poem

Are you up to date? A Tàlker99 special report

Posted on by Talker99

Welcome to the update section of Talker99.

Today we will discuss any and all changes being made to the Talker99 format and/or layout. We do this update so that you, the viewer, can and will be informed of any and all changes that might normally catch you a bit off guard.

We know that change, both big and little, can sometimes be a little off putting or frightening. We are here to guide you through even the slightest change to your normal Talker99 reading experience.

Update: Nothing

We would like to remind you that Talker99 has a sister site titled 365poems.wordpress.com

In it he tries his hand at poetry so as to better understand the style.

Backstory: Talker99 has never really been a fan of poetry. He always thought of it as a very “look at me” style of writing and it always just rubbed him wrong.

As he grew older he became slightly wiser and realized one day that this was a very close minded way of thinking.

It was at that moment that he decided to try his hand at it and see what all the fuss was about.

He then dove in to all the poetry he could find, whatever it was, he read it. Finally, a year later, he was ready.

Now you can judge him like he has judged so many others before.

365poems.wordpress.com

Seriously poetic.

Dora the explorer missing

Posted on by Talker99

Dora the Explorer, the famed six-year-old archaeologist, was reported missing yesterday after she and her assistant Boots failed to check in after their hike up Green Mountain.

Despite Green Mountain being known as difficult terrain, Dora and Boots were both accomplished outdoorsman who(between the two) had logged over 500 hours up and down it’s trails.

According to sources, they had left in the early morning in hope of finding a baby condors lost parents.

Dora, looking smug

Dora, looking smug

Police are being quiet about the details of the investigation but our sources are telling us that Diego, Doras animal rescue cousin, was called into police headquarters late last night for questioning about his whereabouts at the time of her hike.

No charges were filed but he is definitely a person of interest in the ongoing case.

As are the explorers own parents who are now being investigated by Child Protective Services for neglect.

“That kid was never seen with her parents,” a neighbor told us by phone, “she’d be out willy nilly all hours of the night. Just her an that god-damned monkey(Boots) crossing rickety bridges, white water rafting in crocodile infested rivers and walking around asking questions to people who were not even there.

One time I saw her look up at a wall, ask it how many apples it could count up above her head, tell it that it did a great job and then proceed to sing some song about how they did it……it was the creepiest shit I ever saw.”

Police are asking for help in giving any information that may lead to Doras whereabouts. They are also asking to be on the lookout for a masked Fox who goes by the name of Swiper.

The Fox, whose real name is Tony Stuccato, was often seen lingering around Dora and Boots on many occasions and has been linked to the Green River Murder case in recent past where he was one of multiple suspects in the investigation, though no charges were ever brought forth.

More as it updates.

Talker99 Looks Ahead: Halloween

Posted on by Talker99

Due to the overwhelming viewer response to the Talker99 Looks Back series, we at Talker99 thought that it might be enjoyable for you(the reader) to read one of the companion pieces to Looks Back, imaginatively titled: LooksAhead. We would like to remind you that the Looks Ahead series that you(the reader) are about to read is still in beta testing. What this means is that it is an untested and unfinished product and Talker99 is not responsible nor liable for anything that may come from its use. Proceed with care and caution. Thank you.

October 31st has long been more than just another day, it has also been Halloween.

All Hallows Eve

Witches night

The End of October

Fat Tuesday

These are just some of the many names the dark night has been called(also known as Batman). Why is it so important and why should you care?

What kind of retched history can this so called “Halloween” have and, more importantly, why does it involve candy?

Well kiddies, sit back and I shall tell you the horrifying history of Halloween(actually, I’m not going to tell you a whole history, more like some random facts. They will be about Halloween though, not necessarily horrifying but Halloween none-the-less)

Halloween was started in the year 1972(the year of the Lord)

Candy, which has long been an instrument of the Devil(on account of it being so tasty) was chosen to represent Halloween over the Devils other instrument, the Flute.

The idea to actually give children the candy was decided after finding that no one knew what to do with all the candy they had brought.

George Clooney is on record as being the first trick- or- treater(he dressed as a ghost).

The first recorded Bob for Apples game was at George and Marcy’s 1983 Key Party(invitation only) in Tampa Bay, Florida. The term Bob for Apples took on a decidedly different meaning there, and it was during the month of August.

