Talker99

The face of the famous investigative firm, Mystery Inc. ,was killed today when one of its employees accidently backed over him while driving the company van.

Scooby Doo, a four year old, brown Great Dane, had been with the team since it’s inception and seemed to have really enjoyed the attention it brought.

Mystery Inc. became famous for their ability to sniff out fraudulent, supposed haunted attractions such as the case that gave them international fame, the case of the cursed cruise.

That well known investigation saw the team take on a haunted cruise liner.

The ship had been losing money due to lack of tourists and rumors had spread claiming the ship was being haunted by a giant, demonic owl creature.

The Mystery Inc team was able to prove that the haunting was a ruse brought on by a bitter ex employee.

Old Mike Mcready had a long standing grudge against the ship since being fired the summer before. He was sentenced to six years for his involvement.

After that the team shot to fame and fortune. Scooby Doo became so popular even that at one point he was receiving 20,000 letters from fans a day.

He even got his own dog treats named Scooby Snacks which are sold on most store shelves still today

A statement was released by the team this morning, in it they talked about what this means for the company and what the future holds.

“Scooby Doo was, above all else, a good dog. Many of the high profile cases we’ve worked would never have been solved had it not been for a careless mistake made by Scooby. We are all going to take time to deal with this sudden loss and hope to come out stronger because of it. We request that you respect our privacy during this time. Thank you. ”

Scooby Doo(pictured in back left) sitting in the very van that would eventually kill him

Reminder: 48 hours until Opposite Day

With less than 48 hours to go until the start of the annual Opposite Day, city officials are working overtime to secure all banking institutions and government buildings for a smooth return to normalcy after the event.

For those not wishing to partake on Opposite day festivities, you are being reminded to stay indoors and secure all points of entry to your home.

Protests have been springing up all over the nation this past week asking for an end to Opposite Day but they have fallen on deaf ears.

The protesters, who have been dubbed, Oppositioners, are calling for every city to have a silent vigil an hour before the start of O. D. so as to remember those that lost their lives in last years festivities.

Critics of the Oppositioners are being very vocal about how foolhardy of an idea this is on account that it gives people a very limited amount of time to get home and prepare.

As a safety reminder, Opposite Day takes place over a 24 hour period and allows all involved to do the exact opposite of their regular behavior, even murder.

Be safe, be aware, be Vigilante.

Woman receives late night wrong number

Brenda Moore, a resident of Huxley, Iowa, was awoken last night at 2 A.M. to the sound of her phone ringing.

When she finally picked it up she found herself speaking to Cthulhu, the Great Old One who lived many ages before there were men.

The call, which lasted all of thirty seconds, was a simple dialing error on the part of Cthulhu(pronounced Kt-tol-ulhu), who was looking for a number ending with 364 but had mistakenly dialed 643 instead.

We talked to Brenda about the call and she told us that The Great Old One who is a monster the size of a mountain, “were nothing but nice, and once they realized their mistake were full of apologies.” She then added, “It was the exact opposite of what I thought Cthulhu would be like, especially since he has a heart that is the darkness and which has always been…. Plus I had no idea he would be British.”

July 4th….the Worlds holiday

“Happy 4th of July”

It’s a saying said round the world and spoken in every language. From Bob in India to Carol in Nigeria, everyone coming together to celebrate our independence.

When the aliens first arrived back in July of 96, many had hoped that they came in peace. That hope was short lived when suddenly and without warning they attacked, killing millions and reducing whole cities to nothing but piles of rubble.

That was on July 2nd, 1996.

On July 3rd we took the fight to them.

Every nation around the world sent the best their country had to offer straight into the fire. It was one of the largest coordinated attacks ever attempted by the military but it became the single greatest Intel blunder the world had ever seen.

“We sent those fighter pilots to their graves that day and it never should have happened.” Rich Garcia, July fourth expert and historian explained,

“We sent them in there knowing full well we couldn’t beat the aliens. The alien tech was too advanced and our military was simply not able to handle the fight. At least that’s what was thought at the time.

Years later we found out through declassified documents that we knew exactly what the aliens had. The powers involved kept it quiet though and in doing so they murdered millions more.

One of the alien ships crashed in the forties and we had been reverse engineering their tech ever since. It was so top secret the military didn’t even know about it

Until it was too late.”

We still had one more weapon at our disposal but it’s impact would be at a great cost.

“No one in their right mind would ever consider to drop a nuclear weapon, especially not on our own soil….but that’s exactly what we did.” Shirley Draven, Independence historian told us by phone,

“At 9:15 p.m. July 3rd, we did the unthinkable and dropped a 40 ton warhead in the center of Houston, Texas……it’s just a wasteland now, uninhabitable until 2120.

And it had zero effect on the aliens…..just sad really.”

Continued on page 8.

Bible 2 announced

Posted on July 4 by Talker99

Santa Monica, California

God, in all his Glory, announced Tuesday that he is planning a sequel to his best selling novel of all time, “The Bible”, titled, “Bible 2”.

God took the time to sit down and tell me what the sequel is about and why exactly it took hundreds of years to complete.
“The story will take place ten years in the future. Jesus, now living in a Tibetan monastery and studying the wisdom of Buddha, has become more self reliant and sure of his place in the universe. He is also happily dating a local Orthodontist named Kristen.

It seems like the prodigal son finally is at peace with the world around him so he starts to let his hair down a bit.

He also finds he rather enjoys being out of the limelight. He especially loves living in a place that could care less who he is and enjoys just walking around town and not being constantly asked for a miracle.

All those years of carrying the sins of mankind were a bit much for him and this Jesus is a much more war torn and weary savior.

Gone is the Jesus of old, the forgiving Jesus if you will….no, this Jesus is much more cynical and distant.

Of course the little happiness that he does have is fleeting and trouble comes in a hellish way when the Devil comes back to settle a score.

Jesus must then gather up his posse of apostles and fight to save all he loves.

Its part redemption tale and part action adventure with a bit of romance thrown in for good measure.

The reason for such the long wait was simple….I had no idea where to go with the story. (he starts to laugh, a big, booming laugh that causes the lights in our office to flicker on and off) Once I had the initial plot line though it just flowed out of me and I wrote it within a week. I know the fans will love it.”

Look for this and Gods upcoming autobiography, “The Divine Light and the Creation of Me” coming this year, both from Bantom Publishing.

Camp Crystal Lake to reopen next summer

Posted on July 4 by Talker99

Despite the number of unsolved murders that have taken place within the last 30 years, the owners of Camp Crystal Lake Summer Learning Adventure are vowing to “try one last time” and reopen to the public.

The camp has seen over 114 murders take place in and around its campground. The victims, mostly young camp counselors, are routinely picked off and killed one by one over the course of the two weeks that the camp is in use.

Throughout the many openings and revamps of the camp, there is usually only one counselor left alive, usually female, and they always claim to have killed the same masked man.

It must be noted that no trace of the murderer is usually found once the police do their investigation.

