The makers of the number one headache remedy on the market, Tylenol, held a press conference today so they might “clear the air” about how helpful their headache pill actually is for the millions of people who buy it on a regular basis.

“Not helpful at all,” according to the spokesman for the company, adding, “We would even go so far as to say that it may actually be responsible for tension headaches these last few years, especially for residents of Maryland, though there have been no conclusive tests done to actually prove this, but it probably has.”

When pressed to explain how Tylenol works and what its active ingredients were the spokesman had this to say,

“Chalk, lots of chalk. Also, if I’m not mistaken, tree bark, beaver secretions, the number 9, ten percent Ibuprofen and Crayola Crayon Signiture White Edition…..oh, and science.

He did add one positive note to Tylenol and its makers, telling reporters how proud he was to be making prescription strength Tylenol 3, “It really is the shit, isn’t it? Those people who thought it up are gods among men in my opinion. You got pain? Take a T3. You got arthritis? Take a mutha fuckin T3! You got a party to get to? Pop a T-to-tha-3 and feel as good as you can be.”

He then spun around, did the splits and ran out the room.

More as it updates.