered list this past year.

Think about all the windows pegasus have flown into in just a five year time frame. Everyone knows at least one person who has been killed or injured by a pegasus stupidly crashing through a window.

Remember Dubai? All those people killed after that palomino pegasus flew through the top floor hotel restaurant and ignited a gas line…. Horrible. ”

_fantasy_schwarzer-Pegassus

“Fly By Night” 1996 Kentucky Derby Champ

The Little p Ranch, a bit of Hollywood History

Posted on by Talker99

Have you ever wondered where movie midgets come from?

Did you watch the Wizard of Oz and ask yourself how they got so many Dwarves in the same place, especially considering how territorial a Dwarf can be.

If you answered yes to these questions and still find yourself asking many more, then come on down to the Little p Ranch, located outside of Red Lake, Texas.

Little p has been the growth spot for Hollywoods Little Person, Dwarf, Midget or Elf that has been put on film within the last seventy-five years.

Snuggled deep in a West Texas valley, the Little p is a simple, family owned ranch that specializes in Midget cultivation and farming.

We talked to Mitch Greenberg, the owner of Little p, and he told us a bit of the ranches amazing history, “My family started this place back in 1934, back when midget farming was a relatively new idea. My great, great grandfather somehow got the contract for the Wizard of Oz shoot and the ranch was the chief trainer and supplier of dozens of type of little people throughout the filming. Judy Garland said in an interview that she kept some of the dwarves for herself when filming was wrapped and that had it not been for a well trained Shepard’s Dwarf that she worked with then she probably would have had a nervous breakdown.

Shortly thereafter we got contracts with every major studio in Hollywood and the rest is history.

Here at the ranch we grow over sixty types of little person, from the Siberian Dwadeldwarf to the rare and extremely beautiful Morocco Midget, which only grows for one week a year in June. There are other midget farms out there but none have the kind of little people we have.

Plus, the other farms sell their midgets for lab testing, we are a strictly no kill farm. A lot of people don’t understand how smart little people truly are, I couldn’t bare to see them sold if I knew they were being dissected in a high school biology class, like the Japanese do.”

If you’d like to see a little bit of Hollywood history, come down to the Little p Ranch. They’ve got group tour rates and interactive games for the kiddies. Also, if you’re seeking to adopt a little Person they do that too. For only 25 dollars you can take home a rescued Midget or Dwarf. All the proceeds go back into the shelter and helps fight the cruel sport of Midget throwing, which is practiced in most countries

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Posted on by Talker99

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

Woman writes new blog about looking for love

Posted on by Talker99

WordPressers are all abuzz over the news that a Blog written by Miranda High of Rockport, SD, will be the 50,000th WordPress site involving a woman looking for love in a major metropolitan area.

The Blog, titled “NoSexintheCityYet.wordpress.com” (itself the winner of the 4,683rd blog to use the Sex in the City type title in its header), will be, according to its author, “a humor filled journey of self discovery and love by a woman so O.C.D-ish and neurotic that men would be crazy not to want her(at least that’s what my mother says) . ”

“There will be old poems from high school, lots of complaining about how other women are against her and plenty of stories about how the guy I’m crushing on at work never notices me. Check it out.”

The Blog is scheduled to start posting tonight at around 7:15- 7:30ish

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo

Posted on by Talker99

The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity, died yesterday at the age of 43. Sadly, he was the last of his species as well.

The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties. It was soon realized that any hope to save the species was impossible after the total number recorded came to just 18 known adults living in the wild.

Conservationists rushed to support but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was then placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh.

When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter. After much hype and publicity, it finally opened in the spring of 96.

Upon arriving, Lion-O lazily looked out of his carrier and onto his new home, he then turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep.

Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction.

Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal.

Thundercats. Ho!

Talker99 Breaking News: Outbreak of Saturday Night Fever in midwest, death toll rising

Posted on by Talker99

At least 17 people in Chicago, IL have been stricken with the deadly Saturday Night Fever virus and more are expected before the night is through.

The C. D. C. Is asking that if you have symptoms related to the virus that you seek medical attention as a precaution.

James Slovack of the C. D. C had this to say, “We are trying to stop this before it gets worse, so if you are even showimg moderate symptoms, please seek medical help. This is a fast moving virus that kills, on average, 60 percent of those that contract it, with the other 40 percent unable to gain proper use of their motor skills. We need to stop this before it gets worse. ”

The virus, first discovered in the late 1970s after a midnight screening of the film its named after, seemed to destroy all it came in contact with.