The one exception to this strange case is the one that started it all. The counselor, found alone in a rowboat on the lake, claimed that a woman was to blame for the murders.

When police went to the location of the supposed murderers body they found that the head had been removed and only a torso remained.

After a thorough search the head was never recovered and the case was left open.

Despite these setbacks the camp is set to open again next summer and they are making the claim that it will be a safer time for all involved.

Artist rendering of the masked killer of the campgrounds

More as it updates.

funny, humor, important, media, news, satire, talker99, truth, Uncategorized

Talker99 Special Report: Pegasus

Aside | Posted on July 4 by Talker99

As everyone knows, the Unicorn is a magical and majestic horse that will appear whenever they are most needed.

For years Unicorns have been appearing here and there, helping men and women in dire straights and (usually) leading them on the path that they are destined for.

As the old saying goes, “the only thing a Unicorn can’t help is your Herpes.”

But what about the Pegasus?

They are certainly a sight to behold and a definite animal of breathtaking beauty …..

But are they really all that magical?

The answer, sadly, is no they are not.

We talked to Dick Ying, who teaches a class at Ohio State which covers both the Unicorn and Pegasus and the lore that goes with them…. this is what he told us..

“I’m here to tell you now, the Pegasus is not, and never will be, magical.

Sure, a lot of people cried magic when a Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby(Fly By Night-1996), but it just flew over the other horses, nothing else.

It’s not like it cast a spell, which would have been magic. Pegasus can’t even talk like a Unicorn. They are very limited in mental reasoning which is why they were put on the endangered list this past year.

Think about all the windows pegasus have flown into in just a five year time frame. Everyone knows at least one person who has been killed or injured by a pegasus stupidly crashing through a window.

Remember Dubai? All those people killed after that palomino pegasus flew through the top floor hotel restaurant and ignited a gas line…. Horrible. ”

“Fly By Night” 1996 Kentucky Derby Champ

Parents of Kevin McCallister deemed unfit, children placed in foster care

Kate and Peter McCallister appeared before the judge today in hope of a positive resolution to all that their family has been through in recent months.

Sadly though, the judge sided with the states prosecutor and deemed the McCallisters unfit as parents, placing the children in foster care .

You may remember the story of young Kevin McCallister, who, at the age of eight was left home alone on Christmas while his family vacationed in France.

On Christmas eve, a day before his mother flew back, Kevin’s home was burglarized by Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, who were already wanted for a series of burglaries throughout the city.

Over the course of the night the two tried repeatedly to get inside the McCallister home, only to be outwitted by the precocious 8 year old who had built a series of traps after learning of the thieves plans the day before.

Almost over night young Kevin became a media sensation and the public believed the parents story of “accidentally” leaving their youngest behind.

Then it happened again.

This time though he wasn’t left at home, he was left in New York City. To make matters worse the same two crooks that he helped put behind bars had just been released on parole and wanted their revenge.

Luckily, he outsmarted the crooks yet again and survived his time on the cold New York streets.

This time the public didn’t accept the parents excuse of their son being left behind accidentally and wanted justice for young Kevin.

An investigation was underway shortly after and the McCallisters, already deemed unfit by most of the public, faced an uphill battle to prove their innocence.

That is where we find the story today and, as expected, the court agrees with the public.

When asked what she thought of the ruling Kate McCallister only had this to say, “It was an Accident, I swear. I never would have just left my son. I love my son and have always been the best mother I could be.”

More as it updates.

The Little p Ranch, a bit of Hollywood History

Have you ever wondered where movie midgets come from?

Did you watch the Wizard of Oz and ask yourself how they got so many Dwarves in the same place, especially considering how territorial a Dwarf can be.

If you answered yes to these questions and still find yourself asking many more, then come on down to the Little p Ranch, located outside of Red Lake, Texas.

Little p has been the growth spot for Hollywoods Little Person, Dwarf, Midget or Elf that has been put on film within the last seventy-five years.

Snuggled deep in a West Texas valley, the Little p is a simple, family owned ranch that specializes in Midget cultivation and farming.

We talked to Mitch Greenberg, the owner of Little p, and he told us a bit of the ranches amazing history, “My family started this place back in 1934, back when midget farming was a relatively new idea. My great, great grandfather somehow got the contract for the Wizard of Oz shoot and the ranch was the chief trainer and supplier of dozens of type of little people throughout the filming. Judy Garland said in an interview that she kept some of the dwarves for herself when filming was wrapped and that had it not been for a well trained Shepard’s Dwarf that she worked with then she probably would have had a nervous breakdown.

Shortly thereafter we got contracts with every major studio in Hollywood and the rest is history.

Here at the ranch we grow over sixty types of little person, from the Siberian Dwadeldwarf to the rare and extremely beautiful Morocco Midget, which only grows for one week a year in June. There are other midget farms out there but none have the kind of little people we have.

Plus, the other farms sell their midgets for lab testing, we are a strictly no kill farm. A lot of people don’t understand how smart little people truly are, I couldn’t bare to see them sold if I knew they were being dissected in a high school biology class, like the Japanese do.”

If you’d like to see a little bit of Hollywood history, come down to the Little p Ranch. They’ve got group tour rates and interactive games for the kiddies. Also, if you’re seeking to adopt a little Person they do that too. For only 25 dollars you can take home a rescued Midget or Dwarf. All the proceeds go back into the shelter and helps fight the cruel sport of Midget throwing, which is practiced in most countries

Auto-bot leader refuses to transform to society

Following the recent arrest of Star Scream,(lewd and disorderly conduct outside a Boston airport hanger), the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime, reached out and talked to us about the troubles his kind have faced since arriving here on Earth and why representation matters.

When visiting the almost 30 foot tall Optimus, one can’t help but be overcome with a sense of awe.

Knowing this, Optimus is quick to put you at ease by inviting you in his home to see his massive collection of Glee memorabilia (something he’s been collecting since the show ended).

After being discharged from the military two years ago, Prime moved out to California and became a staunch advocate for Transformer rights.

Tragedy struck when his friend Skids(a Honda Civic turbo minivan) was sent to the auto shop in critical condition(following a late night altercation with two L.A. youths).

The lawyers for the teens tried to get the charges reduced to vandalism of a sentient automobile.(or Go-bot as some in the media like to call them) Instead though, a new law entirely was placed on the books that covered the type of hate crime perpetrated.

Quickly dubbed “form bashing” , the youths were sentenced to 2 years in prison after Skids Allspark battery drained during the time of the trial.

When asked about the incident Optimus told us that he, “hates that (his) friend died so viciously. Skids was nice to everyone he met. He loved to help and was an active road side assistance volunteer on the weekends. His death ultimately was not in vain. Our loss of Skids in the battle for Transformers rights is what helped finally win the war for all our kind.”

Soon after, Optimus opened Skids House, a non profit orginization designed to keep troubled Autobot youths off the street. “It’s a place Skids always dreamed of opening, it’s his heart and soul inside every room.” Prime said tearfully.

