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Man stops Charging Grizzly

Posted on by Talker99

While camping at the Happy Place campgrounds in Barrow Falls, Alaska, Harold Harkins (of Beaverton, MN) managed to stop a charging, very pissed off Grizzly bear that was attacking. His act of bravery is what saved the rest of Larry and Laura Hartnets vacation.

Larry Hartnet, a Target manager from Butte, Montana, talked to us by phone, “Well, see me and the wife were wanting to go on the all inclusive bear tour during our trip. We paid for it and it’s all the wife could talk about on the way up here.

Just nonstop yapping about how she(begins to mimic his wife laura in a annoying, high pitched voice) just can’t wait to see the bears. Oooooo, the bears are gonna be so pretty and majestic. Do you think we’ll see a bear? What if we can’t see a bear? Bear. Bear. Bear…. (stops imitating)

I swear to Christ it was all I freakin’ heard,

Anyways, we get there and the first night, no bears.

The second night, no freakin’ bears.

I thought my wife was gonna bust she was actin’ so upset. Well, I get wind of another bear tour that drives a group of us up into the mountain, puts some dead animal or fish out in the open and waits there till one comes walkin’.

It was freakin’ perfect! Anything to get her trap from freakin’ talkin’ bout those dumb ass bears!

So I tell the wife about it and we drive up to where the tour is supposed to leave. Trouble was we get there exactly ten minutes too late! The freakin’ tour thingy already left! Thats when the water works came…..oh Jesus, I swear I wanted a bear to show just so it could eat her, she was crying so much.

Suddenly I hear a “pssst, pssst”, coming from behind me. I turn around and it’s a freakin’ aww inspiring-like Grizzly Bear! Totally brown and bear-like and he’s just looking me dead in the eye, kinda mean muggin’ me….. Then I see that he’s trying to call me over, kinda wavin’ at me with his big bear paws. It was freakin’ crazy!

So I walk up and he starts askin’ if we want to see the bears….and that he can show us more bears if we want. Then he starts to explain the deals he has and the prices. We haggled a few minutes and me an the wife decided on package number 1, which involved us following him up to his place.

Once there we would be allowed to sit and watch him in his natural environment. Total package was for about $150. A little pricey but well worth it to get the wife to shut up.

So we follow the fucker up into the hills for about ten minutes and all is fine. Suddenly he just stops and turns to me and says he wants the money up front.

Well, I ain’t sure if this bear is on the level so I say I’ll pay half now, half after. I mean, I don’t know this bear, he could just take off if he gets the money and then where would I be? Up shit creek, thats where!

I could tell though that the bear wasn’t having it and he starts to get all pissy. His attitude just rubbed me wrong and we start to argue.

This goes on for a few minutes and then he starts to just walk away, throwing his paws up as he does. As he gets past me I just snap like a twig and I tell him to fuck off.

He suddenly stops dead in his tracks and the whole forest, well, it just gets weirdly quiet. Then he turns around, looks me square in the eyes and says, “what the fuck did you just say?”

I looked right back and said, “F. U. C. K. Y. O. U…..does a bear spell in the woods? No? Well let me read it for you…” I then stuck up both middle fingers and yelled, “FUCK YOU!”

The shit pretty much hit the fan at this point.

He starts screaming at me, calling me every name he can think of. Thats when my wife just starts crying, real loud, heaving sobs, but amazingly, she is snappin’ pictures the entire time.

I decided to be the bigger man and say fuck it and walk away but he grabs my shoulder and tells me I owe him 50 bucks. I tell him that all I owe him is a black eye and lucky for him I don’t feel like collecting.

Thats when he pushes me.

So I stamp my foot into the ground and pushed back.

Then he started to growl.

At this point I realize that he was a bear….. a big ass, mean, giant Grizzly bear and I was pretty much fucked.

Suddenly I see this guy, Harold, coming up from the trail. Like a knight to my damsel in distress, he saw what was about to go down and he jumps in to stop it. I guess the bear didn’t see him cuz he still swiped down trying to hit me….(starts to cry) but he hits Harold instead.

It killed him instantly.

Seconds later some Rangers show up and just start shooting the bear. My wife, who is still taking pics, pushes me down to the ground and saved my ass.

She took two shots in the ass and will be off her feet a few weeks, thats what I’m dealing with now, which sucks.

More as it updates.

Dora the explorer missing

Posted on by Talker99

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to check in after their hike up Green Mountain.

Despite Green Mountain being known as difficult terrain, Dora and Boots were both accomplished outdoorsman who(between the two) had logged over 500 hours up and down it’s trails.