The Ohio town where the first outbreak occured lost 38 percent of its population within a weeks time. The ones who survived were never the same, leaving many placed in 24 hour total care facilities.

The virus, spreads visually and quickly takes over the part of the brain that controls muscle movement. Within 2 hours of catching it the legs begin to move in a rhythmic sway. Within four hours, the hips and arms swing, lifting in unison to the legs. After 3 days of constant perpetual motion the body just collapses in exhaustion and the patient dies.

The virus is closely related to the Jungle Fever virus that broke out in the late 80s. Scientists had thought they had eradicated jungle fever until two teenagers caught the film that it had stemmed from late one night on TBS.

Luckily only four people came up sick but the C. D. C warns it could happen again.

More as it develops.

Where is Talker99 contest winner announcment!

Posted on by Talker99

A special thank you to all the readers who entered our “Where in the World is Talker99” Contest, which sent hundreds of you across thousands of miles in search of our elusive editor and chief, Talker99.

Most followed the clues we gave to his whereabouts and came extremely close to finding him but since this is a contest there can be only one true winner, that winner is……..

Samantha Ryan of Dillon, Mass

She successfully found Talker99 standing in front of the GE Building, which is home to NBC studios, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, New York.

Congratulations Samantha!

On a somber note, to the families of the ones we lost in Cairo, we truly are sorry for your loss but we never told you to go to Cairo.

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

Posted on by Talker99

Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Boy starts silent protest

Posted on by Talker99

Three year old Green Ridge, South Carolina resident Tommy Wilcox is in minute four of his silent protest which is currently underway inside his mothers Ford Mustang.

Tensions between Tommy and his mother came to a head only ten minutes earlier when he realized that they were headed someplace other than the playground.

When he inquired where they were driving to, he was told to “quiet down” and they “will be at the Grocery store in a few minutes.”

Thinking quickly, Tommy started his low pitch squeal and kick move that sometimes helped him get what he wanted, though, even he admits that it has actually been some time since it last worked.

Next he tried manipulation and annoyance.

With only a 20 percent success rate, it was a desperate and risky move that was quickly shot down by his mom in the form of a mean threat to spank him when they arrived at the store.

With his slide and swing chances dwindling by the second, Tommy realized that a silent protest would make his point heard, complete with an angry face just to drive it home.

When we arrived on the scene it seemed as Tommy was holding steady in his silence with no sign of breaking anytime soon.

We’ll keep you updated as the action unfolds.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Posted on by Talker99

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

Posted on by Talker99

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

Egypt arrested

Posted on by Talker99

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

M.I.T. Scientists discover Breasts

Posted on by Talker99

Scientists at M.I.T. have discovered that it’s possible for women over the age of eighteen to grow their breasts almost two sizes larger than their current size and without the help of surgery.

What is this new miracle confidence booster/breast enhancer for women?

It is a simple 2 step process.

Take off your shirt,

Then take off your bra(if applicable) and leave your breasts out so the air around can be absorbed into the skin.

“We have discovered,” M.I.T scientist James Harold said via phone,”that as soon as a woman turns eighteen, and that’s very important, they must be over the age of eighteen, her breasts are then susceptible to the change that can be applied by simply letting her breasts breathe.

I’ll explain….. Because of the amount of pollution that is now in our atmosphere and the different combination of gasses and chemicals that make up this pollution, as bad as some may see them, they are, ironically, perfect for breast enhancement. I could spend hours telling you what chemical compounds come into play and why some seem to work where others do not but I wont.

Just understand that if a women takes off her shirt and bra then stays outside, doing her day-to-day activities and letting the air hit her breasts, then they will become larger. We have done exhaustive research on the subject and our conclusions are sound. ……Also…. on the same page for large breasted women, if they apply this same action then they will notice that their breasts will become firmer and more perky as the weeks go by.”

Laws in 32 states are being changed or altered to now meet this new trend.

More as it develops.

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

Posted on by Talker99

Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store.

At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the men’s fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen-year-old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra-large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come out of hiding because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the food court but ultimately stuck around due to the amazing savings taking place at the Macy’s one day sale.