With the Skids trial behind him and an uncertain future ahead, Optimus didn’t know where to turn next. Luckily his new quest was found staring right back at him one day.

“It was me. I realized how unhappy I was. I was having to constantly hide from everyone, never showing my true form. Plus I hated living inside a parking garage. It was like I and all the others, Auto and Decepticon alike, were simply trapped inside a closet. We were having to shun our true selves for the masses and it made no sense for me to have to live like that.

I mean, shit, the public knew we were here. You can You Tube us at any time and thousands of battle videos pop up, it made no sense to keep hiding. I vowed from then on to not live like that, for better or worse I was coming out of the garage and refusing to transform.”

Prime then moved to San Fransisco and started his successful Con-Form campaign, which calls out to all Transformers to stop the lies and simply be themselves.

“I just want all of us to stop being whatever shell society wants us to hide behind and stop the illusion that they are something they are not. The public will accept you, like they have me, and you will be so much happier because of it.”

The urgency of his campaign stems from the recent rash of Autobot suicides that have swept the nation. So far in the last year 23 Autobot have been found dead with wheel written notes stating how hard it is for them to keep driving. It’s a trend that Optimus hopes to stop.

If you wish to learn more how you might be able to help please contact your local Skids House.

Woman writes new blog about looking for love

WordPressers are all abuzz over the news that a Blog written by Miranda High of Rockport, SD, will be the 50,000th WordPress site involving a woman looking for love in a major metropolitan area.

The Blog, titled “NoSexintheCityYet.wordpress.com” (itself the winner of the 4,683rd blog to use the Sex in the City type title in its header), will be, according to its author, “a humor filled journey of self discovery and love by a woman so O.C.D-ish and neurotic that men would be crazy not to want her(at least that’s what my mother says) . ”

“There will be old poems from high school, lots of complaining about how other women are against her and plenty of stories about how the guy I’m crushing on at work never notices me. Check it out.”

The Blog is scheduled to start posting tonight at around 7:15- 7:30ish

Last living Thundercat dies in Boston Zoo

The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity, died yesterday at the age of 43. Sadly, he was the last of his species as well.

The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties. It was soon realized that any hope to save the species was impossible after the total number recorded came to just 18 known adults living in the wild.

Conservationists rushed to support but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was then placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh.

When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter. After much hype and publicity, it finally opened in the spring of 96.

Upon arriving, Lion-O lazily looked out of his carrier and onto his new home, he then turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep.

Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction.

Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal.

Thundercats. Ho!

Seats going fast for Talker99 event

Seats are limited but you can still get one IF YOU HURRY!

“Seats? Where am I needing to sit?”

TALKER99 2025!!!!

Its a three day event that will teach YOU how to write and blog until your dreams come true….

1st day: BE A BLOGSTAR…..

Non stop workshops and seminars dedicated to all things BLOG.

You will learn from the master himself, TALKER99, plus many other bloggers that have dedicated their entire existence onto the artform that is BLOGGING.

In attendance will be Angela Rothschild(Blogright.wordpress.com)

Micheal Morris(blognow.wordpress.com)

Sir Anthony Swiss(blogroyal.wordpress.com

And so many more.

2nd fanfuckingtastic day…..

TALKER99 slows the steam train down a bit so as to talk about followers….

In a one on one setting that everyone can attend, the mystro tells YOU, yes, YOU, how you can be just like him in a few short months and have a awesome following of 150 people!

Imagine, YOU , yes You, can have people read your shit on an almost every other maybe day! What’s next? Fame? Fortune? Who the fuck knows!!!

3rd day…..

Brunch.

Reserve that shit now!

Penguins study

Scientists studying the mating habits of Penguins in Antarctica announced today that, contrary to popular belief, Penguins are not in any way gay.

But they may be a little bit curious.

Ronald Herrington, who was in charge of the study (funded by the popular Gay and Lesbian lifestyle magazine, Out), talked to us by phone and gave us more details,

“We were out there for about three months, during the height of Penguin mating season, and we viewed, give or take, about thirty thousand penguins coupling.

After awhile the female will lay an egg, take one look at it and decide that she really has no idea what she got herself into.

Either she thinks that she’s too young to be a mother or she still has some wild oats to sow, whatever it is, she gets the hell out of there toots sweet and leaves sole custody to the male.

Now, imagine, you’re a male penguin and you’ve just been handed an egg with your son or daughter growing inside it. You’re confused, scared and your heart has been shattered.

I ask you, what would you do in this situation?

Well, in the case of the Arctic Penguin, they turn to their best friend, who, ironically, has had the exact same thing happen to them.

To make matters worse, the ex girlfriend left them during the coldest, harshest part of the winter.

So there they are, cold, depressed and panicked because, honestly, what do they know about raising a child?

So they go to the only place a male penguin can hang out and relax…. down at the ice reef.

Luckily, there are about 15000 other guys freaking out there also so it becomes like a giant self help meeting.

Now remember, it’s freakin freezing out there, so all these guys clump together for warmth. There you all are, a pathetic bunch huddled together to protect each other from the environment and self harm.

For three months this is all these guys do, bitch, cry and bond. During this time it’s only natural for these guys to…… experiment a little…..

Shit, I was here with four other guys for three months watching these birds. I was kinda in the same boat as they were.

I’m not saying we got all gay or anything but, Tommy, our helicopter pilot, sure did try enough times.

Eventually, all the female penguins come crying back, fatter and with a lot more fur. Some of the guys listen to their sob stories and take them back. Others not so much.

The ones that don’t take them back found, we think, that they were happiest with whichever guy they hooked up with.

They didn’t know they were gay, but now they sure as hell are more comfy because of it. It happened to Tommy, it sure does happen to penguins.

Many in the scientific community are disputing Mr. Herrington’s findings, saying that he’s an idiot

Wheres Waldo?

Posted on July 2 by Talker99

For over twenty years, the man known only as Waldo the Traveler, has stolen some of the worlds greatest treasures out of the most secure buildings in every corner of the world.

Police are at a loss as to who this mysterious man could even be.

There are some leads, such as, he doesn’t work alone.

There is also the fact that his heists usually take place on the locations busiest day of the year for tourists, making it incredibly difficult for investigators to gather evidence.

We spoke with Terry Sands, one of the detectives handling the case of the Fantastic Journey, (where Waldo stole four separate works valued at 12 million)

“Since taking on the Fantastic Journey investigation, I have been everywhere you could possibly imagine. It has taken me to seven continents, 19 countries and dozens of cities and towns, all in the hope of finding the elusive Waldo.

We do know that he’s not alone in his crimes. Witnesses always report seeing a man dressed as an old white wizard. Also usually reported are dozens and dozens of people wearing the same white and red striped shirt just as Waldo wears.

It’s like Waldo is simply playing with us.

It’s one of the most frustratingly fun searches I’ve ever been apart of. We’ll catch him though, it’s only a matter of time.”

More as it develops.

Native American Tribe finds out they are Indians

Posted on July 2 by Talker99

The Chickasaw Tribe, whose long history in the American Southwest have been the basis for much of the imagery and lore about Native Americans.