According to sources, they had left in the early morning in hope of finding a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her hike.

No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case.

As are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there.

One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper.

The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth.

More as it updates.

Talker99 Editorial

Posted on by Talker99

The following is an editorial from Talker99(He’s not just good-looking, he’s really good-looking).

The thoughts and feelings represented here are strictly his and his alone.

They in no way represent the thoughts and feelings of the writers at Talker99(namely me, Talker99).

After reading this you may feel dizzy or light-headed. This is completely normal and should not be looked upon as anything other than what it actually is(light headedness, dizziness, arousal). Thank you.

That was a poorly written post a few days ago.

I’m not making excuses because, well, you don’t deserve excuses. I just went back and reread the midget post and I don’t know why I even published it without editing it.

My thoughts on stories about midgets have always been the same, that they should be just like a midget(if they existed, which they don’t) short and sexy.

What I mean is, that they should be whimsical and full of magic…… anything else and they just become a dwarf.

Yes, I will agree that instead of writing this I should have probably just gone back to work on it.

Here’s the thing…. that is way to much work.

It is so much easier to create than to decreate(it should be a word, like swang, as in swing, swang, swung) so why don’t you just go back to washing dishes honey? I’ll stick to the man stuff, like working.

I realize that may have been a little sexist and for that I do apologize.

It’s just that sometimes you gots to put a bitch in her place.

Again, I apologize, that was not only sexist but it felt like the right thing to say.

Wait…what?eItpPiy_bAHoqlyFo41-gw

Kingston Falls: Could it happen again?

Posted on by Talker99

It’s the forty year anniversary of the tragedy that took place on Christmas Eve in Kingston Falls, New York and we as a people were completely unprepared for the horror that night brought.

We sat with Peter Davis, (a Professor at the University of Houston where he teaches a course on the subject) and he talked with us on how that day forever changed us and why we need to be prepared so that it won’t happen again.

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

Many say this is the creature that started it all but scientists have yet to find any proof

.

“The Kingston Falls Creatures, or the “KFC” as most call them, were like nothing we had ever seen.

These were creatures who basically lived for destruction. They only ate after midnight, were allergic to bright light, especially sun light, and multiplied if touched by water.

They were like no other animal.

Their sole purpose seemed to be mayhem and chaos.

On the same page though, here were creatures that showed great intelligence and interest in the world around them. Normally, if an animal has some sense of reasoning behind the eyes then there is usually compassion as well.

These creatures had a complete disregard for life and took no hesitation in killing whatever was in front of them….They were and still are the most fascinating creatures.”

Photo taken by a Gremlin during the night of the tragedy

Photo taken by a KFC during the night of the tragedy

“In almost one night these creatures were able to wipe an entire town off the face of the Earth. No man, woman or child was spared in their havoc.

Conspiracy theorists will tell you that a similar fate befell the Clapton building in New York a few years later but that still has yet to be proven.”

Continued on page 147.

Woman starts Blog

Posted on by Talker99

Karen Hendricks started her blog today, http://www.CrazyTodaySaneTomorrow.wordpress.com and she promises you’re going to love it.

According to the press release, Karen, (a mother of two living in South Carolina and newly single following her divorce), decided to start the blog so she could vent her “frustrations and funstations” that her day to day life brings.

She also is hoping to fill it with weekly posts about blogging.

Topics like “how to blog”, “how not to blog”, “how to get more followers”, “what to write about on your blog”, “the importance of the like button”, and “why you should comment on others blogs”.

She will also talk a lot about “stats” and “getting your name out there so the public can find you”.

Lastly, she will be filling it with every poem she has ever written.

These will be randomly placed throughout the week when she can not figure anything else out to write, adding, “they will show the true me. Who I am both before and after the divorce. I can promise you it will be an emotional roller coaster that shows my inner workings. I’m kind of nervous because of how personal my poetry is….”

It will be the most exciting thing you’ve read until the next blog you read.

Liu Kang recognized for heroic work in Mortal Kombat

Posted on by Talker99

Washington D.C.,

President Trump spoke this past Tuesday about how close we came to losing the Earth realm during the 2015 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all.

For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters.

It’s a millennial old battle where the final outcome decides the losing realmes fate.

In order to successfully win though, the invading realm must win ten straight competitions so, usually, we have had nothing to worry about.

In 2015 we had lost nine straight.

In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and prized fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.

After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger.

Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him to this day.

The tournament, (which was to take place over three days in Outworld), got off to a rocky start when Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list.

While getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport she fell and broke her ankle.

A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when a blood test showed positive for both cocaine and steroids.

The future of Earthrealm was bleak at best.

Then the most amazing thing happened. In an event that will rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history….. Liu Kang beat them all.

He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for. Betting circles around the world placed him last and untested.

It was probably this status that helped him win.

The night of the final fight, (it’s been reported), Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome. He had started drinking heavily throughout the day and was seen passed out some two hours before the fight.

At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began….. three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious.

After taking a beating for the first two minutes and almost having the towel thrown in by his trainer, Liu stood up and showed the world his gravity defying signiture move, the flying bicycle kick.

As soon as he landed those rapid kicks to Goros chest it was all over. He then knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, shot three fireballs at him and ended with an amazing finishing move that caused Goros head to explode and arms rip completely off.

Our world, at least for now, was saved.

President Trump honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

China bans Chinese Food

Posted on by Talker99

China announced today that it will no longer be making Chinese food after discovering that most, if not all, of the countries billion and a half citizens are more than a little sick of eating it night after night.

Chinese President, Xi Jinping, had this to say during his daily high definition television announcement(since China has already converted to hi-def t.v’s, years ago the ones that failed to get converters, mostly in rural areas, had to listen on the radio), “Recently we held our annual Best of China, Worst of China poll so as to better understand the ways, needs and wants of your average People’s Republic Worker in the modern age. While we mostly got some pretty positive feedback on how we’ve handled things these past few years, we are always looking for ways to improve .

Anyway, like I said, mostly positive stuff, but of course we do this poll, not for the good, but because we care to know what you think we are doing wrong so that we can fix it and make you all happy.

Because that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day, you guys and galls of China. Now, thankfully there weren’t that many complaints, a few of you numbskulls in Hong kong joked that we should give the city back to England but we knew you were only kidding, so it’s cool. But the main thing we got from yall was about how you’re sick of eating bad Chinese takeout every night.

Now, I’ll admit, at first we all just kind of laughed at these requests, saying to ourselves, We’re freakin Chinese people living in China! Everything we eat is Chinese food because it’s China!

But, after really thinking about it, you’re right, we have nothing but Chinese food and that’s not right.

Don’t believe me? Go to McDonalds in Beijing and they have noodles, rice and sauce on a sesame seed bun, it’s called a China Mac…. It’s pathetic. We should Have more. When the Americans go to Olive Garden, they say they had Italian, not American. We don’t even have that as an option because there’s not an Olive Garden anywhere in China!

Trust me I looked that shit up! There’s an Olive Empress, which I’ve never even heard of. Ju Ping, my cousin, swears up and down that it’s a smoke shop but I’m not sure if I believe him…….anyway, yeah, not one fucking Olive Garden! What kind of shit is that?!

So here’s what’s gonna happen people, your words have been heard and we are officially banning Chinese food…that feels so weird saying that….but that’s what’s going down.

For the next six months no more egg rolls, no more orange chicken and certainly no more white fucking rice.

You happy now Peoples Republic? You spoke, we listened, Xi out….peace!”

WordPress Blog gets new adult rating

Posted on by Talker99

The usually family friendly WordPress blog, Views from my Subaru, was hit hard today with comments asking the creator of the site to tone down the language after he accidentally typed the word “fuck” instead of the usual, fu*k, which is only readable by those over the age of 18.

Considered to be a more PG-13 style site, Views from my Subaru was upgraded to R after receiving too many complaints from unhappy readers.

Miranda Fellowship, a long time Subaru reader and mother of two, had this to say, “I was shocked when I read it. I mean, I read that site to my kids and to think that they could have heard me read that word aloud sends chills down my spine.

Now I have to actually actively watch what my kids read just in case something like that gets out there again. Its appalling.”

“Everyone knows that you can’t write the word fuck and expect to get away with it,” says professional commenter, Daryl Speedman, “because that kind of language is unacceptable for your everyday family site.

Kids see those kinds of words and their minds just get fried. It becomes all about sex and violence and sex once that shit crosses a kids eyes.

In order for those words to not reach them you gotta put a # symbol or any other type thingy in a letters place.

That way the bad words go unread because kids and teens don’t have the mental capabilities to place a C or a U where the * is. I don’t know why this is, I just know that it is.”

And now welcome our very special guest, Mr Tony Danza.

