talker99

Where is Talker99 contest winner announcment!

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A special thank you to all the readers who entered our “Where in the World is Talker99” Contest, which sent hundreds of you across thousands of miles in search of our elusive editor and chief, Talker99.

Most followed the clues we gave to his whereabouts and came extremely close to finding him but since this is a contest there can be only one true winner, that winner is……..

Samantha Ryan of Dillon, Mass

She successfully found Talker99 standing in front of the GE Building, which is home to NBC studios, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, New York.

Congratulations Samantha!

On a somber note, to the families of the ones we lost in Cairo, we truly are sorry for your loss but we never told you to go to Cairo.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

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Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

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Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Special Words from the I.R.S.

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This was scheduled for a month ago but never posted. Conspiracy? Yes, we think so……

The following is a Public Service announcement from your friends at Talker99. This announcement to the general public is in no way affiliated with Talker99 and is brought to you only as a service as per our requirements to the WCC for licensing as stated in its rules and regulations, article 6b. For a complete list of the World Wide Webs rules and regulations for community standards, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 3786 W Houston st., New York, New York 17310.

Its tax time again and we would like to remind you that families with four or more children will always have the option of not paying. The I.R.S. recognizes your sacrifice to sanity and peace of mind, though we will also let you know that you will not be entitled to a refund either.

For those of you with more than four children, we would like to remind you that four is the maximum amount you are allowed to claim.

If you have more than four, may we suggest that you rent out the other kids to families in need of a bigger refund.

We are not saying that they keep your kids, just that they file them as dependents on their tax return. By doing this you are not only earning a little extra income for your family but you will get the peace of mind that can only come from helping out those in need, and, it’s a nice little tax right off at the same time next year.

So please, lend a kid at Tax time.

Brought to you by your friends at the Internal Revenue Service.

Boy starts silent protest

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Three year old Green Ridge, South Carolina resident Tommy Wilcox is in minute four of his silent protest which is currently underway inside his mothers Ford Mustang.

Tensions between Tommy and his mother came to a head only ten minutes earlier when he realized that they were headed someplace other than the playground.

When he inquired where they were driving to, he was told to “quiet down” and they “will be at the Grocery store in a few minutes.”

Thinking quickly, Tommy started his low pitch squeal and kick move that sometimes helped him get what he wanted, though, even he admits that it has actually been some time since it last worked.

Next he tried manipulation and annoyance.

With only a 20 percent success rate, it was a desperate and risky move that was quickly shot down by his mom in the form of a mean threat to spank him when they arrived at the store.

With his slide and swing chances dwindling by the second, Tommy realized that a silent protest would make his point heard, complete with an angry face just to drive it home.

When we arrived on the scene it seemed as Tommy was holding steady in his silence with no sign of breaking anytime soon.

We’ll keep you updated as the action unfolds.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

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Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Google Death Star to be operational by 2027

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Google, the web powerhouse that defined internet search, announced today their plans to have a fully operational Death Star built by the year 2027.

The announcement comes days after the company told us about their new public DNS service, which makes it possible for the Web Empire to know exactly what you are doing at any given time(of course they technically already do on account of Google Analytics).

This and many other forms of web services Google provides gets them one step closer to squashing the small band of online users that boldly refuse to conform to all things Google, which the company refers to as the Rebel Alliance.

The Death Star, which Google is naming the “true Google Earth”, will be a moon size space station with the capabilities of bringing a larger base of online users by linking the planet to its own massive server, ultimately providing a faster internet experience for the users and increased traffic for the webmasters.

The space station will also be equipped with a planet destroying super-weapon, which the company is down playing, saying on its blog , “Even though we are calling the weapon the Planet Killer, that’s just its development stage name. In reality we’re putting the armament there for defense against rogue comets and life destroying asteroids, two things that, as far as we know at least, no one wants around. As we at Google get closer to the final building stage we’ll be having an online contest where users will be encouraged to send in what they think would be an appropriate title for our space station, it’s going to be very exciting.”

More as it develops.

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

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A young girls tea party ended in violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously mauled the girl and her mother as they sat and talked.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia Richards(age 8) and her mother had just finished some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she did this she asked Grumpy Bear(who was sitting in the clothes hamper) if he would like to join the festivities.

Suddenly and without warning, Grumpy Bear jumped up from the hamper and attacked.

Alicia and her mother were both rushed to St. Jude’s where they are both in critical condition.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children.

Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he isn’t surprised by the bears actions, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing. No matter how adorable they are or magical they seem. Plus, this was Grumpy…. Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? His name says it all if you ask me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

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In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

World Population Update

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The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 9 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Egypt arrested

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In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

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The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his running mate, Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination. Thankfully though, his plan has never been realized.

Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country, well, everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn, told us by phone, “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results.

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

M.I.T. Scientists discover Breasts

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Scientists at M.I.T. have discovered that it’s possible for women over the age of eighteen to grow their breasts almost two sizes larger than their current size and without the help of surgery.

What is this new miracle confidence booster/breast enhancer for women?

It is a simple 2 step process.

Take off your shirt,

Then take off your bra(if applicable) and leave your breasts out so the air around can be absorbed into the skin.

“We have discovered,” M.I.T scientist James Harold said via phone,”that as soon as a woman turns eighteen, and that’s very important, they must be over the age of eighteen, her breasts are then susceptible to the change that can be applied by simply letting her breasts breathe.

I’ll explain….. Because of the amount of pollution that is now in our atmosphere and the different combination of gasses and chemicals that make up this pollution, as bad as some may see them, they are, ironically, perfect for breast enhancement. I could spend hours telling you what chemical compounds come into play and why some seem to work where others do not but I wont.

Just understand that if a women takes off her shirt and bra then stays outside, doing her day-to-day activities and letting the air hit her breasts, then they will become larger. We have done exhaustive research on the subject and our conclusions are sound. ……Also…. on the same page for large breasted women, if they apply this same action then they will notice that their breasts will become firmer and more perky as the weeks go by.”

Laws in 32 states are being changed or altered to now meet this new trend.

More as it develops.

Local man swears his girlfriend is not a Bitch

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Regardless of how Megan Reed may act, Ryan Barber, her boyfriend of four months, swears up and down that, “she really isn’t a bitch”.

Friends of Ryan would disagree though.

The conflict started after Ryan was set up on a date with Megan by a co-worker. Immediately the two hit it off and started seeing each other exclusively, much to the despair of everyone else in Ryans life.

We talked to Bryan Barber, Ryan’s brother, who told us just how much a bitch Megan really is, “she’s pretty much a Mega-bitch.”

Devon Montgomery, Ryan’s best friend of six years, had this to say, “You know when people talk about someone being bitchy and that they are walking around acting like their shit don’t stink? Well, and this is really creepy, her shit literally does not stink. I mean, I know it’s weird but her shit smells more like vanilla.

If that doesn’t tell you something then I don’t know what will.”

Megan could not be reached for comment.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

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An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.

Exclusive: Talker99 Interview

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Seeing as how this is a new season of Talker99(following the sudden cancellation of the website last year by the Powers That Be(namely Me), it was soon decided that Talker99 should be brought back after an online petition was formed on Facebook.

Nearly 6000 signatures and four lawyer meetings later we are now finally ready to start the new season….the one you are currently reading) we thought it only fitting to start off with an interview with our Editor and Chief, Talker99(formally Talker96)

As we sat down with Talker99(in an undisclosed location deep within his home) we talked endlessly about the current state of things on the website(that you are currently on)what really happened between him and Jennifer Aniston and what he thinks is the actual proper way to pronounce the word “anticipation”.

It was a fun night filled with merriment, tears and delicious cheese bread supplied by Red Lobster(sponsor).

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- Sup.

Talker99- So……another season?

Talker99- Looks that way.

Talker99- Cool.

Talker99- Cool.

(edited for time)

New post on womans blog

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Julia Campbell, writer of the Blog, mylifeinlavender.wordpress.com, came back today in full force after a week long vacation with her husband and two kids.

So enthusiastic was she that her first words on the post were, “I’m back! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but we went to visit my sick mother in Vermont and boy do I have some funny stories!”

The odd thing being that she thought anybody cared.

Bigfoot spotted in East Texas Macy’s

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Shoppers at an East Texas mall got more than just good bargains while shopping at the local Macy’s department store.

At least four customers have reported that they saw the elusive Bigfoot while they were browsing through the men’s fashion section of the store.

Sandra Williams, who was there with her sixteen-year-old son, is one of the people who witnessed the creature. She sat down with us and described what it was she saw, “We were standing in the Ralph Lauren section of the menswear looking for clearance items. Suddenly there was this awful stench of what seemed to be urine and wet leaves. I was about to go and complain when my son starts tugging at my shoulder and pointing at what I thought was just a really tall and hairy man. Then I saw his feet, they were huge! I immediately knew what it was…Bigfoot! As shocked as I was, I stood there and watched as it looked over a few short sleeve Polo shirts. After a few minutes, it picked out a red, extra-large striped Polo and then wandered off into the sporting goods section. It was simply amazing!”

At least two other customers have come forth describing their encounter with the creature. It’s believed that the creature had come out of hiding because it was possibly attracted by the scent of the food court but ultimately stuck around due to the amazing savings taking place at the Macy’s one day sale.