They are also the creators of the Indian Burn,(so named for the highly annoying type of attack they would place upon unwanted white settlers that ventured into their territory, like the Iriqouis tribe, who used scalping as a way to intimidate, the Chicksaws would sneak up, grab your arm and rub both hands in the opposite direction, causing hairs to be pulled and skin to turn red, very annoying) now though, their state funding is in danger of being pulled and their people are unsure of who they actually even are.

It all began last month after Ancestry.com chose the tribe for their “Your History, Guaranteed” promotional campaign, which made the claim that the genealogy website could accurately trace almost 300 years when it came to anyone’s history.

To showcase this claim they chose a Native American tribe. Since most tribes didn’t keep records it would certainly be an impressive feat if they succeeded.

Two weeks passed and finally the announcement was made.

Not only was the challenge a success but Ancestry.com was able to trace back almost 570 years of Chickasaw lineage, even pinpointing the exact area where the tribe began.

The Chickasaws had always believed their origin area to have been somewhere in Southern Oklahoma…..They were only off by a few thousand miles.

Manipur, situated on the Eastern Frontier of India is a relatively small piece of land. It borders Burma to the east and Assam to its west. Five Hundred years ago it probably had only 20 or 30 villages in the whole of it, but one of these villages named Chickasaw, would ” eventually have it’s villagers leave their land in hope of crossing the great oceans beyond and seeking fortune in a new world”.

At least that’s what Ancestry.com found in an old temple in the Manipur History and Information center.

Since the news broke, the former Native Americans have gone into hiding.

Read more in the newest edition of USA Todays article, “Maybe the Cowboys really did fight the Indians – How some Native Americans are not so Native anymore.”

Editors note: I was a little bit pressed for time on this one, it ends abruptly because of it. I will have you know that since this all came out, the Chickasaws have embraced their new culture and are proud to be called Indians.

1 out of 50 people are living with Gymnastics: a Talker99 Special Report

Kerri Potts, age thirteen, contemplates her next move. Usually on a day like today, Kerri would avoid the cafeteria at her school in Rockport, New Hampshire and just walk straight to class, the problem she finds herself in though……

is that she really wants a bananna.

She sits silently for a moment, looks towards me and then the door….. Suddenly she springs forward, does a front handspring through the cafeteria doors, twists to the right, shakes her hips, backwards somersault, cartwheel, cartwheel again, ariel walkover(quite impressive), split leap, back handstand, flip and bow. She then grabs a bananna, turns, cartwheel, roundoff, split leap, splits and bow to no one then runs out the door. It was amazing and frightening all at once.

Everyone in the cafeteria then went back to talking as if nothing happened. My look of shock caught the attention of two girls who asked me why I looked the way I did. After stating that I had never seen someone with Gymnastics in everyday life they giggled and said,”just wait, her lunchtime show was always better”.

Young Kerri is not alone in her inspiring grief. She is just one of many who are currently diagnosed with Gymnastics, a neurological muscle disease that affects 1 out of 50 Americans.

With just a small donation of mere pennies a day, you can be young Kerris savior. Every donation goes right towards the study and, hopefully, cure that can end this debilitating muscle toning disease.

Wont it feel good to know that you were a part of the cure.

Kerri is counting on you….

North Koreans to unveil Death Ray

North Korea is planning to unveil it’s “hush hush, super top secret Proton Death Ray by mid-March, maybe mid-June” of next year, Kim Jong-un (The Jongster as he’s known in most circles) said by phone Tuesday night.

“We are planning to give those Iranians and their Super Sonic Mind Control Force Field a definite run for their money. And look out Russia, with your Weather Doppler Windy Shonisticia, you ain’t got nothing on us. Soon we will rule the world because we now have Death Ray.”

I then asked who was speaking and he said Kimmy Jong from North Korea. I told him I thought he might have dialed the wrong number. He then asked if he had called 512-456-9372? I replied “no, this was 9732.”

There was a brief silence, some heavy breathing, a muffled “shit” and then he hung up the phone.

Fraggle infestation reaches new heights

With the recent claim of Fraggle infestations being found in Baltimore, Tampa and Houston, health officials are warning people to be aware of their surroundings so they don’t become a bigger problem than they already are.

recent image from a home infested with Fraggles. The homeowner walked in and snapped this late at night after she heard a noise coming from the kitchen.

“Fraggles may look cute but they can get out of hand real fast. Before you know it you’ve got a whole gaggle of Fraggles living with you and that’s when the problems arise.” says Irrkin pest control officer Nick Hammond who talked with us by phone.

“See, Fraggles aren’t necessarily the problem. Sometimes they can be territorial but I’ve never heard of one harming anyone.

No, the problem lies in the fact that where there are Fraggles there are Doozers as well. That’s when you got issues. A Fraggle is easily exterminated but a Doozer….thats’ a whole ‘nother issue.”

Doozers doing what they do, building a potential deathtrap.

As was the case of Amelia Ranhurst of Baltimore. She was found dead last week after becoming trapped under Doozer construction that had been built while she slept. The sugary, crystallized structure they built around her filled the whole bedroom. It took rescue workers three hours to work through it and get to the body.

“Just make sure you check your clothing before you go home.” Nick added, “Fraggles are known to cling to jackets and pant legs. Just double check and you should be fine. If you travel for the holidays, remember to check all suit cases and baggage before returning, especially if you travel abroad. The bottom line is to just be aware and you should be fine.”

Reviewable

For a limited time only you can become the person you were born to be….

Hey there, let me ask you a question…. How often do you find yourself on the world wide web? Daily? Hourly?

Now, with a show of hands how many of you find yourself reading sites just like this one while online?

Wow, that’s a lot of hands….

Last question…. During all that time and after viewing all those sites, how many would rate those sites worthy of a return visit?

By the expressions on your faces I would say not very many(laughter).

What if I told you that you could have saved hours, days or even weeks of your time? If only there was a system in place to warn you about those awful sites….

What would that be worth to you?

That’s right, a lot…..

(leans in close, gets real quiet) What if I told you that YOU can be that person….YOU can be that hero that I know is lurking inside you!

If you like judging people…. If you live to criticize….. If YOU have shit to say….

Then please make Talker99 your place to say it…..

Your feedback on the current state of Talker99 is greatly appreciated.

What works? What doesn’t? What would you like to see in the future?

Knowledge is half the battle…..

My first review i ever gave was on Talker99. Shortly after writing it I was cast as the lead in High School Musical for the Disney channel. That one review changed my life. Thanks Talker99.

Zac Efron, Vanity Fair, 2015

Posh spice holding a picture of Talker99

Man accidently kills last remaining Dragon

While out hunting Moose in Frosting, Maine, George Reeves accidentally shot and killed the worlds last remaining Dragon.

According to sources, Mr. Reeves was heading up the North Ridge of Layers Park when he spotted a Moose grazing in the field.