Brad Pitts birthday falls on Halloween(though he changed it once he became a star).

The song the Monster Mash was in fact a graveyard smash.

Other notable celebs with Halloween births are: Mary Kate Olsen, Tiger Woods, Frank Stallone, The Devil, Will Ferrell, Richard Simmons, Balthazar Getty, Adult film legend Tera Patrick, Marky Mark, the cast of Greys Anatomy, Bill Clinton, the voice of the Kool aid man, Ted Danson and the dog from Beethoven.

Happy Halloween.

Pokemon

Posted on by Talker99

Minneapolis, Mn

For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon is more than just a children’s card game and multi-million dollar money making animated series, it is a highly sophisticated, multinational governmental cover-up involving dozens of countries throughout the world, all of which are after the one prize of catching them all

“Oh yes,” Henry told us, “some of the nations that are involved are most definitely enemies of the state. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over fifty Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that the whole war on terror that was started in the early 2000’s was actually nothing more than a ruse…..(he takes a dramatic pause and looks away at the wall, then his cat, then back to me)…. a ruse to capture and weaponize all remaining Pokemon that are living within the mountains of the Afghan Nation.

Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami that took over a hundred thousand lives.”

As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry then handed me a card with a picture of a creature named Steelix. He then ran back to his bedroom and shut the door.

Nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, He then tells me it’s the same one in the card I was shown.

I looked it over and as soon as I realized he wasn’t lying, I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast…….I mean I was fucking gone! My heart was pounding out of my chest almost! It was crazy….. I just don’t even know how to explain what I saw….I ju….I just know….(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!”

More as it develops

Elvis Presley found alive but excitement is short lived

Posted on by Talker99

Fans of Elvis Presley were both excited and saddened today as news of The King, who was thought to have died in 1977, had been found alive inside a Louisville, Kentucky mall.

The news of Elvis’s apparent resurrection was short lived when approximately fifteen minutes later he was pronounced dead after suffering a stroke.

The mystery behind the death of Elvis has long been a topic of much debate, but had mostly died out in the recent years on account that most thought it was a stupid topic.

Jerry Cantro, who runs the website http://www.Elvisiseverywhere.org, a website devoted to Elvis sightings and Elvis memorabilia, had this to say, “I told you Elvis was alive. None of you believed me when I said I saw Elvis back in 1983. He was at the Grand Rapids, Michigan movie theater walking into the Jaws 3-D screening. I told you so. You all just laughed, only Weekly world News believed me………screw you people.”

The couple that spotted him in the mall, Jonathan and Judy Hogan from Clearwaters, Florida, would not talk to us directly but released a statement to the press saying that they are very saddened by the sudden loss of an American icon and when they spotted him buying a Cushioned Sleep Mask in the Brookstone store, he looked well and not in any way unhealthy.

He will be missed again.

Seats going fast for Talker99 event

Posted on by Talker99

Seats are limited but you can still get one IF YOU HURRY!

“Seats? Where am I needing to sit?”

TALKER99 2025!!!!

Its a three day event that will teach YOU how to write and blog until your dreams come true….

1st day: BE A BLOGSTAR…..

Non stop workshops and seminars dedicated to all things BLOG.

You will learn from the master himself, TALKER99, plus many other bloggers that have dedicated their entire existence onto the artform that is BLOGGING.

In attendance will be Angela Rothschild(Blogright.wordpress.com)

Micheal Morris(blognow.wordpress.com)

Sir Anthony Swiss(blogroyal.wordpress.com

And so many more.

2nd fanfuckingtastic day…..

TALKER99 slows the steam train down a bit so as to talk about followers….

In a one on one setting that everyone can attend, the mystro tells YOU, yes, YOU, how you can be just like him in a few short months and have a awesome following of 150 people!

Imagine, YOU , yes You, can have people read your shit on an almost every other maybe day! What’s next? Fame? Fortune? Who the fuck knows!!!

3rd day…..

Brunch.

Reserve that shit now!

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

Posted on by Talker99

The Chickasaw Tribe, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for much of the imagery and lore about Native Americans.

They are also the creators of the Indian Burn,(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually even are.