“Hey, Tony Danza here, speaking on behalf of Talker99. He knows that today’s post was not his best work. It could have used a little more work in the final execution and probably a little less foul language. I ain’t gotta tell you how many episodes of Who’s the Boss we did where we all said the same thing at the end of the day but you want to know something? People forgave us week after week and still tuned in to see us! So yeah, today’s post was a lot like a crap episode of Who’s the Boss…….. I say that’s cool by me and I’m Tony Danza.

Talker99 vs. Dr Seuss

Posted on by Talker99

Here goes nothing……

(Untitled, it was really hard to come up with a Seuss like title)

On a day like today

At the Airport Garoo

Young Henry sat dreaming

For a minute or two.

Then his uncle walked up

and said “Henry, we’re next”

“Our plane will be boarding”

“Why look so perplexed?”

I’m just sitting here thinking

about planes and where they all go?

I mean- look at them all…..

wouldn’t you like to know?

How often and when-

and where do they fly?

How much time do they spend-

up in that sky?

Do they fly to those places

Further than you and I know

Do they fly to those places-

just where do they go?

By my count a plane-

takes flight each minute at least

Some will head west

and some just head east

Ill bet one or two of those planes

go to the island of Tup

Where each house is all pink

and the farms all farm Shupp

I’ll bet they fly far

Farther than you and I’ve ever been

Like that one place I read of

Though I can’t tell you when

It was a place that’s called Stuudle

On the island of Brike

A place that I promise

You and I wouldn’t like

Every day until nightfall

The Stuudle’s carry water uphill

Then back down to fetch more

Chanting, “There’s a way, there’s a will.”

See the town of Stuudle

Sits on the Mountain Van-upt

Which is really volcanic

And any day will erupt

So they carry the water

And pour it out to-

The mountains hot steamy center

In hopes the lava wont spew

But the planes must fly farther

Past the places we’ll ever go

Where the Summers are Winters

To a place like FahShow

Since their Winters are Summers

Their Fall must be Spring

Cuz their Daytime’s our Nighttime

And their Queen is their King

Fly much further out there

And the Planes reach the end of the line

Which suits all the Pilots

And Stewards just fine

Further out in the world

I think lives few people there

Mostly scientists and loners

If you really do care

There are small towns like Readsies

In the Country of Prup

The only place known

To eat Tups Farmed Shupp

Way out further still

Is the Island of Zinn

Where a strange tribe all lives there

Whose names are all Ken

Then there’s Valloompa and Stoompa

and Yango and Flive

Where wild three footed animals

Just might eat you alive

Thankfully though

All those planes have flown by

And our plane just goes home

We’ll soon be up in the sky

Now the next plane that’s leaving

From the Airport Garoo

Takes us home from our trip

Where we might just see you

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Posted on by Talker99

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

Posted on by Talker99

The Chickasaw Tribe, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for much of the imagery and lore about Native Americans.

They are also the creators of the Indian Burn,(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually even are.

It all began last month after Ancestry.com chose the tribe for their “Your History, Guaranteed” promotional campaign, which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years when it came to anyone’s history.

To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe. Since most tribes didn’t keep records it would certainly be an impressive feat if they succeeded.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made.

Not only was the challenge a success but Ancestry.com was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began.

The Chickasaws had always believed their origin area to have been somewhere in Southern Oklahoma…..They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land. It borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these villages named Chickasaw, would ” eventually have it’s villagers leave their land in hope of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”.

At least that’s what Ancestry.com found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding.

Read more in the newest edition of USA Todays article, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians.

North Koreans to unveil Death Ray

Posted on by Talker99

North Korea is planning to unveil it’s “hush hush, super top secret Proton Death Ray by mid-March, maybe mid-June” of next year, Kim Jong-un (The Jongster as he’s known in most circles) said by phone Tuesday night.

“We are planning to give those Iranians and their Super Sonic Mind Control Force Field a definite run for their money. And look out Russia, with your Weather Doppler Windy Shonisticia, you ain’t got nothing on us. Soon we will rule the world because we now have Death Ray.”

I then asked who was speaking and he said Kimmy Jong from North Korea. I told him I thought he might have dialed the wrong number. He then asked if he had called 512-456-9372? I replied “no, this was 9732.”

There was a brief silence, some heavy breathing, a muffled “shit” and then he hung up the phone.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Posted on by Talker99

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

Posted on by Talker99

Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

Posted on by Talker99

Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Jungle Fever outbreak in Midwest leaves two dead

Posted on by Talker99

An outbreak of Jungle Fever has struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously ill.

Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm.

Jungle Fever stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee’s films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Salmonella and the Girl 6 e coli.

It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection.

The CDC is still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.