As he pulled his rifle and started to line up the shot he was suddenly startled by a tremendous flapping of wings coming from overhead. Confused as to what it was and afraid for his safety he dropped to the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the Dragon directly in the lungs and sending it plummeting to the ground.

The Dragon, lovingly called Scales by the park rangers, had lived up in the hills of Layer Park for almost 600 years. He came to the park after his kind were hunted to the brink of extinction by Dragon Slayers during the Great Dragon Scare of 1367, a scam perpetrated by Wizards and Warlocks in order to gain power of the Red Mountains.

Mistrustful at first of all outsiders for fear of being slain, Scales eventually found peace and friendship in the community that surrounded the mountain.

At least that’s how it was, until yesterday when he was killed by a 12 gauge Wal-Mart bought shotgun.

This death leaves just one of the mythical creatures from the old times alive, The Pegasus, who lives in an animal rescue shelter somewhere in New Jersey.

Tune in to this documentary about the weird, wonderful world of the little person

A new National Geographic documentary premiering tonight on the NatGeo Channel hopes to quell long held public misunderstandings about the strange and wonderful world of the Midget.

Sometimes called Dwarves, Little People or Middle Eastern Scavenger Elves, Midgets have a long held public fascination with an almost mythical lore that has spanned for centuries.

Interest in the little creatures have spiked in the recent years after the finding of the New York Tunnel Dwarf, an often talked about but rarely seen nocturnal creature.

National geographic spent almost four years filming the three part documentary.

The first part is a showcase on the thirty different types of midget, which, amazingly enough, live in every part of the world, even the water, such as the Water Crested Doodle Dwarf.

The show lets viewers see firsthand some of the dangers that some of the more vicious types can bring.

A prime example of this would be the Drunken Pool Midget, who is found in parts of Nebraska, and attacked some of the camera crew during the shoot. For the course of a day the Pool Midget seemed hellbent on destroying the entire production, even sending one woman to the infirmary.

Along with the aggressiveness there is gentleness as well.

The show will have a very touching and sometimes hilarious conception to birth segment of the Alaskan Wooded Little Person. The trials and tribulations those adorable Little People go through during mating season are well worth your viewership alone.

Part two showcases the efforts and frustrations to stop the illegal poaching of the Lithuanian Little Foot, which has seen its once flourishing population dwindle to only 300 in just three years time. The Little Foot is prized in Chinese medicine for its genitalia which is ground up to a powder and then eaten .

The long held belief in Chinese culture is that consuming the powder helps fight back age and erectile dysfunction but there is no proof that this is true. Poaching of the little foot is a billion dollar industry and the ones fighting for the Little Foot are far outgunned sadly.

Highly recommended and informative.

It starts tonight at 8, 7 central.

Talker99 Breaking News: Outbreak of Saturday Night Fever in midwest, death toll rising

At least 17 people in Chicago, IL have been stricken with the deadly Saturday Night Fever virus and more are expected before the night is through.

The C. D. C. Is asking that if you have symptoms related to the virus that you seek medical attention as a precaution.

James Slovack of the C. D. C had this to say, “We are trying to stop this before it gets worse, so if you are even showimg moderate symptoms, please seek medical help. This is a fast moving virus that kills, on average, 60 percent of those that contract it, with the other 40 percent unable to gain proper use of their motor skills. We need to stop this before it gets worse. ”

The virus, first discovered in the late 1970s after a midnight screening of the film its named after, seemed to destroy all it came in contact with.

The Ohio town where the first outbreak occured lost 38 percent of its population within a weeks time. The ones who survived were never the same, leaving many placed in 24 hour total care facilities.

The virus, spreads visually and quickly takes over the part of the brain that controls muscle movement. Within 2 hours of catching it the legs begin to move in a rhythmic sway. Within four hours, the hips and arms swing, lifting in unison to the legs. After 3 days of constant perpetual motion the body just collapses in exhaustion and the patient dies.

The virus is closely related to the Jungle Fever virus that broke out in the late 80s. Scientists had thought they had eradicated jungle fever until two teenagers caught the film that it had stemmed from late one night on TBS.

Luckily only four people came up sick but the C. D. C warns it could happen again.

More as it develops.

Recent study shows kids today have it way better than kids fifty years ago

A recent study from M.I.T. shows that children today have fewer restrictions, far less chores and way cooler toys than children 50 years ago.

These factors and many more like them have made scientists conclude that they have it way better than kids their age fifty years ago.

Mike Stizer, one of the scientists that was involved in the study had this to say, “Kids today have it so much easier than when I was a kid. I was born an raised in the sixties, I had chores, a bedtime, schoolwork piled a mile high and manners for the adults around me. Kids today have none of these. They have Playstations, freedom to run the streets due to busy, workaholic or drug addicted parents, school teachers that fear them or the system they work for due to political correctness and they have absolutely no manners whatsoever. This one kid we talked to thought manners was a guy that played for the Braves, so besides the fact that they have it better, they are also idiots.”

A kid texts while waiting for something. Kids fifty years ago didn’t have texts

Ted, another scientist involved with the study and who only goes by the name of Ted, had this to say, “Kids today have the coolest shit. Kids fifty years ago had shit.”
Read the full report in the newest issue of Forbes magazine

Gary Busey finds cure for Colon Cancer

In a moment of inspiration, actor Gary Busey, star of such films as “The Buddy Holly Story”,”Lethal Weapon” and “Under Siege”, discovered a cure for colon cancer while working out of his basement yesterday in his Malibu, California home.

The medical community is in stunned silence.

“I don’t know,” Gary Busey told us by telephone, “I was sitting there, looking at my feet, I got a bad ingrown toenail, watching “The Hunger” with Susan Surandon, she is an amazing actress isn’t she? “White Palace” is an amazing film ain’t it? James Spader is in it too.

You ever seen that show he was on? That lawyer show? It was good. William Shatner was in it.(very long pause, seems to be thinking) Captain Kirk! That’s amazing. Do you think there are aliens here now? I do. They’re everywhere. So I’m sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet, when it hits me! Bam!(get’s right into phone, breathing heavy, yells) I got it! And I rush down to the basement, where my cancer rats are, and mix my potion of science up and…. Bam! Cure for cancer.”

The full medical report on his findings will be released tomorrow.

North Carolina resident says it`s just another Manic Monday

Charlie Wallace, a Liberty Tax accountant in Fort Bliss, North Carolina, told reporters today that, “it’s just another manic Monday.”

He then added that he, “wished it was Sunday because that’s (his) fun day, (his) doesn’t have to run day.”

Following the announcement, Mr Wallace quietly went back to work at his desk.

More as it develops.

Is Timberlake bringing Sexy back?

According to sources close to Justin Timberlake, the actor/singer is seriously considering bringing Sexy back sometime this year.

You may remember when Justin brought Sexy back in the summer of 2006. While it was a critical and commercial success, it had problems in the fact that those other boys didn’t know how to act.

Despite this setback, sources close to Justin are telling us that he is seriously going to go ahead and be gone with it while making up for things that he once lacked.