It all began last month after Ancestry.com chose the tribe for their “Your History, Guaranteed” promotional campaign, which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years when it came to anyone’s history.

To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe. Since most tribes didn’t keep records it would certainly be an impressive feat if they succeeded.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made.

Not only was the challenge a success but Ancestry.com was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began.

The Chickasaws had always believed their origin area to have been somewhere in Southern Oklahoma…..They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land. It borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these villages named Chickasaw, would ” eventually have it’s villagers leave their land in hope of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”.

At least that’s what Ancestry.com found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding.

Read more in the newest edition of USA Todays article, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians.

1 out of 50 people are living with Gymnastics: a Talker99 Special Report

Posted on by Talker99

Kerri Potts, age thirteen, contemplates her next move. Usually on a day like today, Kerri would avoid the cafeteria at her school in Rockport, New Hampshire and just walk straight to class, the problem she finds herself in though……

is that she really wants a bananna.

She sits silently for a moment, looks towards me and then the door….. Suddenly she springs forward, does a front handspring through the cafeteria doors, twists to the right, shakes her hips, backwards somersault, cartwheel, cartwheel again, ariel walkover(quite impressive), split leap, back handstand, flip and bow. She then grabs a bananna, turns, cartwheel, roundoff, split leap, splits and bow to no one then runs out the door. It was amazing and frightening all at once.

Everyone in the cafeteria then went back to talking as if nothing happened. My look of shock caught the attention of two girls who asked me why I looked the way I did. After stating that I had never seen someone with Gymnastics in everyday life they giggled and said,”just wait, her lunchtime show was always better”.

Young Kerri is not alone in her inspiring grief. She is just one of many who are currently diagnosed with Gymnastics, a neurological muscle disease that affects 1 out of 50 Americans.

With just a small donation of mere pennies a day, you can be young Kerris savior. Every donation goes right towards the study and, hopefully, cure that can end this debilitating muscle toning disease.

Wont it feel good to know that you were a part of the cure.

Kerri is counting on you….

Reviewable

Posted on by Talker99

For a limited time only you can become the person you were born to be….

Hey there, let me ask you a question…. How often do you find yourself on the world wide web? Daily? Hourly?

Now, with a show of hands how many of you find yourself reading sites just like this one while online?

Wow, that’s a lot of hands….

Last question…. During all that time and after viewing all those sites, how many would rate those sites worthy of a return visit?

By the expressions on your faces I would say not very many(laughter).

What if I told you that you could have saved hours, days or even weeks of your time? If only there was a system in place to warn you about those awful sites….

What would that be worth to you?

That’s right, a lot…..

(leans in close, gets real quiet) What if I told you that YOU can be that person….YOU can be that hero that I know is lurking inside you!

If you like judging people…. If you live to criticize….. If YOU have shit to say….

Then please make Talker99 your place to say it…..

Your feedback on the current state of Talker99 is greatly appreciated.

What works? What doesn’t? What would you like to see in the future?

Knowledge is half the battle…..

My first review i ever gave was on Talker99. Shortly after writing it I was cast as the lead in High School Musical for the Disney channel. That one review changed my life. Thanks Talker99.

Zac Efron, Vanity Fair, 2015

Posh spice holding a picture of Talker99

Civil War reenactment leaves 36 dead and the South in charge

Posted on by Talker99

Swinton, Virginia

The Battle of Bucksdrop Ridge has long been remembered as a turning point in the Civil war.

The battle took place on April 2nd, 1862 and is known as the “place where the South started its fall” due to the significant amount of casualties the Confederates took(estimated 12000 dead and wounded).

It was this battle that bred the start of the Northern command Ulysses S. Grants well known legend.

Every year as a show of respect to those lost in this great war the town of Swinton holds its annual reenactment. It is a fun time for both the casual observer and the hardened civil war buff….and the outcome is always the same….

Until today.

We regret to inform that todays reenactment, though hard fought by all involved, was not won by the North.

Reports are still coming in but we do know that at least 36 are dead and the Southern Confederacy has taken control of the hill.

They were last seen marching north towards the Capitol and had begun to split into two camps.

Civil war reenactors from at least three states have started securing their boarders, though at presstime we are unsure which Grant reenactor will be in charge.

We will update as it develops.