We’ll keep you posted.

Dying man vows to come back from his grave for vengeance. Family still waiting

For Jacob Little, being killed in a bar fight was not what he had planned to do last Saturday night.

Plans change though.

According to the police report, Jacob had gone to the Coach Bar in East Philadelphia to celebrate his second cousins third marriage to his sisters God-mother.

Friends and family say that in reality, the marriage was just an excuse for Jacob to go out

“The second we walked into tha Coach, Jacob sees his ex Michelle.” Frank Lippson, Jacobs best friend, told us by phone last Sunday, “Ands we all knows that Jacob didn’t need to be anywhere nears Michelle.

They had broken up not even thirty six hours before when Michelle told him she had tha crotch warts (genital) and it was probably best if she let him know.

But tha fuckin thing is, see, they had already been going at it for three months. One time even dirty dancin on my moms dining room table. I tell ya what, I never have looked at that table the same, even more so since learnin of her vag pox.

I mean, my god damned grammy eats at that table. So yeah, Michelles a bitch.

Well, Jacob says it’s all cool and that he ain’t gonna start no shit, he just wants to celebrate the beauty of the marriage. Ten minutes later, fuckin Michelle has edged her way next to our table with her date, some Filipino dude……

Where she found a Filipino living in our neighborhood I swear, I’ll never know, but she did and they were both makin all loud an warty not two feet from us.

Finally, Jackie boy had had enough and said that he wanted to get the fuck out of there before he did something that he’d regret. Well the Filipino from East Philly overhears Jacob and takes it as a threat.

He was drunk already on account that he was a little guy who couldn’t handle his liqueur. Well, he gets all up in Jacobs face, yelling about how Jacob better watch his mouth or he might find himself all cut up.

None of us took the threat seriously because a knife threat in Philly is a dime a dozen. One time my mother told me I better straightin up in church or she’d cut me, I think I was like eight years old or somethin.

Anyways, Jacob laughs it off and pushes the Filipino dude out of the way using just a finger. That seriously pissed off the little guy and he goes all ninja on us.

He starts wailing around saying he knows shit and how to hurt us real bad. We all laughed and start walking when the little fucker pulls out a fucking knife the size of his fuckin leg and just tears into Jacob.

There was blood everywhere and we were all just stunned like we were seeing a circus trick. I think I snapped first and pulled the guy off but by then it was to late, Jackie boy was dying……

Lemme tell ya man, he was pissed about it.

Somehow, while we were all lookin after my bro, the little ninja bolted away from us and flew out the door. That little fucks still gone, no idea where he’s hiding…..

Well when Jacob found that out, it just pissed him off even more. As he laid there dying with his last breath he screamed out, “as God is my witness, I am going to come back from the dead and kill that little fucker! Even if it takes me all night, I will figure out how to do it! I’ll rise up, get a clean shirt and pants and then spend the rest of the day lookin for that bastard”.

I tell you what, I don’t think there was a person in that bar that didn’t believe he might just do it, he was that pissed.”

As of this posting, Jacobs funeral is set for Wednesday at the Grey Lagoon Cemetery. Services begin at 10 a.m

Shocking allegations detailing years of abuse involving the Pound Puppies

Posted on June 29 by Talker99

The owners of Violet Vanderfeller(a Greyhound/Shar Pei mix) have come forth today with allegations of abuse and mistreatment involving the City Pound workers and the animals they were responsible for.

“Our poor Violet was beaten so badly that when we finally got her back she could barely walk.” said Susan Hoffendorfer, Violets owner and friend, who talked to us by phone.”It was a horrible, horrible experience for our dog and I hope that they all go to jail for a very long time.”

Image taken from unknown source but it has been verified that it came from the pound in question

To add insult to injury, a police report has surfaced from two years ago that shows this isn’t the first time the pound has come under fire.

According to the report, police were called by a woman claiming she had found three dogs that were living at the pound and they were roaming the streets of her neighborhood.

All were badly malnourished and beaten. The report goes on to say that the pound puppies were named Cooler(Beagle/Bloodhound mix), Nose Marie(Boxer/Bloodhound) and Howler(Pug/Jack Russel) and seemed to have been looking for something in the neighborhood, though it’s not clear what it was.

The current owners of the pound could not be reached for comment.

More as it develops.

Civil War reenactment leaves 36 dead and the South in charge

Posted on June 29 by Talker99

Swinton, Virginia

The Battle of Bucksdrop Ridge has long been remembered as a turning point in the Civil war.

The battle took place on April 2nd, 1862 and is known as the “place where the South started its fall” due to the significant amount of casualties the Confederates took(estimated 12000 dead and wounded).

It was this battle that bred the start of the Northern command Ulysses S. Grants well known legend.

Every year as a show of respect to those lost in this great war the town of Swinton holds its annual reenactment. It is a fun time for both the casual observer and the hardened civil war buff….and the outcome is always the same….

Until today.

We regret to inform that todays reenactment, though hard fought by all involved, was not won by the North.

Reports are still coming in but we do know that at least 36 are dead and the Southern Confederacy has taken control of the hill.

They were last seen marching north towards the Capitol and had begun to split into two camps.

Civil war reenactors from at least three states have started securing their boarders, though at presstime we are unsure which Grant reenactor will be in charge.

We will update as it develops.

Costly Project Gadget shut down due to loss of funding

Posted on June 29 by Talker99

The long running and costly Gadget Project has finally been shut down after an in depth review of the cities finances.

The newly elected mayor did as promised on his campaign and took a metaphoric ax to his first day, cutting the massive overspending that plagued our city

First to the block was Inspector Gadget.

The forty million dollar project was created ten years ago as this cities answer to Detroit’s successful Robocop campaign.

After many false starts and millions in spending, the Gadget Project finally unveiled its creation, Inspector Gadget.

The Inspector, like Robocop before him, was a half man, half robot multi tool that never seemed to function as promised. Most days he would just be seen hovering over the city with his helicopter blade gadget in constant motion.

Over the course of his time in the police force he had just one arrest, but even that was dismissed due to lack of evidence.

The most vocal about wanting the Gadget Project shut down was Dr. Claw of the M. A. D. Organization, whom the Inspector had tormented since its start.

You may remember when Dr. Claw successfully sued the city for millions in damages after the Inspector blew up one of his labs.

Dr. Claw gave a statement following todays announcement of the shut down, here is a brief snippet of what was said.

“For years the Gadget Project has been an embarrassment to this great city. Untold amounts in damages, lawsuits and far to much pain and suffering caused by this mechanical monstrosity. Let us now move past this blight and grow stronger for our future and our community. Thank you”

Promotional art for the unveiling of the Gadget Project

More as it develops.

Where is Talker99 contest winner announcment!

A special thank you to all the readers who entered our “Where in the World is Talker99” Contest, which sent hundreds of you across thousands of miles in search of our elusive editor and chief, Talker99.

Most followed the clues we gave to his whereabouts and came extremely close to finding him but since this is a contest there can be only one true winner, that winner is……..

Samantha Ryan of Dillon, Mass

She successfully found Talker99 standing in front of the GE Building, which is home to NBC studios, at 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York, New York.

Congratulations Samantha!

On a somber note, to the families of the ones we lost in Cairo, we truly are sorry for your loss but we never told you to go to Cairo.

Recent survey shows public disagreement

A recent survey conducted by CNN found that twelve out of thirty people completely agreed while eight out of thirty were in complete disagreement.

These numbers are slightly up from last year which saw only ten in agreement.

Down from the previous year were the six out of thirty who were unsure compared to the staggering fourteen out of thirty from 2018.

Experts who were involved in the survey told us that the amount of unsure people from the prior year was due to the lack of public awareness to the survey.

According to the findings, most in the general public had at least some knowledge or education leading up to the survey and this was reflected in the results.

Unexplained though were the reasons behind the three out of thirty who did not care and the one out of thirty who just wrote the word “boobs” on every answer line in the survey.

More as it updates.

Dog and Cats Incredible Journey comes to a sad end

Glade, Tennessee

After becoming lost three years ago while their owners were vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home.

One can only imagine what an incredible journey these animals have had.

Judging from the bandanna that was wrapped around Jasper, it seems at one point they were met by members of the Hells Angels who had obviously taken them and made them honorary members of the notorious biker gang.

Buddy has some scars over his left eye and it looks like he may have wrestled away a mountain lion at some point, no doubt saving Jasper in the process.

Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home.

We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched for pickup,”For three years these animals have beat the odds against them and found their way home, now, that journey has come to an end. They will be split up and placed in holding stations until either euthanasia or adoption occurs but, considering the age of these animals, it really doesn’t look good.”

For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

Exclusive Interview: Mothman

Talker99 was granted an interview with the Mothman of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, to coincide with the release of it’s new book “Moth to a flame: The story of the Mothman”.

In it he talks candidly about the events leading up to the collapse of the Silver Bridge and how its affected him since.

Talker99– Mothman, first off, thank you for coming. It was starting to seem like this interview was never going to take place.

Mothman– Life has been pretty hectic as of late. It seems like every other day I’m being flown to some city for a book signing or t.v. appearance…. Pleasure to be here though.

T99– Let’s talk about the Silver Bridge collapse first and the events surrounding it.

MM– Man, bringing out the big guns….(lights a cigarette) Alright, shoot.

T99– The Silver Bridge collapse, which killed 46 people on January 11th, 1967, has been open for debate as to what your involvement might have actually been.

Some say you were trying to warn people, others say you were the real reason it happened, and then quite a few people choose to believe that you simply do not exist. What are your thoughts?

MM– You’re damn right I was trying to warn them! It’s not because I’m a psychic or a gypsy prophet like most believe, at the end of the day I’m just a Mothman, plain and simple.

I had been trying for a while to warn the city about that bridge, but they refused to listen. All anyone ever saw was a six foot tall moth standing in front of them with glowing red eyes. They all got the message, it’s just that they never heard it.

T99– And what was your message?

The Mothman standing on a bridge, looking spooky.

MM– That they better get up there and fix that shit ass bridge, that’s what the message was! (takes a long drag off cigarette and then throws it down angrily) The Silver Bridge was a death trap, it didn’t take much to see that.

At the time I lived within eyesight of it. I saw the accidents firsthand that would happen on that bridge! I knew that it was only a matter of time before……(as I listen, his eyes begin to glow a faint red, I can begin to see how someone in the dark might be frightened by him)……well, before something bad happened.(takes a long drag on cigarette, as he does this, one of his wings raises into the air)

When that bridge fell I just disappeared. Went down to visit some family in Georgia. I thought briefly of settling down there after I met a girl though. She worked at the local hospital and she smelled like fresh cut blueberries….she was beautiful….., but when I asked for her hand she said no. Her family just didn’t approve of her being with a Moth.

That’s all anyone saw, a six foot moth. They never could look past my wings and see the six foot man standing there as well……

I don’t harbor any ill will toward them though. It was a different time and there was still a lot of social injustice going around for anyone that was a minority. There still is I guess……I honestly thought Obama would have changed that sort of mind frame in people……and maybe he did for the blacks, but for the Mothmen, well, lets just say that not only am I not allowed to sit in the front of the bus, I’m not even allowed on the bus. It’s a shame really….

continued on page 67

Special Words from the I.R.S.

This was scheduled for a month ago but never posted. Conspiracy? Yes, we think so……

The following is a Public Service announcement from your friends at Talker99. This announcement to the general public is in no way affiliated with Talker99 and is brought to you only as a service as per our requirements to the WCC for licensing as stated in its rules and regulations, article 6b. For a complete list of the World Wide Webs rules and regulations for community standards, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to 3786 W Houston st., New York, New York 17310.

Its tax time again and we would like to remind you that families with four or more children will always have the option of not paying. The I.R.S. recognizes your sacrifice to sanity and peace of mind, though we will also let you know that you will not be entitled to a refund either.

For those of you with more than four children, we would like to remind you that four is the maximum amount you are allowed to claim.

If you have more than four, may we suggest that you rent out the other kids to families in need of a bigger refund.

We are not saying that they keep your kids, just that they file them as dependents on their tax return. By doing this you are not only earning a little extra income for your family but you will get the peace of mind that can only come from helping out those in need, and, it’s a nice little tax right off at the same time next year.

So please, lend a kid at Tax time.

Brought to you by your friends at the Internal Revenue Service.

Commented

Hey! Do you like to comment?

If you’re like most people on the web today, you comment on some of the posts you come across but not all.

FACT: 90% of all blog posts are not comment worthy but people still comment(most common reason-guilt). What this does is elevate the unexciting blog into”look-at-me” status, leading them to write even more sub-par posts and a strange belief that they have fans

FACT: According to Wired Magazine, “over 62% of all blogs written today are done by drug cartels, human traffickers, party planners, black market organ harvesters and terrorists(Muslim and Canadian).” So remember, when you comment on a blog it’s a pretty good chance you’re helping make heroin.

FACT: In 1984, three blogs were convicted to life in prison for the murder of Joshua Nim. The murder, which was accurately depicted on a season three episode of Murder She Wrote, involved the blogs attacking and killing Josh after he had left some vulgar remarks following their most recent post.

It’s dangerous out there so why comment in uncharted territories when you can comment here stress free?

SOLUTION:Make Talker99 your place for any comment needs.

We know how hard it is to give your true opinion and sometimes a comment can go misread, so whatever the occasion, however the topic and whomever you’d like to comment about, Talker99 is your new place to have your comment stay.

“Whenever I need to make a comment I don’t leave it on some other guys website that I don’t know jackshit about, I leave it on Talker99.. I trust Talker99 and I know that they have my family’s safety in mind, you really can’t put a price on that.” – Micheal Douglas, star of the hit film Basic Instinct.

Boy starts silent protest

Three year old Green Ridge, South Carolina resident Tommy Wilcox is in minute four of his silent protest which is currently underway inside his mothers Ford Mustang.

Tensions between Tommy and his mother came to a head only ten minutes earlier when he realized that they were headed someplace other than the playground.

When he inquired where they were driving to, he was told to “quiet down” and they “will be at the Grocery store in a few minutes.”

Thinking quickly, Tommy started his low pitch squeal and kick move that sometimes helped him get what he wanted, though, even he admits that it has actually been some time since it last worked.

Next he tried manipulation and annoyance.

With only a 20 percent success rate, it was a desperate and risky move that was quickly shot down by his mom in the form of a mean threat to spank him when they arrived at the store.

With his slide and swing chances dwindling by the second, Tommy realized that a silent protest would make his point heard, complete with an angry face just to drive it home.

When we arrived on the scene it seemed as Tommy was holding steady in his silence with no sign of breaking anytime soon.

We’ll keep you updated as the action unfolds.

Jesus spotted at J.F.K. International Airport

Jesus Christ was recently spotted coming out of a plane at JFK International Airport, prompting believers to say that the son of the lord has finally returned home, though nothing has been confirmed yet from God

Coming off of a 6 hour American airlines flight from Houston, Jesus looked to be at peace with those around him despite the crown of thorns on his head and the fact that he died for all of our sins.

According to inflight personnel, Jesus was very pleasant, kept to himself and blessed most of the passengers on board before take off, prompting one atheist to “seriously think about converting”.

No word as to why Jesus was in New York.

Google Death Star to be operational by 2027

Google, the web powerhouse that defined internet search, announced today their plans to have a fully operational Death Star built by the year 2027.

The announcement comes days after the company told us about their new public DNS service, which makes it possible for the Web Empire to know exactly what you are doing at any given time(of course they technically already do on account of Google Analytics).

This and many other forms of web services Google provides gets them one step closer to squashing the small band of online users that boldly refuse to conform to all things Google, which the company refers to as the Rebel Alliance.

The Death Star, which Google is naming the “true Google Earth”, will be a moon size space station with the capabilities of bringing a larger base of online users by linking the planet to its own massive server, ultimately providing a faster internet experience for the users and increased traffic for the webmasters.

The space station will also be equipped with a planet destroying super-weapon, which the company is down playing, saying on its blog , “Even though we are calling the weapon the Planet Killer, that’s just its development stage name. In reality we’re putting the armament there for defense against rogue comets and life destroying asteroids, two things that, as far as we know at least, no one wants around. As we at Google get closer to the final building stage we’ll be having an online contest where users will be encouraged to send in what they think would be an appropriate title for our space station, it’s going to be very exciting.”

More as it develops.

Care Bear attacks girls tea party

A young girls tea party ended in violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously mauled the girl and her mother as they sat and talked.

According to the girl’s father, Alicia Richards(age 8) and her mother had just finished some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she did this she asked Grumpy Bear(who was sitting in the clothes hamper) if he would like to join the festivities.

Suddenly and without warning, Grumpy Bear jumped up from the hamper and attacked.

Alicia and her mother were both rushed to St. Jude’s where they are both in critical condition.

So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it’s leaving many to question if they can trust any of the Care Bears alone with their children.

Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo, talked to us by phone and told us why he isn’t surprised by the bears actions, “The bottom line is this, yes they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing. No matter how adorable they are or magical they seem. Plus, this was Grumpy…. Had it been Sunshine, Goodnight or Lucky Bear then maybe I could see peoples surprise but Grumpy? His name says it all if you ask me.”

Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won’t be back anytime soon.

Artist rendering of Grumpy Bear

Hidden deep within this post a Ninja lies in wait

Hidden deep within this post, a Ninja lies in wait.

Can you spot him?

Of course you can’t, he’s a Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT’S THEIR FUCKING JOB!

That’s right, Ninjas are quiet.

Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do fart you can damn well bet it’s gonna be silent and deadly!

Why?

Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will if a Ninjas around, but when they’re around, it pays to be quiet and hide.

Shhh!

You hear that?

That’s right, you didn’t hear shit because a Ninja didn’t become a Ninja by being all loud and shit.

They were trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can’t learn by going to College, unless it’s a Ninja college.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Was that the Ninja?

I don’t know man, but I’m freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, “There’s a Monster at the End of this Book”.

You know the one, where Grover is saying “don’t turn the page, don’t turn the page! There’s a monster at the end of this book!” Yet we the reader just keep saying “fuck you Mr Grover”, and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy.

Except, this ain’t no book, and I’m no Ninja and you most certainly ain’t happy. So watch out.

Recent poll finds that 57% of China can not understand the other 43%

In a recent Peoples Republic Poll it was found that over half of the population of China have no idea what the other half is usually saying.

Over 300 million people were asked if they found it difficult to understand what others might be saying in a typical conversation. About 57 % of those polled said they did and because of this they usually just tried to avoid conversations altogether.

Others said that they would simply just stand there and look annoyed, confused or angry until the conversation was over.

The poll was taken after the General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, stopped a meeting with the deputies of the Party Congress of the Peoples Liberation Army/Navy upon realizing he was really supposed to be in a meeting with the Emergency Rescue Team of APF Guangdong Contingent.

The mix up caused Hu(in typical Hu fashion) to smile broadly, look towards the cameras and say, “I fucked up”. He then shrugged his shoulders and scampered off the stage.

Later, it was decided that he had simply misunderstood his assistant when she told him his daily itinerary.

More as it develops.

World Population Update

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of last year the world’s population has passed the 9 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their wealthier counterparts (8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families).

Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Egypt arrested

In an early morning raid by the FBI, Egypt was arrested and charged with, among other things, conspiracy to commit organized crime, extortion, attempted murder, selling of stolen merchandise, shoplifting and three counts of littering.
Its the biggest bust in FBI history with nearly 42 million already arrested and countless more expected to be by days end. The arrest leaves everyone to question how we didn’t see Egypt for what it really was, nothing more than a pyramid scheme?
A press conference is to be held later this evening, hopefully the answers will be provided so that we may get the closure we need…

The Brain wins popular vote in Croatia election

The Brain, an ego-maniacal evil genius trapped inside a tiny lab rats body, successfully seized control of The Republic of Croatia last night after winning the popular vote in its presidential election.

For years, The Brain, with his running mate, Pinky, has been trying to devise a plan for world domination. Thankfully though, his plan has never been realized.

Last nights election changed everything.

“Now that The Brain has become the president of a country, well, everybody has gone on edge.” N.A.T.O regional manager and MadLib fanatic, Marcus Dunn, told us by phone, “Because now we have not only an Evil Genius mouse to deal with, but we have an Evil Genius mouse in control of a country, an army and a way to possibly see his plans come to light…… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but since I’m not a liar I’ll say it………. I’m scared.”

The Brain celebrates upon hearing the election results.

No word yet on what The Brain has planned for his first day in office but sources close tell us it will involve the same thing he tries to do every day

M.I.T. Scientists discover Breasts